A child's remark
I once said to destroy all the innocence inside of myself. Never guessed that I would actually lose it in the traditional forms. I don't want another person to loose their innocence. Its okay to stay naive in things. It is actually one of the best protections.
Had I dared not to say that as a child, would things have been different? I really don't know. All is hindsight. I have learned much about me through these experiences. Through how to keep going and holding strong even when dying sounded more appealing. So many times I cut myself to get the release. The necessity to forget.
In one instance I did erase or pack up and move the box in my head, in thought permanently. Yet with the clashing of a moment with a drunk person I felt horrid and scared. Little had I really understood the depth of the feeling, until a few days later. Oh how the need to wash my skin clean. So red.
I even went on to be the labelled "crazy". Those moments echo inside of me. I strive so hard to get rid of them. Even more so the want to erase the stupid remarks of a child. Yet I cannot. I have to learn from all of it.
Makes me Mary.
Discomfort. Yet I have to see the lesson and be proud I can survive. Much more is that no, I am not innocent. I haven't been since I was 4 years old.
My words dig deep into me. I whisper my sorrow in the wind. I beg to be healed. To finally have some completion. Yet there is so much I have to learn.
I entertain, now, a freedom of sorts. Knowing that I am clear of all that would relapse inside my mind. Clear.
I am so vibrant. Though at this moment I don't appear so. I hope to one day soar in the air, feel the freedom of all that torments me. No more hidden boxes. No more images.
Then to slap that child that said destroy the innocence within. Oh how I want to. Yet harming myself seems too childish. Idiotic.
So remain innocent as long as you can. Be naive and enjoy the protection. Because the world is nasty and fierce. I would so dislike if you got lost.
Had I dared not to say that as a child, would things have been different? I really don't know. All is hindsight. I have learned much about me through these experiences. Through how to keep going and holding strong even when dying sounded more appealing. So many times I cut myself to get the release. The necessity to forget.
In one instance I did erase or pack up and move the box in my head, in thought permanently. Yet with the clashing of a moment with a drunk person I felt horrid and scared. Little had I really understood the depth of the feeling, until a few days later. Oh how the need to wash my skin clean. So red.
I even went on to be the labelled "crazy". Those moments echo inside of me. I strive so hard to get rid of them. Even more so the want to erase the stupid remarks of a child. Yet I cannot. I have to learn from all of it.
Makes me Mary.
Discomfort. Yet I have to see the lesson and be proud I can survive. Much more is that no, I am not innocent. I haven't been since I was 4 years old.
My words dig deep into me. I whisper my sorrow in the wind. I beg to be healed. To finally have some completion. Yet there is so much I have to learn.
I entertain, now, a freedom of sorts. Knowing that I am clear of all that would relapse inside my mind. Clear.
I am so vibrant. Though at this moment I don't appear so. I hope to one day soar in the air, feel the freedom of all that torments me. No more hidden boxes. No more images.
Then to slap that child that said destroy the innocence within. Oh how I want to. Yet harming myself seems too childish. Idiotic.
So remain innocent as long as you can. Be naive and enjoy the protection. Because the world is nasty and fierce. I would so dislike if you got lost.
Comments
Post a Comment