Just when you start to believe in people you see their hate for themselves soar
Funny how I once believed that I was something important to someone. Once.
Though now I realize I was just the pawn of a larger game. Its sad that it took years to see. To look inside of myself and really see how wrong I was about people.
So hard, I could never trust again. Do you know how many years it took me to trust? DO YOU?? No. Of course not. You can never understand that level.
Yet I stood and allowed so much because I actually believe that I was something. And yet, I find I was nothing. Once more a nobody. The black sheep that caused more rift than anything. I was the instrument that created stories. Unbelievable that I allowed myself to be in that position.
I even got to the point of believing it was all my fault. I suppose that is what you told others. That I was crazy just like all the rest of the women in your life that made you own up to your promises. You, though, are so incapable of keeping even one promise much less owning up to your responsibilities of your actions.
So incapable of liking yourself that you have to create this world where bull is the biggest manure you sleep in. So sad that even you can't differentiate the truth anymore. You have said so much to so many people that you have to cover with another lie to help cover the other one you just spoke.
And yet I have no pity for you. I have no love for your actions. I still hope for the spirit within you and yet I can't understand why I see possible good in you. Just that glimmer. Why?
I hoped to be a reality but I realized I wasn't even part of a fantasy, what made me think I would be a part of a real life adventure with you? Whatever gave me the impression I was what you wanted?
Oh the images created by the multitude of lies. So descriptive of your deception that the con conned the even himself. Sadly you couldn't find what was real anymore. Still to this late morning you are struggling to find a real stone inside of your cold heart.
Even I hope for a portion of warmth to be found there. Not sure why I hope for that. Maybe the possibility of finding the true you. Though I know decades it will take you. I hope that your life has to crumble before the hardship finds you. No this part isn't the hard part for you. Its the easiest part. That freedom you so desire is so close.
Yet wait. Those years in the world will either build you telling you what you are missing or finally just kill you. With no importance left. I hope never that. Not even now do I hope that. I know that you hate yourself but you keep returning to your cycle and one day its going to hurt you.
By then you won't know me. You won't even think of regret. For even as I think of your sorry state, I notice that there is no feeling of remorse. The involvement of many and still you crank out the gifts and lies.
No. I have no sorrow but for the child you lost long ago.
You are not a survivor. Just a manipulator. A major con artist. Believe me when I say I know how they turn out, I watched my father fall. I will watch you fall. I will feel the sorrow then. When all is lost, gone, and you are begging. I will feel the pain you have found, finding yourself.
All I ask of Jehovah is that he helps me to not help you. To starve myself from all your pages and all that leads to you. I pray that Jehovah gives me courage to stand on my own. Even in those times when people surround me with hateful words. I still hope for strength and courage.
As for you I can only hope that you stop hating yourself long enough to see what you lost in a real friendship. Oh not with me. You never had a real friendship with me. I was talking about you and Jehovah.
I hope that you can rebuild one day. Just as Peter and David did. Yet I am not certain if it is even possible.
Yet I can hope. I keep placing a positive lesson in all of this. Why would someone hate themselves so much to have a spiritual death, repeatedly? Never was strong were you? Never were you ever a spiritual child? Only pressured. Only did things to please.
Though I am only sad that you lost so much because of your intricate lies. I am very upset how you pretended to understand and yet you couldn't dig deep. The stories. All I know now is just how much you pretend. How much of you is hate. Yes HATE.
You feel no remorse. So in that form you hate yourself so much that death is your freedom. Here, I hand you your spiritual knife. Take it. Either do away or grow. But don't search for comfort in the arms of others. Else you learn nothing of your life.
Beat yourself up. Learn to dislike all parts of your being but learn to grow. Else not growing lead you to death. I would not want to see you in Paradise, with less of the mental issues. For I understand that is where you hate yourself the most. Your cycles you have are inability to care. I get that.
Sorry for your loss of interest in being real. The only thing that keeps you straight. Yet did you ever feel that? No probably still lying to yourself to bring in more "loving" from the scores of others. Ah. I just wait. Patience is the tears as they fall in the morning of your biggest mistake.
Just the goodbye I had to say. Very low that life came to this.
Good bye tasteless memory.
Though now I realize I was just the pawn of a larger game. Its sad that it took years to see. To look inside of myself and really see how wrong I was about people.
So hard, I could never trust again. Do you know how many years it took me to trust? DO YOU?? No. Of course not. You can never understand that level.
Yet I stood and allowed so much because I actually believe that I was something. And yet, I find I was nothing. Once more a nobody. The black sheep that caused more rift than anything. I was the instrument that created stories. Unbelievable that I allowed myself to be in that position.
I even got to the point of believing it was all my fault. I suppose that is what you told others. That I was crazy just like all the rest of the women in your life that made you own up to your promises. You, though, are so incapable of keeping even one promise much less owning up to your responsibilities of your actions.
So incapable of liking yourself that you have to create this world where bull is the biggest manure you sleep in. So sad that even you can't differentiate the truth anymore. You have said so much to so many people that you have to cover with another lie to help cover the other one you just spoke.
And yet I have no pity for you. I have no love for your actions. I still hope for the spirit within you and yet I can't understand why I see possible good in you. Just that glimmer. Why?
I hoped to be a reality but I realized I wasn't even part of a fantasy, what made me think I would be a part of a real life adventure with you? Whatever gave me the impression I was what you wanted?
Oh the images created by the multitude of lies. So descriptive of your deception that the con conned the even himself. Sadly you couldn't find what was real anymore. Still to this late morning you are struggling to find a real stone inside of your cold heart.
Even I hope for a portion of warmth to be found there. Not sure why I hope for that. Maybe the possibility of finding the true you. Though I know decades it will take you. I hope that your life has to crumble before the hardship finds you. No this part isn't the hard part for you. Its the easiest part. That freedom you so desire is so close.
Yet wait. Those years in the world will either build you telling you what you are missing or finally just kill you. With no importance left. I hope never that. Not even now do I hope that. I know that you hate yourself but you keep returning to your cycle and one day its going to hurt you.
By then you won't know me. You won't even think of regret. For even as I think of your sorry state, I notice that there is no feeling of remorse. The involvement of many and still you crank out the gifts and lies.
No. I have no sorrow but for the child you lost long ago.
You are not a survivor. Just a manipulator. A major con artist. Believe me when I say I know how they turn out, I watched my father fall. I will watch you fall. I will feel the sorrow then. When all is lost, gone, and you are begging. I will feel the pain you have found, finding yourself.
All I ask of Jehovah is that he helps me to not help you. To starve myself from all your pages and all that leads to you. I pray that Jehovah gives me courage to stand on my own. Even in those times when people surround me with hateful words. I still hope for strength and courage.
As for you I can only hope that you stop hating yourself long enough to see what you lost in a real friendship. Oh not with me. You never had a real friendship with me. I was talking about you and Jehovah.
I hope that you can rebuild one day. Just as Peter and David did. Yet I am not certain if it is even possible.
Yet I can hope. I keep placing a positive lesson in all of this. Why would someone hate themselves so much to have a spiritual death, repeatedly? Never was strong were you? Never were you ever a spiritual child? Only pressured. Only did things to please.
Though I am only sad that you lost so much because of your intricate lies. I am very upset how you pretended to understand and yet you couldn't dig deep. The stories. All I know now is just how much you pretend. How much of you is hate. Yes HATE.
You feel no remorse. So in that form you hate yourself so much that death is your freedom. Here, I hand you your spiritual knife. Take it. Either do away or grow. But don't search for comfort in the arms of others. Else you learn nothing of your life.
Beat yourself up. Learn to dislike all parts of your being but learn to grow. Else not growing lead you to death. I would not want to see you in Paradise, with less of the mental issues. For I understand that is where you hate yourself the most. Your cycles you have are inability to care. I get that.
Sorry for your loss of interest in being real. The only thing that keeps you straight. Yet did you ever feel that? No probably still lying to yourself to bring in more "loving" from the scores of others. Ah. I just wait. Patience is the tears as they fall in the morning of your biggest mistake.
Just the goodbye I had to say. Very low that life came to this.
Good bye tasteless memory.
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