The rare find
I learned the hardest way that some people mean well and they try to support you only as long as you fit inside their boxes. Once the darkest parts of you come out they don't understand that you were ever that type of person. They can't even imagine what you have such black parts of you.
I realized that they are not toxic people just fake. I realize that is harsh but the people that can only handle your surface issues within your friendships really are friends but acquaintances. To learn that after years of telling people about me, oh just wow. I can't imagine just how many times rumors were spread or slander was put into the air. Then to realize I just put myself there. I let them, I gave them the "rights" to dissect me.
Then to have those people who are genuine, deep and understanding. The rare few that get the grit inside of you, not from personal experiences, entirely but just the capability to want to learn about all parts of you. Indeed to find such people are rare. So rare you tend to squeeze them too tight. In process you lose them. Sad because you were too busy with your own issues to look at theirs.
I have done that to a few. Lifetime one can expect to find maybe, just maybe, 1 or 2. For me I had my limit. Yet I was privileged to find a third. Even that one I clung to and squeezed the likeness out of. I more am tolerable to this person. The pain, the whiny person I have become overlooking their struggles.
I have become the acquaintance. Whereas I always wanted to be the confidant. I don't have that privilege in this person's life. Ah but I can hope.
All I can say is that they helped me heal in some ways, still see the grit in the blackest parts of my life and continue to help me. Yet what can I do? All I can do is write.
All I want to be able to express is that I am capable of being a good friend and confidant. Yet do you think I am worthy to you?
I realized that they are not toxic people just fake. I realize that is harsh but the people that can only handle your surface issues within your friendships really are friends but acquaintances. To learn that after years of telling people about me, oh just wow. I can't imagine just how many times rumors were spread or slander was put into the air. Then to realize I just put myself there. I let them, I gave them the "rights" to dissect me.
Then to have those people who are genuine, deep and understanding. The rare few that get the grit inside of you, not from personal experiences, entirely but just the capability to want to learn about all parts of you. Indeed to find such people are rare. So rare you tend to squeeze them too tight. In process you lose them. Sad because you were too busy with your own issues to look at theirs.
I have done that to a few. Lifetime one can expect to find maybe, just maybe, 1 or 2. For me I had my limit. Yet I was privileged to find a third. Even that one I clung to and squeezed the likeness out of. I more am tolerable to this person. The pain, the whiny person I have become overlooking their struggles.
I have become the acquaintance. Whereas I always wanted to be the confidant. I don't have that privilege in this person's life. Ah but I can hope.
All I can say is that they helped me heal in some ways, still see the grit in the blackest parts of my life and continue to help me. Yet what can I do? All I can do is write.
All I want to be able to express is that I am capable of being a good friend and confidant. Yet do you think I am worthy to you?
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