Ocean foam and bubbles

I wander the ocean coast. I listened to families talk and laugh. I listened to the ocean crash against the grains of sand. I felt the foam hit my toes.

I wanted to say thank you. Thank you for making realize I am not but a small grain of sand being kissed by the grand body of water. Thank you for making me see just how insignificant I am.

Indeed I am so angry. I want to scream all the words out of me at you but what good is that when it just falls on deaf ears? No use whatsoever. I was just a pushover. I have come to understand why I was there, why it happened. I laugh in remembering.

Truly I must laugh because I was a willing chess piece in the knockdown of a great player. Interesting how I played my part. So well I convinced myself I was good enough. WOW!

I was willing inside of everything. Yet what good was it? It was just the means so you could carry on to another. Well I truly hope you get what you want. Cause I am tired.

Ready to just rock myself to sleep in sorts and have chills in another way.

Just upset that I had to be used to gain better things for others. Its so sad. What is worse is that I would like to eliminate ever knowing but I really can't. Its a part of who I am now.

So ready for this night to be over. So I can get back and answer questions. Get the ball rolling and find out what is expected of me now. For I willingly was a part of something but clearly all of it was mind games.

I should have walked away after my accident. Completely. Especially when it took me nearly dying for you to actually want to talk to me. That is the saddest part. Not surprised though.

So here I was enjoying the sea and all I could think about was the need to slap your face a few times. Yet even my hands could not raise to do so. In doing so you only gain side of seeing my anger towards you finally. And still you were not worth my touch.

Yes my emotions are harsh but worse are the memories, worse are the conversations. Yeah as what you are you won't remember anything. Already have strongly carried on. I see it. So fast.

I may be out your life but you got a whole string waiting. All you gotta do is say it. Sad.

I may look naive but I knew. I know how repeating happens. Look. I did the repeat. And  I am going to take my price I have to pay. Not with shoulder down. I am going to learn.

And the sea, I was lost in, I finally see why I am only a grain of sand in a shoe. I understand that I am only capable of doing so much. I tried to help only I make things worse. Always.

Looking back over the years. I don't recall any time I was harmed until the name calling. That should have been my key, the significance to just let go. And I couldn't. I wouldn't just go. Sad little puppy I was. Stupid I am.

Today I took pictures and planned on remaining by myself. Holding the photos as a part of me. Yet why hold back? I have nothing to hide now. Just the emptiness I have grown. But that will release one day. Just not today nor anytime this year.

Yeah I can do whatever I want. It is my decision. Yes you told me that several times. I understood the shallow answer you gave. I heard the tired of Mary ring in your voice. Even now I still hear how irritating I was to you.

Sorry I tried to be a friend. But not sorry for anything else.

So the ocean foam and bubbles reminded me of my scattered thoughts and all the things I remember about Savannah. I could not visit here again. It is my constant place I go after things like this. I need to go home. Real home.