Keep holding onto you. Its okay to be selfish to learn you are VISIBLE
You try yourself the hardest when you believe you are not alone. That to me was the biggest part of recovery. Yet inside of me did I even want anyone to help me? No. I wanted to heal my own way. In a way I wanted someone to reach out but who. There really wasn't anyone that could. I had made the appearance that EVERYTHING was peachy. Nothing was wrong within my life.
Besides that I didn't want a "stranger" to find the deepest parts of me and exploit it. I just wanted to lick my own wounds. Sadly to say I did. That made me stronger. It even helped open the festering wounds. Properly healing them.
Then I allowed people in. I realize I was still very weak. I still had so much growing to do but that is when I really needed people to know that my life was not ever roses. They were worse than the thorns and beetles. Making people see that proved to be difficult because the image I had projected about my life.
Give little detail as possible and omit all else but the positive, lighthearted stuff. Truly what happened was my own fault to a degree. I take full responsibility for letting things happen to me, keeping it to myself and just rolling with whatever was left of me. Just how I survived.
I didn't make up anything I just omitted, erased and forgot. I didn't want to see the negative in people. Although it was projected in my writings and journals. Yet no one ever read those, even if they did all they could see is the dark.
If they only understood the daily pain. My life where I cut into my skin with a razor, knife and scissors, those were the escapes of life. Nowadays I just have to settle for writing. If people read and see dark then that is what they see. If people read and see a struggle good. Yet I don't write for people, I write for me. It is my therapy to make myself real. Make my pain dissolve, even if it is for a short time.
I look down now, as wrinkles begin to form on my hands. Noting that I am not young as I used to be but I am still stronger than then. It has taken years to realize that I can talk to people about my pain. I can tell them the truth of me and they won't cower away. I can show my tears, my weaknesses to people and I can finally feel a bit free.
Did you know that hearing of the death of some of those that hurt, just was the icing on the cake to move on. To go on stronger. That is the saddest part, though. To finally feel that there is this humongous release on yourself. No longer will you be hassled by these people. Why, though, is it sad? Because their deaths is what cause your release.
Sure I forgave them long ago. Yet still having them in my daily life made the effort of being a person ever harder, more challenging. And when they died I felt that I no longer had to be challenged to see the good in them, daily. No longer did I have to have them "teasing" me about our past. It all just disappeared. Sure I had to deal with others who could not understand my coldness. Sure I had plenty who saw my light come back. Sure I had people wondering if I was crazy for be joyful over their deaths. Sure I also had people hate me because I was just so indifferent to whether they were alive or dead. This upset them so much that they decided to declare I was not a part of their family. Did you know of the greatest joy that was?
Just to hear I no longer had to subject myself to the nastiness they had of me. Truly an awakening I had only dreamed about.
So sure I have family. I just don't talk to them. Not because I don't want to but because I am respecting them. I am giving them what they want and walking in joy and laughter as I find myself again.
So to all those who struggle with this type of life, you are not alone. I understand only as far as my life. I have never walked in yours, nor have I experienced what you have tried to regain positive within your family. Nor will I ever conflict with what you decide to do over situations such as these or worse. I just want you to understand and keep learning of how to become visible because by dern it you are very visible to me.
You keep changing. Don't let the challenge bend you to falling. For I have seen your strength, your smile and your endurance. Keep holding onto you, because it is okay to be selfish.
Besides that I didn't want a "stranger" to find the deepest parts of me and exploit it. I just wanted to lick my own wounds. Sadly to say I did. That made me stronger. It even helped open the festering wounds. Properly healing them.
Then I allowed people in. I realize I was still very weak. I still had so much growing to do but that is when I really needed people to know that my life was not ever roses. They were worse than the thorns and beetles. Making people see that proved to be difficult because the image I had projected about my life.
Give little detail as possible and omit all else but the positive, lighthearted stuff. Truly what happened was my own fault to a degree. I take full responsibility for letting things happen to me, keeping it to myself and just rolling with whatever was left of me. Just how I survived.
I didn't make up anything I just omitted, erased and forgot. I didn't want to see the negative in people. Although it was projected in my writings and journals. Yet no one ever read those, even if they did all they could see is the dark.
If they only understood the daily pain. My life where I cut into my skin with a razor, knife and scissors, those were the escapes of life. Nowadays I just have to settle for writing. If people read and see dark then that is what they see. If people read and see a struggle good. Yet I don't write for people, I write for me. It is my therapy to make myself real. Make my pain dissolve, even if it is for a short time.
I look down now, as wrinkles begin to form on my hands. Noting that I am not young as I used to be but I am still stronger than then. It has taken years to realize that I can talk to people about my pain. I can tell them the truth of me and they won't cower away. I can show my tears, my weaknesses to people and I can finally feel a bit free.
Did you know that hearing of the death of some of those that hurt, just was the icing on the cake to move on. To go on stronger. That is the saddest part, though. To finally feel that there is this humongous release on yourself. No longer will you be hassled by these people. Why, though, is it sad? Because their deaths is what cause your release.
Sure I forgave them long ago. Yet still having them in my daily life made the effort of being a person ever harder, more challenging. And when they died I felt that I no longer had to be challenged to see the good in them, daily. No longer did I have to have them "teasing" me about our past. It all just disappeared. Sure I had to deal with others who could not understand my coldness. Sure I had plenty who saw my light come back. Sure I had people wondering if I was crazy for be joyful over their deaths. Sure I also had people hate me because I was just so indifferent to whether they were alive or dead. This upset them so much that they decided to declare I was not a part of their family. Did you know of the greatest joy that was?
Just to hear I no longer had to subject myself to the nastiness they had of me. Truly an awakening I had only dreamed about.
So sure I have family. I just don't talk to them. Not because I don't want to but because I am respecting them. I am giving them what they want and walking in joy and laughter as I find myself again.
So to all those who struggle with this type of life, you are not alone. I understand only as far as my life. I have never walked in yours, nor have I experienced what you have tried to regain positive within your family. Nor will I ever conflict with what you decide to do over situations such as these or worse. I just want you to understand and keep learning of how to become visible because by dern it you are very visible to me.
You keep changing. Don't let the challenge bend you to falling. For I have seen your strength, your smile and your endurance. Keep holding onto you, because it is okay to be selfish.
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