An outsider, labeled
I have found that I really don't need my phone much anymore. There is no need to see if anyone has spoken to me, for there are none. Today I realized the only reason I look at my phone is to take a photo of nature, post something on etsy, watch a video on jw broadcasting, post a poem on here or read an email. Yet I usually just swipe those away.
I don't have the need for much anymore. Just the computer for research. That is about it. I really don't do much of other things electronically. I just don't see the point anymore. All else is gone.
So now what do I do? Constant research. Constant prayer. Constant secular work. No paintings and no new jewelry either. I haven't had the want recently to work on anything. Just stare out my window, sit on the balcony and sleep. Of course work.
It is grand that the hours increased so much that all other aspects of life have kind of faded from thoughts. Only hits were those of yesterday.
Oh how I dreamed. Oh how I wanted to ask. Yet I don't even really bother anymore. I just sigh and return my eyes to the distant breezes on the trees. Oblivious to many things and still I am here. Just not really focused on now nor that of the past nor even future. Just here.
I keep moving because that is what I have always done. Never really showing much emotion and making known the ripples of hardship hurt me. I just don't show that. I won't be sorry for never really explaining me.
All I can do now is keep going. Not dwelling on any one thing. Pieces of me are odd but it is just like going to a new school for the first time. Always an adjustment. Believe me I know. Five elementary schools, 4 junior highs and 6 high schools. I have moved too many times to really ever establish friends. So each time I step in the day makes me realize just how strong I am because of never really fitting in.
Whenever I do find someone, friends, its something deep. Yet. Still. Now it is just Jehovah and me. Best friendship that doesn't waver nor count up your imperfections. Ah not to be called crazy, insensitive, cold, hypocrite and weird. That is goodness from Jehovah.
I always tired of listening to the labels. I have never liked labels and for me to be labeled as a Jehovah's Witness, that is saying something grand. Yet I grew weary and did become a hypocrite in the aspect of numerous things.
Even now I laugh. Then chide. Then shake my head free of all the expectations I had of others and myself. A fool. Yes. Time to keep moving. Open the blinds. Dance around the room. Post things on etsy. Trim my hair. Style it. Push myself out the door.
Then pray I don't cry or feel too outside. Obsolete. I hope not to feel that.
Looking around. Getting ready. Just to escape for a moment or two. Then come back, maybe. Be me.
Perhaps. One day.
I don't have the need for much anymore. Just the computer for research. That is about it. I really don't do much of other things electronically. I just don't see the point anymore. All else is gone.
So now what do I do? Constant research. Constant prayer. Constant secular work. No paintings and no new jewelry either. I haven't had the want recently to work on anything. Just stare out my window, sit on the balcony and sleep. Of course work.
It is grand that the hours increased so much that all other aspects of life have kind of faded from thoughts. Only hits were those of yesterday.
Oh how I dreamed. Oh how I wanted to ask. Yet I don't even really bother anymore. I just sigh and return my eyes to the distant breezes on the trees. Oblivious to many things and still I am here. Just not really focused on now nor that of the past nor even future. Just here.
I keep moving because that is what I have always done. Never really showing much emotion and making known the ripples of hardship hurt me. I just don't show that. I won't be sorry for never really explaining me.
All I can do now is keep going. Not dwelling on any one thing. Pieces of me are odd but it is just like going to a new school for the first time. Always an adjustment. Believe me I know. Five elementary schools, 4 junior highs and 6 high schools. I have moved too many times to really ever establish friends. So each time I step in the day makes me realize just how strong I am because of never really fitting in.
Whenever I do find someone, friends, its something deep. Yet. Still. Now it is just Jehovah and me. Best friendship that doesn't waver nor count up your imperfections. Ah not to be called crazy, insensitive, cold, hypocrite and weird. That is goodness from Jehovah.
I always tired of listening to the labels. I have never liked labels and for me to be labeled as a Jehovah's Witness, that is saying something grand. Yet I grew weary and did become a hypocrite in the aspect of numerous things.
Even now I laugh. Then chide. Then shake my head free of all the expectations I had of others and myself. A fool. Yes. Time to keep moving. Open the blinds. Dance around the room. Post things on etsy. Trim my hair. Style it. Push myself out the door.
Then pray I don't cry or feel too outside. Obsolete. I hope not to feel that.
Looking around. Getting ready. Just to escape for a moment or two. Then come back, maybe. Be me.
Perhaps. One day.
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