Only pray
No longer torn nor broken and yet I still feel sore. The strolling through life as a complete idiot. Noticing all the changing signs and yet I did nothing. I just kept thinking the benefit of doubt. Still parts of me said, why not listen?
Why didn't I listen? Hindsight now. But I just wanted to hope things would change. What a fool I was for thinking that. Careful now how I go. Not sure where I will land and how life will go but I hope that Jehovah still supports me.
Helping me to walk away from all the questions still lingering in my mind. I just have to leave the story alone. Don't want to hide anymore. Just so tired of watching. So tired of waiting for another downfall. Not on my part.
Yet I cannot say anything once everything in my head is out. I will just have to watch as the world crumbles around others. I have so much to say and yet all I can do is pray for you. Hoping that the choices now made will help you learn.
Yet I don't see how. I can't even imagine a change. Beginnings have already started with a new line. Tragic in a way and yet no longer will it be my concern after tomorrow. I will not wonder. I will not search. I will not hope. I will only pray.
My mind will, of course, whisper echoing thoughts but I will not voice them. For that will be seen here and then it will show I still have compassion. I cannot let that happen anymore.
I needed something. Yet it was more than capable. And to see it in visual breakdown across time and space, I was a fool to ask it of anyone. I won't ask anyone to understand me, not again. I feel too much from trying to constantly explain myself. I break.
So here I am working hard to look away while others follow the easy trail. I am striving to make sure their steps don't affect me. Nor that the story I hear repeatedly isn't digging into me. I know that there is not something new, never would the words you said be anything but a story told over and over. Only to gain not to lose. For losing you have already gained another ear.
A sad cycle. I won't push. I won't listen. I won't even think of possibilities. I will only pray. Pray that your circles end soon. That the crash hits hard so you can learn about you. About your true needs in life.
I don't guess. I just read. Shocking as that may seem it is true. To you I am always the crazy Mary. Thank you.
Brick and mortar I broke so you could come in. Now brick and mortar and stone I rebuild. Making the rock bottom I have fallen to, more solid than before. Thanks to Jehovah for listening to me. No longer hiding nor disguising secrets. Just letting everything free because I am tired, sad and hurt from holding in everything.
I want to be able to do as I did with my father. Forgive. Move on. Let the evil that hurt me, build me up. Stronger. Yes it takes time. It will take a while before I can let all actions go. No longer care to watch as the world built in your eyes dissolves. All I can do is pray. Lovingly desire a resolution that helps build you from inside out not the other way around.
I won't push. I won't look. I will only pray.
That is the best I can do for anyone hating themselves so much. See I learned long ago to cut because I needed freedom from my pain, from hating what I was. I learned just last week why cutting didn't serve its purpose. I attempted again and realized that I was important. Maybe not to you but I am, to Jehovah.
I can only pray. I can hope that one day my prayers are answered. Yet I won't rush things. We all need time to grow, learn and explore. So do so, then come back. Still that is my prayer. Yet I sound like a mom. And I am pushing.
So now I will go back to my prayers and meditation.
Why didn't I listen? Hindsight now. But I just wanted to hope things would change. What a fool I was for thinking that. Careful now how I go. Not sure where I will land and how life will go but I hope that Jehovah still supports me.
Helping me to walk away from all the questions still lingering in my mind. I just have to leave the story alone. Don't want to hide anymore. Just so tired of watching. So tired of waiting for another downfall. Not on my part.
Yet I cannot say anything once everything in my head is out. I will just have to watch as the world crumbles around others. I have so much to say and yet all I can do is pray for you. Hoping that the choices now made will help you learn.
Yet I don't see how. I can't even imagine a change. Beginnings have already started with a new line. Tragic in a way and yet no longer will it be my concern after tomorrow. I will not wonder. I will not search. I will not hope. I will only pray.
My mind will, of course, whisper echoing thoughts but I will not voice them. For that will be seen here and then it will show I still have compassion. I cannot let that happen anymore.
I needed something. Yet it was more than capable. And to see it in visual breakdown across time and space, I was a fool to ask it of anyone. I won't ask anyone to understand me, not again. I feel too much from trying to constantly explain myself. I break.
So here I am working hard to look away while others follow the easy trail. I am striving to make sure their steps don't affect me. Nor that the story I hear repeatedly isn't digging into me. I know that there is not something new, never would the words you said be anything but a story told over and over. Only to gain not to lose. For losing you have already gained another ear.
A sad cycle. I won't push. I won't listen. I won't even think of possibilities. I will only pray. Pray that your circles end soon. That the crash hits hard so you can learn about you. About your true needs in life.
I don't guess. I just read. Shocking as that may seem it is true. To you I am always the crazy Mary. Thank you.
Brick and mortar I broke so you could come in. Now brick and mortar and stone I rebuild. Making the rock bottom I have fallen to, more solid than before. Thanks to Jehovah for listening to me. No longer hiding nor disguising secrets. Just letting everything free because I am tired, sad and hurt from holding in everything.
I want to be able to do as I did with my father. Forgive. Move on. Let the evil that hurt me, build me up. Stronger. Yes it takes time. It will take a while before I can let all actions go. No longer care to watch as the world built in your eyes dissolves. All I can do is pray. Lovingly desire a resolution that helps build you from inside out not the other way around.
I won't push. I won't look. I will only pray.
That is the best I can do for anyone hating themselves so much. See I learned long ago to cut because I needed freedom from my pain, from hating what I was. I learned just last week why cutting didn't serve its purpose. I attempted again and realized that I was important. Maybe not to you but I am, to Jehovah.
I can only pray. I can hope that one day my prayers are answered. Yet I won't rush things. We all need time to grow, learn and explore. So do so, then come back. Still that is my prayer. Yet I sound like a mom. And I am pushing.
So now I will go back to my prayers and meditation.
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