I am better yet still weak
I love how a morning of rain brings down my temperature. The nearly hundred two is damaging. Yet I am grateful for still living through it.
Looking up in the sky noticing the whitish yellow shimmer escaping the cloud masses. So pretty. Parts of the gratitude of waking up today. Temp down to almost one hundred. It is good that I feel like a person, sort of. Still so much swelling.
But certainly better.
One day I will realize I can't do the things I used to do. I can't push myself for the forty plus hours of work unless I am seated half the day. My soul cannot seem to handle the standing much anymore. The years of retail and numerous amounts of jobs, I pushed to support. Yet now, I feel safe to say has pushed me into my bed more often than not.
I am still so weak today. So tired yet I have a few things I must get done. I only pray for courage to stand up and walk like a regular joe. Hope I have the courage to endure. I really do dislike to cry and yet being so grateful I am able to sit here long enough to write.
Causing me to cry because I have enough energy to do so. Yet I feel the energy slowly seeping out. I try my hardest for not letting people see how tired and painful I am. I strive so hard to maintain the friendly approach when inside I am crumbling.
Oh Jehovah thank you for giving me courage to endure this with a very weak smile. I am grateful I breathe and you gave me a wake up call.
Here I sit staring out my window. Blinds pulled open halfway. So distant I am today. Slowly a freezing is overtaking me. Chills and yet all I can do at the moment is type and stare at the orange leaves against dark bark.
Absorbing the the pain into the air. Pulling in my mind, the pain leaping from my back, legs, neck and arms out to the air. Truly is a practice of mind over matter. Until the mind is affected as well. Then the pain cannot be placed somewhere just endured or I cry. So many years I practiced the removal of pain to areas I can stand it. Yet there have been times when I could not. Most have been within the last few years. All because an allergy of pain medicine.
So many times I had to fall into deep meditation to overcome pain. Including sickening laughter. Yet I don't tell people. I strive NOT to complain nor whine about me. There are people worse off than me out there.
Yet sometimes it is nice for people to know I do get sick. I do experience depth of excruciating pain. That at times I have no desire to move from bed nor chair. Not even the want to use the restroom much less eat for the opportunity I will experience a shock. Staring out a window or sleeping is the only expected thing in my life.
Yet I don't tell many people. I just move along. Here, as I am now, moving along. Getting ready in sorts, forcing myself to move so my soul doesn't become weighted. That the stretching of the canvas of my skin becomes flexible not stapled down. I move.
Yet now I am drained. Good day friends. I am now exhausted. Sleep I must do to be able to move more.
Love this day. Enjoy the moments of peace and calm. Find that life is grand and beautiful. See the light blue transferring into a hazy gray. So delightful.
Time to relax. Sleep and find strength. Indeed.
Looking up in the sky noticing the whitish yellow shimmer escaping the cloud masses. So pretty. Parts of the gratitude of waking up today. Temp down to almost one hundred. It is good that I feel like a person, sort of. Still so much swelling.
But certainly better.
One day I will realize I can't do the things I used to do. I can't push myself for the forty plus hours of work unless I am seated half the day. My soul cannot seem to handle the standing much anymore. The years of retail and numerous amounts of jobs, I pushed to support. Yet now, I feel safe to say has pushed me into my bed more often than not.
I am still so weak today. So tired yet I have a few things I must get done. I only pray for courage to stand up and walk like a regular joe. Hope I have the courage to endure. I really do dislike to cry and yet being so grateful I am able to sit here long enough to write.
Causing me to cry because I have enough energy to do so. Yet I feel the energy slowly seeping out. I try my hardest for not letting people see how tired and painful I am. I strive so hard to maintain the friendly approach when inside I am crumbling.
Oh Jehovah thank you for giving me courage to endure this with a very weak smile. I am grateful I breathe and you gave me a wake up call.
Here I sit staring out my window. Blinds pulled open halfway. So distant I am today. Slowly a freezing is overtaking me. Chills and yet all I can do at the moment is type and stare at the orange leaves against dark bark.
Absorbing the the pain into the air. Pulling in my mind, the pain leaping from my back, legs, neck and arms out to the air. Truly is a practice of mind over matter. Until the mind is affected as well. Then the pain cannot be placed somewhere just endured or I cry. So many years I practiced the removal of pain to areas I can stand it. Yet there have been times when I could not. Most have been within the last few years. All because an allergy of pain medicine.
So many times I had to fall into deep meditation to overcome pain. Including sickening laughter. Yet I don't tell people. I strive NOT to complain nor whine about me. There are people worse off than me out there.
Yet sometimes it is nice for people to know I do get sick. I do experience depth of excruciating pain. That at times I have no desire to move from bed nor chair. Not even the want to use the restroom much less eat for the opportunity I will experience a shock. Staring out a window or sleeping is the only expected thing in my life.
Yet I don't tell many people. I just move along. Here, as I am now, moving along. Getting ready in sorts, forcing myself to move so my soul doesn't become weighted. That the stretching of the canvas of my skin becomes flexible not stapled down. I move.
Yet now I am drained. Good day friends. I am now exhausted. Sleep I must do to be able to move more.
Love this day. Enjoy the moments of peace and calm. Find that life is grand and beautiful. See the light blue transferring into a hazy gray. So delightful.
Time to relax. Sleep and find strength. Indeed.
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