The storm
I see the sky darkening and I look forward to the storm to come. Internally and externally. I await for the soaking of the spirit and the soul into the downpour. The need to cry and to just escape. These parts of me just need to disappear.
Yes, soon I will. I will no longer be part of anyone's world. Just Jehovah's and mine. I have accepted that and I am truly alright with it. Tears fall down my face as the anger slips away from me and the disappointment fades.
I could not have asked for a better teacher than you. The lessons I learned I will hold with me for a lifetime. To walk away several times and the finally release, pushed away set me free. Allowed me to see that I am worth so much more than the world I played in with you.
To finally see that I am going to be okay. This is joy. Slow to churn inside but it will be all good in time. By then I will no longer be that thought that itches in anyone's mind.
The rain. The storms I press through. Feeling a loss so deep yet it was a mere passing for some. I have treasured finding myself. Still in process.
Starting to ease from the heights of stress I am in. Soon to realize better plans are in play. Soon to understand my place. This is going to be life changing. Severely. Yet it matters not to who listens. I just know that the steps I am going is Jehovah helping me.
I exited your stage. In fact I ran from the drama. Yeah I threw my temper at you and all your understudies. I even barked at you. Though it was my GRIEVING part. I am am allowed to grieve for something. Perhaps I have even shocked you with my "craziness". Yet you have no idea the pain I choke on every second.
And still my storm rages. Yet it is more light thunder and heavy rains. Not tornado and hurricane levels anymore. I see no point in letting you have any gratification in my life now. Your choices never included me. So now I hope they include yourself once more.
Don't do compulsion. Stop your hurricane. Hit it with the best force possible. Although I am clear I have no right to talk, to tell you how to live. Had I had an influence anywhere, maybe you would have been more faithful to yourself.
I sit here thinking over the beauty I saw today. My day of nature, talking to people who are genuinely concerned about me and looking over gemstones. Truly I felt as though I was getting better. The day was gaining in blessings. Then to look at the sky and see darkness. I am overjoyed. Too much to the point my head throbs and my ears knock.
I know you had a grand time where ever you went. That is normal. Yes normal.Your plans always go where you want them to.
I must say though a few didn't but not worry about yesterday.
Admitting I added and then deleted people yesterday. Foreshadowing the possible irritant in my life. I need no more toxic nor drama induced people. Just when I was accepting my "fate" from my actions the assault to my senses. Decades of pain felt in one night. No wonder my temperature spiked.
I let go of those images. And when I speak up again I will be saying the last bit. Then hoping that answers are given. So my life can be washed. Just like the storm to come tonight. A clarity of the senses.
I need this storm.
I need to feel. To be real once more.
I need to be Mary again. Not relying on anyone but Jehovah.
I need this. And even though I expressed hatred and frustration. I realize I expected nothing less of you. I understood.
Still I hoped. Yet too late now.
The storm is needed to break up everything. To help me situate things. To prepare for all good things to come. Starting with finding that lost child inside of me. Then standing on my own.
Yet I say little to make you think. I would not want to influence you in any way. For bad association ruins good habits. I understand my role in that.
So look for this storm. This beauty of Jehovah pouring down. Feel the cleansing. See the thriving of nature all around. Be happy. For once be happy with yourself.
Yes, soon I will. I will no longer be part of anyone's world. Just Jehovah's and mine. I have accepted that and I am truly alright with it. Tears fall down my face as the anger slips away from me and the disappointment fades.
I could not have asked for a better teacher than you. The lessons I learned I will hold with me for a lifetime. To walk away several times and the finally release, pushed away set me free. Allowed me to see that I am worth so much more than the world I played in with you.
To finally see that I am going to be okay. This is joy. Slow to churn inside but it will be all good in time. By then I will no longer be that thought that itches in anyone's mind.
The rain. The storms I press through. Feeling a loss so deep yet it was a mere passing for some. I have treasured finding myself. Still in process.
Starting to ease from the heights of stress I am in. Soon to realize better plans are in play. Soon to understand my place. This is going to be life changing. Severely. Yet it matters not to who listens. I just know that the steps I am going is Jehovah helping me.
I exited your stage. In fact I ran from the drama. Yeah I threw my temper at you and all your understudies. I even barked at you. Though it was my GRIEVING part. I am am allowed to grieve for something. Perhaps I have even shocked you with my "craziness". Yet you have no idea the pain I choke on every second.
And still my storm rages. Yet it is more light thunder and heavy rains. Not tornado and hurricane levels anymore. I see no point in letting you have any gratification in my life now. Your choices never included me. So now I hope they include yourself once more.
Don't do compulsion. Stop your hurricane. Hit it with the best force possible. Although I am clear I have no right to talk, to tell you how to live. Had I had an influence anywhere, maybe you would have been more faithful to yourself.
I sit here thinking over the beauty I saw today. My day of nature, talking to people who are genuinely concerned about me and looking over gemstones. Truly I felt as though I was getting better. The day was gaining in blessings. Then to look at the sky and see darkness. I am overjoyed. Too much to the point my head throbs and my ears knock.
I know you had a grand time where ever you went. That is normal. Yes normal.Your plans always go where you want them to.
I must say though a few didn't but not worry about yesterday.
Admitting I added and then deleted people yesterday. Foreshadowing the possible irritant in my life. I need no more toxic nor drama induced people. Just when I was accepting my "fate" from my actions the assault to my senses. Decades of pain felt in one night. No wonder my temperature spiked.
I let go of those images. And when I speak up again I will be saying the last bit. Then hoping that answers are given. So my life can be washed. Just like the storm to come tonight. A clarity of the senses.
I need this storm.
I need to feel. To be real once more.
I need to be Mary again. Not relying on anyone but Jehovah.
I need this. And even though I expressed hatred and frustration. I realize I expected nothing less of you. I understood.
Still I hoped. Yet too late now.
The storm is needed to break up everything. To help me situate things. To prepare for all good things to come. Starting with finding that lost child inside of me. Then standing on my own.
Yet I say little to make you think. I would not want to influence you in any way. For bad association ruins good habits. I understand my role in that.
So look for this storm. This beauty of Jehovah pouring down. Feel the cleansing. See the thriving of nature all around. Be happy. For once be happy with yourself.
Comments
Post a Comment