Just how important is conflict?
I didn't realize that conflict would have helped. So many days I was angry but to show my temper would have created a wall.
Perhaps that is what I should have done. A wall that was necessary. Yet all my life I had seen the makings of anger. I had seen the hatred boiling inside of a person. Including me.
I tried to keep it hidden. So many times I just changed the subject. All in hopes that my deep nasty thoughts of harm would disappear.
Yes they would but I never bothered telling you much less anyone else just how angry I was. Too bad it is too late to explain. Though I am grateful that Jehovah has taught me to cause no harm on people. That revenge isn't mine to be had, it's his.
Also to see anger and conflict all my life, I really am not sure if I wanted to have it still inside of me. So yeah I changed subjects, I referred to other people as my issues but never once did I explain the levels of anger you gave me.
I wanted so badly to be good. Not to challenge nor to cause conflict because I knew I would lose. I still did anyhow. Yet I am grateful I did.
I just allowed my festering anger at you eat me up. Slowly and surely I became different. Dormant even. I became that welcome mat I was so used to being. All because I could not show my anger nor let my tears fall.
Truly just choked me several times. Then to have it all labelled as a moment. By far you excellerated the feelings of disrespect, loathing, hate and harm. I had thought I'd never turn into my father and my sister. Yet here I was becoming them.
So infused with anger and hate that in spite of it all I would remain calm. Oh Jehovah how I hated this person. So deep but I kept the need to please, to be liked, to be wanted. Why do I keep pursuing this line?
Why must I choke back my anger? I need to get it out. I must explain the anger and severe hate of not ever being defended. I lost all trust in this person so long ago I don't even know why I tried.
Yet I gave benefit of doubt. No doubt I was a fool. Oh Jehovah I just remained. Doing what I knew best and yet it was the worst thing ever.
Repeating my history. Over and over again. Not really learning to step away from everything.
So mad at my actions and so angry that they keep moving on. Conquest after another. Why? Was I the problem? Being dormant and compliant?
It's too late to ask now. All I know is that I cannot let it happen again. I don't want that burning hatred and anger to come back. I need to have it cleared out. For opportunity to become a different person once more.
Jehovah help me rid of my anger towards them. Help me rid of my hate of their responses to me. Help me learn to love them again, but at a great distance. Help me to get over all this and whatever comes, let me know that your love is best whether it be council or discpline.
Oh Jehovah so much of me inside is hurt and so so angry. Yet all I can do is cry. Please help me learn further.
Please Jehovah.
Perhaps that is what I should have done. A wall that was necessary. Yet all my life I had seen the makings of anger. I had seen the hatred boiling inside of a person. Including me.
I tried to keep it hidden. So many times I just changed the subject. All in hopes that my deep nasty thoughts of harm would disappear.
Yes they would but I never bothered telling you much less anyone else just how angry I was. Too bad it is too late to explain. Though I am grateful that Jehovah has taught me to cause no harm on people. That revenge isn't mine to be had, it's his.
Also to see anger and conflict all my life, I really am not sure if I wanted to have it still inside of me. So yeah I changed subjects, I referred to other people as my issues but never once did I explain the levels of anger you gave me.
I wanted so badly to be good. Not to challenge nor to cause conflict because I knew I would lose. I still did anyhow. Yet I am grateful I did.
I just allowed my festering anger at you eat me up. Slowly and surely I became different. Dormant even. I became that welcome mat I was so used to being. All because I could not show my anger nor let my tears fall.
Truly just choked me several times. Then to have it all labelled as a moment. By far you excellerated the feelings of disrespect, loathing, hate and harm. I had thought I'd never turn into my father and my sister. Yet here I was becoming them.
So infused with anger and hate that in spite of it all I would remain calm. Oh Jehovah how I hated this person. So deep but I kept the need to please, to be liked, to be wanted. Why do I keep pursuing this line?
Why must I choke back my anger? I need to get it out. I must explain the anger and severe hate of not ever being defended. I lost all trust in this person so long ago I don't even know why I tried.
Yet I gave benefit of doubt. No doubt I was a fool. Oh Jehovah I just remained. Doing what I knew best and yet it was the worst thing ever.
Repeating my history. Over and over again. Not really learning to step away from everything.
So mad at my actions and so angry that they keep moving on. Conquest after another. Why? Was I the problem? Being dormant and compliant?
It's too late to ask now. All I know is that I cannot let it happen again. I don't want that burning hatred and anger to come back. I need to have it cleared out. For opportunity to become a different person once more.
Jehovah help me rid of my anger towards them. Help me rid of my hate of their responses to me. Help me learn to love them again, but at a great distance. Help me to get over all this and whatever comes, let me know that your love is best whether it be council or discpline.
Oh Jehovah so much of me inside is hurt and so so angry. Yet all I can do is cry. Please help me learn further.
Please Jehovah.
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