Trained well
To think I actually believed in you. I trusted you so far. I wanted to maintain that hope yet I was the crazy one thinking that I meant something. Only to find out in one night that I was just a toy. This reasoning to help you live your life.
Be with that one person who you wanted to love eternally. Sadly I couldn't stand this person. Even more so I knew you loved her. The hatred that would drip from your face when I would say things against her. I should have listened to myself then. I should have walked away.
Yet you train your side ones well. You train us so well that we become like dogs waiting for the fresh meat given. We welcome you each and every time when main source and you get in a tiff. We are those you turn to.
I hear you are training a new girl. I hope she learns she is just another pawn. Just another reasoning for you to use. Yeah first you become friendly with her. Then you tell her this line of stories that draws on her soft heart. Then you got her listening. Hoping and excited that she can't wait to see you again.
Then your wooing begins. The same locations. The similar gifts. Soon she is eating out of the palm of your hands. Then you are onto another and another. So then you have this loud set of groupies waiting for the droplets of your time.
I know the routine. I fell in line so well. We all did. The rules. The regulations. Nothing really changes on you. Then the telling of stories about other and calling them names so that can help you gain more sympathy. Yeah I read that one well before.
You are no better than the man who I thought was my father. I don't feel much pity for you. I just watch you waste away like he did. In the end, did you know he died from losing everything that was important? His greed kept him in a nice position but when he was punished for his mistakes he couldn't handle it. He died young. I actually give you a few more years.
A few more ploys to employ others into your fold. I am just waiting to see the skin on you unravel. All parts of your lies finally slap you once and for all. Then I will show pity.
I now understand why Umrao Jaan is my favorite movie. And I have to realize that from all this hurt I just have my poems and dreams to carry me through.
My heart hurts severely and that is never going to be an understanding you have of me. You are never going to understand my depth. Always told me you and I were alike. You are a liar. Yes I lied. But not to the levels with multiples. I door slammed you and her from my life. I was content in knowing you would never need me again.
Then you showed up. The desperation of me almost dying. Wow, made you come back. Just shows the pawn was a higher need. It was the means of your escape. I understand that now. I can also see how well I helped you escape.
Interesting just how well I understood and I let it go. Giving you one more chance to change. Ha had I known about the love of your life, I would have left sooner. I could have moved away. Why did you bother to cling? Why did you bother to dangle friendship and a rebuild when you just needed me to escape.
You could have had that, all you had to do was ask. Instead you thought calling me nasty names was going to hurt me. Yeah they hurt momentarily. But my life, I had heard worse. I had been in worse. So you were only mild.
And still I laugh today in my hour of rest. Hearing the stories. Listening and realizing I lost everything for you. It is amazing. That is what you wanted me to do. Feel the depth of great sorrow. I felt it as though death was my only solution. Yet even after I cut myself again and again, I realized that it wasn't my fault for loving a liar. It was my cycle. My cycle of abuse that made me keep wanting to be with you.
Truly I have realized that the biggest con of all was your friendship. The compulsion you have, this need to make "friends" and screw them up. In all sense of the words. Well "friends" don't do that to real "friends".
So your latest trainee will have to learn one day. The tricks of the man who you are. When she does, remember she is worldly. She can resort to things. So I warn you, stop training.
One day your court jester is going to see her real role in your court. Then all harm will reign down. I hope you are prepared for the worst, because if she is a true irish grit, you will have all to pay. Family is family. I know.
Most of mine is here in this state and many others. I look forward to never seeing you again. Never being a "friend" to you and never having to be trained again by your standards. Because, well, I am more free than you can ever imagine to be free.
Sorry state you will be in when newest trainee realizes you were just playing with her. She is just a toy in your game. The wooing of "friendships" will be jagged. And I will not be surprised of anguish and angst in her part. Resulting into things that damage.
Yet I won't say anything to her. From one Irish to another, I won't invade her. I am already painted as the crazy friend, the stalker. So someone else will speak up. And I will be walking away. Running in fact when the poo hits the fan harder than this time.
Never looking back at the dirt that hit the window. The menace of your life breaking. I won't rejoice in it. I will just want to see if you can surpass it. Finally admitting to being a chronic liar, finalizing all that can be a possible truth from within your hatred of yourself. I can only hope that you are not passing through the great tribulation with that mindset. Because as much as I hate you, I love the person you were once. A tiny bit of reality, once. A bit of truth that is really the man I know. I will be looking to see if you asked Jehovah for forgiveness of your severe illness or if you sought comfort with Satan.
I can deeply hope not the latter but right now you are sitting with Satan, ruling the world with him. I am not sure how far you have to go back to be real. Maybe when you were 5 or 6. When possibly an innocence was still lingering in your spirit. Perhaps that is how far back you must go to wipe clean your hatred of yourself.
I truly hope that one day, I see a changed man. Maybe an old weary man, weakened by his greed and destroyed by the last truth he lost. Perhaps that is how I have to see my story within yours. It took my role to open so much.
I can understand that. I feel sorrow for all that listen to you, for now. Yet down the road no more listen and you become ignored. Sad I will be for you to have to experience that. Yet it is the only way for you to be real once more. That lost child.
I can't hate you. You knew that. As much as you hurt me, I forgive. Its just how I move forward. So watch me as I wipe you out of me completely. After I have heard her side. Listened to the love you had. Watched the repeats of trainees. I am tired of you.
I became a real person when I didn't see you anymore. Not in front of me, not in my safe haven no where. I became Mary again. Then one I lost when I listened to you. Not anymore.
Be with that one person who you wanted to love eternally. Sadly I couldn't stand this person. Even more so I knew you loved her. The hatred that would drip from your face when I would say things against her. I should have listened to myself then. I should have walked away.
Yet you train your side ones well. You train us so well that we become like dogs waiting for the fresh meat given. We welcome you each and every time when main source and you get in a tiff. We are those you turn to.
I hear you are training a new girl. I hope she learns she is just another pawn. Just another reasoning for you to use. Yeah first you become friendly with her. Then you tell her this line of stories that draws on her soft heart. Then you got her listening. Hoping and excited that she can't wait to see you again.
Then your wooing begins. The same locations. The similar gifts. Soon she is eating out of the palm of your hands. Then you are onto another and another. So then you have this loud set of groupies waiting for the droplets of your time.
I know the routine. I fell in line so well. We all did. The rules. The regulations. Nothing really changes on you. Then the telling of stories about other and calling them names so that can help you gain more sympathy. Yeah I read that one well before.
You are no better than the man who I thought was my father. I don't feel much pity for you. I just watch you waste away like he did. In the end, did you know he died from losing everything that was important? His greed kept him in a nice position but when he was punished for his mistakes he couldn't handle it. He died young. I actually give you a few more years.
A few more ploys to employ others into your fold. I am just waiting to see the skin on you unravel. All parts of your lies finally slap you once and for all. Then I will show pity.
I now understand why Umrao Jaan is my favorite movie. And I have to realize that from all this hurt I just have my poems and dreams to carry me through.
My heart hurts severely and that is never going to be an understanding you have of me. You are never going to understand my depth. Always told me you and I were alike. You are a liar. Yes I lied. But not to the levels with multiples. I door slammed you and her from my life. I was content in knowing you would never need me again.
Then you showed up. The desperation of me almost dying. Wow, made you come back. Just shows the pawn was a higher need. It was the means of your escape. I understand that now. I can also see how well I helped you escape.
Interesting just how well I understood and I let it go. Giving you one more chance to change. Ha had I known about the love of your life, I would have left sooner. I could have moved away. Why did you bother to cling? Why did you bother to dangle friendship and a rebuild when you just needed me to escape.
You could have had that, all you had to do was ask. Instead you thought calling me nasty names was going to hurt me. Yeah they hurt momentarily. But my life, I had heard worse. I had been in worse. So you were only mild.
And still I laugh today in my hour of rest. Hearing the stories. Listening and realizing I lost everything for you. It is amazing. That is what you wanted me to do. Feel the depth of great sorrow. I felt it as though death was my only solution. Yet even after I cut myself again and again, I realized that it wasn't my fault for loving a liar. It was my cycle. My cycle of abuse that made me keep wanting to be with you.
Truly I have realized that the biggest con of all was your friendship. The compulsion you have, this need to make "friends" and screw them up. In all sense of the words. Well "friends" don't do that to real "friends".
So your latest trainee will have to learn one day. The tricks of the man who you are. When she does, remember she is worldly. She can resort to things. So I warn you, stop training.
One day your court jester is going to see her real role in your court. Then all harm will reign down. I hope you are prepared for the worst, because if she is a true irish grit, you will have all to pay. Family is family. I know.
Most of mine is here in this state and many others. I look forward to never seeing you again. Never being a "friend" to you and never having to be trained again by your standards. Because, well, I am more free than you can ever imagine to be free.
Sorry state you will be in when newest trainee realizes you were just playing with her. She is just a toy in your game. The wooing of "friendships" will be jagged. And I will not be surprised of anguish and angst in her part. Resulting into things that damage.
Yet I won't say anything to her. From one Irish to another, I won't invade her. I am already painted as the crazy friend, the stalker. So someone else will speak up. And I will be walking away. Running in fact when the poo hits the fan harder than this time.
Never looking back at the dirt that hit the window. The menace of your life breaking. I won't rejoice in it. I will just want to see if you can surpass it. Finally admitting to being a chronic liar, finalizing all that can be a possible truth from within your hatred of yourself. I can only hope that you are not passing through the great tribulation with that mindset. Because as much as I hate you, I love the person you were once. A tiny bit of reality, once. A bit of truth that is really the man I know. I will be looking to see if you asked Jehovah for forgiveness of your severe illness or if you sought comfort with Satan.
I can deeply hope not the latter but right now you are sitting with Satan, ruling the world with him. I am not sure how far you have to go back to be real. Maybe when you were 5 or 6. When possibly an innocence was still lingering in your spirit. Perhaps that is how far back you must go to wipe clean your hatred of yourself.
I truly hope that one day, I see a changed man. Maybe an old weary man, weakened by his greed and destroyed by the last truth he lost. Perhaps that is how I have to see my story within yours. It took my role to open so much.
I can understand that. I feel sorrow for all that listen to you, for now. Yet down the road no more listen and you become ignored. Sad I will be for you to have to experience that. Yet it is the only way for you to be real once more. That lost child.
I can't hate you. You knew that. As much as you hurt me, I forgive. Its just how I move forward. So watch me as I wipe you out of me completely. After I have heard her side. Listened to the love you had. Watched the repeats of trainees. I am tired of you.
I became a real person when I didn't see you anymore. Not in front of me, not in my safe haven no where. I became Mary again. Then one I lost when I listened to you. Not anymore.
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