This day
Today was the first day I washed my hands of feeling anything for you. The day you made it perfectly clear I could never really be a part of your life. This day I tore myself away from the pain I had experienced and looked for ways to keep going.
Today I looked down at my feet and sobbed. Wondering if anything could ever be done about all that we shared. I doubted but I tried to maintain my head held high. Do you even want to imagine how hard that was to do so?
I seriously think there was no inclination in your fiber. None of which you could comprehend the amounts of rage that entered me. The body so raped of emotion and yet too many pierced my heart. I looked around, everywhere to find one shred of comfort only to realize nothing could contain my anguish.
I lingered in the space I was standing in. Holding myself tight as I tried to motivate my mind and limbs forward. How? How could you chose to walk all over me for so many years? How did I allow that?
So hard to let go. And you made me choose what was most important. So hateful. So nasty. Yet to this day I say only positive things about you to others. No one knows the levels I had to degrade to become somewhat worthy to you. To this day so many people believe I walked away.
Ha. I laugh in sarcasm. The tired spirit I had. I saw no reason to continue to move forward. I saw only the day I would finally be buried. So that you could move onto the "love of your life". I was waiting for death to greet me to wash me away from this earth. Back to the dirt I was before.
Yet I know now, years upon the anniversary of your lies, I was freed. You gave me life. It was a horrible choice you gave me. To this day I scream because you won, in a way. Then I recall that Jehovah reminds me that I have my joy and I will gain even more in Paradise. That is a promise I look forward too.
If by opportunity you are there, I pray my children learn that I didn't have a choice. I hope their memory is not a bad taste of me.
I was washed thoroughly with poison and given the one opportunity to flee, even with them. That was shut down so fast. It was your rubber band effect. It is interesting just how much you didn't want them but you didn't want me to have them either. It just hurts that now, even as I think over those days, and recall the laws and devices used. Maybe it was for the best that you were capable of being vicious. Because I see pictures on occasion of my beautiful children. I am grateful they NEVER saw your hatred of me.
So on this day long ago you finally released me of my prison cell, my deathbed. Why did you wait so long? I can't begin to understand. My only hope is that the relationship you never built with our children, is strong and you became a different person for the woman who is now a part of your life, these few years. I keep praying one day the children are smart enough to see.
Yet one can only pray, hope and continue to maintain the distance that is asked. All I can do is look forward to that one day where they come to me, asking, begging to know why I fled. By then realizing it had NOTHING to do with them but the battle of power between you and I. As usual you won because I was a weak woman with no backbone.
Today I had to step up and say something. The anger inside of me is just too much. You wanted me dead. You tried once when I was with child, and continued down the line. I could never be your equal and you had to snuff out the shine inside of my eyes. My saving grace was our daughter. I had 1 month of care and concern. That lasted me through the rest of our years together. The kindness you showered on me. I didn't know it was possible to see that side of you again.
Sad that it kept us going only 2 years more. That is when I got the ultimatium and I continued to hold us strong. Why did I bother? Why was it so important to not let go? Divorce was not in my goals. Lifelong love was, struggle was and death was the only way out.
Oh how I understand now that I was just a bad breath you couldn't shake, for nearly 13 years. I am sorry to have made you feel shackled down to a piece of dirt. And am I sorry now? NO. You once loved me.
Not sad about all that I held together. Only disappointed that I wasn't strong enough to outlive you and the pain. Sad that I didn't get to have my children with me. I am angry that lies still were pressed in their ears. I am angry that even though I experiences trials and almost death but I am capable of seeing that talking too much about negativity to a child can make them hate. Can make them never understand what is real and not.
Why are you doing that? Now I don't even get to talk to them anymore. Their choice is trickled down by the lies and hatred you had of me. And yet I say nothing bad in return. It makes me different. I feel sorry for you and the life you live now. Saddens me that one day they will see through you and it will harm them greatly. All because I didn't let them hear me rant about my life with you.
The difference is I cared for them to build a relationship with you without my biased opinions and experiences. I wanted them to choose their paths based on the knowledge they gained. I see I am just their mother. Nothing more.
This makes me sad. Yet I can't remain there because there are still years to come. I do not know what will happen. I can only love, pray and hope. Wouldn't you want that too?
Today I looked down at my feet and sobbed. Wondering if anything could ever be done about all that we shared. I doubted but I tried to maintain my head held high. Do you even want to imagine how hard that was to do so?
I seriously think there was no inclination in your fiber. None of which you could comprehend the amounts of rage that entered me. The body so raped of emotion and yet too many pierced my heart. I looked around, everywhere to find one shred of comfort only to realize nothing could contain my anguish.
I lingered in the space I was standing in. Holding myself tight as I tried to motivate my mind and limbs forward. How? How could you chose to walk all over me for so many years? How did I allow that?
So hard to let go. And you made me choose what was most important. So hateful. So nasty. Yet to this day I say only positive things about you to others. No one knows the levels I had to degrade to become somewhat worthy to you. To this day so many people believe I walked away.
Ha. I laugh in sarcasm. The tired spirit I had. I saw no reason to continue to move forward. I saw only the day I would finally be buried. So that you could move onto the "love of your life". I was waiting for death to greet me to wash me away from this earth. Back to the dirt I was before.
Yet I know now, years upon the anniversary of your lies, I was freed. You gave me life. It was a horrible choice you gave me. To this day I scream because you won, in a way. Then I recall that Jehovah reminds me that I have my joy and I will gain even more in Paradise. That is a promise I look forward too.
If by opportunity you are there, I pray my children learn that I didn't have a choice. I hope their memory is not a bad taste of me.
I was washed thoroughly with poison and given the one opportunity to flee, even with them. That was shut down so fast. It was your rubber band effect. It is interesting just how much you didn't want them but you didn't want me to have them either. It just hurts that now, even as I think over those days, and recall the laws and devices used. Maybe it was for the best that you were capable of being vicious. Because I see pictures on occasion of my beautiful children. I am grateful they NEVER saw your hatred of me.
So on this day long ago you finally released me of my prison cell, my deathbed. Why did you wait so long? I can't begin to understand. My only hope is that the relationship you never built with our children, is strong and you became a different person for the woman who is now a part of your life, these few years. I keep praying one day the children are smart enough to see.
Yet one can only pray, hope and continue to maintain the distance that is asked. All I can do is look forward to that one day where they come to me, asking, begging to know why I fled. By then realizing it had NOTHING to do with them but the battle of power between you and I. As usual you won because I was a weak woman with no backbone.
Today I had to step up and say something. The anger inside of me is just too much. You wanted me dead. You tried once when I was with child, and continued down the line. I could never be your equal and you had to snuff out the shine inside of my eyes. My saving grace was our daughter. I had 1 month of care and concern. That lasted me through the rest of our years together. The kindness you showered on me. I didn't know it was possible to see that side of you again.
Sad that it kept us going only 2 years more. That is when I got the ultimatium and I continued to hold us strong. Why did I bother? Why was it so important to not let go? Divorce was not in my goals. Lifelong love was, struggle was and death was the only way out.
Oh how I understand now that I was just a bad breath you couldn't shake, for nearly 13 years. I am sorry to have made you feel shackled down to a piece of dirt. And am I sorry now? NO. You once loved me.
Not sad about all that I held together. Only disappointed that I wasn't strong enough to outlive you and the pain. Sad that I didn't get to have my children with me. I am angry that lies still were pressed in their ears. I am angry that even though I experiences trials and almost death but I am capable of seeing that talking too much about negativity to a child can make them hate. Can make them never understand what is real and not.
Why are you doing that? Now I don't even get to talk to them anymore. Their choice is trickled down by the lies and hatred you had of me. And yet I say nothing bad in return. It makes me different. I feel sorry for you and the life you live now. Saddens me that one day they will see through you and it will harm them greatly. All because I didn't let them hear me rant about my life with you.
The difference is I cared for them to build a relationship with you without my biased opinions and experiences. I wanted them to choose their paths based on the knowledge they gained. I see I am just their mother. Nothing more.
This makes me sad. Yet I can't remain there because there are still years to come. I do not know what will happen. I can only love, pray and hope. Wouldn't you want that too?
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