Many layers of me
Today has had a lot of thoughts rumbling through my head. So many words that scream for an outing and yet I have no idea how to just let them go.
Anger. Such a nasty expression of pain that anyone can place upon another or themselves. It eats so much of your internal self that you end up being your own poison. Followed by anguish which can lead you down a very dark, lonely road. Ending up in a pool of blood or water. Just the pieces of dark that can be found.
Joy. The bounces of life and love. Yet then you ask yourself what does love have to do with joy. It is the factor not of that in which romance towards others but that of friendships and siblings. People who you hold very dear.
Then leads to the facing of fear. Yes fear of losing, of fading from their lives. It causes such tragedy inside of you. The wondering of what was wrong with me, was I not enough. Into the tears stage I go and low tides of worth erupt. Finding that peace has to be the key.
Peace that brings a numbing calm inside of me. The parts of me that don't simmer down much. That of my mind. The anxious thoughts. Even possibly the bits of jealousy. Yet it really isn't a mean jealousy or greed it is more of the concern factor. The protector inside of me. Not a stalking type. Just the hopes that steps made can visually be seen not just by me but by yourself.
Then I have to realize that I can't control any one person. I have to remember sometimes we need to fall to see the errors. We have to make the experiences the lessons we need to grow. Yet the "mom" , the "protector" , the "guardian" in me wants to hold a net below all. I know I can't and that brings stress into my heart. Makes my mind bleed anger and anguish.
Still I have to walk, run and even fly out of the vicinity. Yes that brings tears to me. The frustration that I could not stop what was there. I never really should have tried. I just should have left, walked away and let it all fall down hard.
Yet. I could not. And so I took the brunt of the assault. The things I do to help are truly phenomenal. Yet nothing is recognized except the emotions I project to be fiercely passionate about. All people see is that I acted like I was cold, jealous or even malicious. Yet did anyone really look at the picture? The wider, panoramic view?
I can't expect people to understand me. Yet I get so much from them. In fact I have tried to wash some of the things they tell me away. Yet it sticks like sap on paper. So I have to place it in some kind of box in the back of my mind. Tell me, please, how does one ever rid of that mess?
Then I leave completely. Eliminating them from me. Yes in their presence I am nervous. I have told them things about me but unlike me remaining still, quiet as Jehovah has told me to, I see the usage being spread. So yeah I get concerned that who I am, the deep layers and all, seem cold. And will be given that aspect to many. Its not the worry that I am perceived as a icy person. Its the factor that what I experience, was used to benefit others in a negative way.
Something I must say I am constantly praying to Jehovah to send away from my mind. I hope to be a positive influence to those who need me. Yet am I really needed by anyone? Shrugs. One does wonder on occasion.
Often times I am distant. I may be smiling but I am worlds away in a safe cocoon. Not really ignoring any conversation just protecting myself from harm.
Very small amounts of people actually want to dig into my layers and question who I am. Its a grand appreciation when I do explain myself I don't get judged nor pushed away. I am full of gratitude when some does show genuine interest and want to have a full on conversation, not chit chat nor sparse sarcastic words.
Indeed some days I feel as though I am one of those seven wonders of the world. Many people want to travel to see me and yet they are content in never really knowing it. Kind of an odd way to see yourself. And no it isn't a negative way either. Some days you just have to face the fact that you are unique in so many ways and that can really scare somebody, if they never took an opportunity to dig a little deeper.
Many times these facts make me seem as though I am always looking inside the window to a warm, blissful family gathering and not noticed and told to come in. Even though maybe I am to several, I shy away from events. Too much entertainment is too loud for my mind. I deconstruct and tumble down.
Music - vibrations and words, art - painting, coloring and drawing, and crushing metal into beautiful odd shapes truly are beneficial to me gaining the firmness I need to come back to helping people.
So many people have yet to realize that about me. Even my own family. This is a trial in itself. So if you know me, dig deeper still. There are yet, many many layers you haven't found. That is if you can look passed all my imperfections and want to dig. I cannot push any person. Yet you must understand I am very passionate about many things and a full conversation about you or questions for me to answer about something I love to research would mean more than the stars in the sky. So please please I invite you to peel away another layer, if you dare.
Anger. Such a nasty expression of pain that anyone can place upon another or themselves. It eats so much of your internal self that you end up being your own poison. Followed by anguish which can lead you down a very dark, lonely road. Ending up in a pool of blood or water. Just the pieces of dark that can be found.
Joy. The bounces of life and love. Yet then you ask yourself what does love have to do with joy. It is the factor not of that in which romance towards others but that of friendships and siblings. People who you hold very dear.
Then leads to the facing of fear. Yes fear of losing, of fading from their lives. It causes such tragedy inside of you. The wondering of what was wrong with me, was I not enough. Into the tears stage I go and low tides of worth erupt. Finding that peace has to be the key.
Peace that brings a numbing calm inside of me. The parts of me that don't simmer down much. That of my mind. The anxious thoughts. Even possibly the bits of jealousy. Yet it really isn't a mean jealousy or greed it is more of the concern factor. The protector inside of me. Not a stalking type. Just the hopes that steps made can visually be seen not just by me but by yourself.
Then I have to realize that I can't control any one person. I have to remember sometimes we need to fall to see the errors. We have to make the experiences the lessons we need to grow. Yet the "mom" , the "protector" , the "guardian" in me wants to hold a net below all. I know I can't and that brings stress into my heart. Makes my mind bleed anger and anguish.
Still I have to walk, run and even fly out of the vicinity. Yes that brings tears to me. The frustration that I could not stop what was there. I never really should have tried. I just should have left, walked away and let it all fall down hard.
Yet. I could not. And so I took the brunt of the assault. The things I do to help are truly phenomenal. Yet nothing is recognized except the emotions I project to be fiercely passionate about. All people see is that I acted like I was cold, jealous or even malicious. Yet did anyone really look at the picture? The wider, panoramic view?
I can't expect people to understand me. Yet I get so much from them. In fact I have tried to wash some of the things they tell me away. Yet it sticks like sap on paper. So I have to place it in some kind of box in the back of my mind. Tell me, please, how does one ever rid of that mess?
Then I leave completely. Eliminating them from me. Yes in their presence I am nervous. I have told them things about me but unlike me remaining still, quiet as Jehovah has told me to, I see the usage being spread. So yeah I get concerned that who I am, the deep layers and all, seem cold. And will be given that aspect to many. Its not the worry that I am perceived as a icy person. Its the factor that what I experience, was used to benefit others in a negative way.
Something I must say I am constantly praying to Jehovah to send away from my mind. I hope to be a positive influence to those who need me. Yet am I really needed by anyone? Shrugs. One does wonder on occasion.
Often times I am distant. I may be smiling but I am worlds away in a safe cocoon. Not really ignoring any conversation just protecting myself from harm.
Very small amounts of people actually want to dig into my layers and question who I am. Its a grand appreciation when I do explain myself I don't get judged nor pushed away. I am full of gratitude when some does show genuine interest and want to have a full on conversation, not chit chat nor sparse sarcastic words.
Indeed some days I feel as though I am one of those seven wonders of the world. Many people want to travel to see me and yet they are content in never really knowing it. Kind of an odd way to see yourself. And no it isn't a negative way either. Some days you just have to face the fact that you are unique in so many ways and that can really scare somebody, if they never took an opportunity to dig a little deeper.
Many times these facts make me seem as though I am always looking inside the window to a warm, blissful family gathering and not noticed and told to come in. Even though maybe I am to several, I shy away from events. Too much entertainment is too loud for my mind. I deconstruct and tumble down.
Music - vibrations and words, art - painting, coloring and drawing, and crushing metal into beautiful odd shapes truly are beneficial to me gaining the firmness I need to come back to helping people.
So many people have yet to realize that about me. Even my own family. This is a trial in itself. So if you know me, dig deeper still. There are yet, many many layers you haven't found. That is if you can look passed all my imperfections and want to dig. I cannot push any person. Yet you must understand I am very passionate about many things and a full conversation about you or questions for me to answer about something I love to research would mean more than the stars in the sky. So please please I invite you to peel away another layer, if you dare.
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