I sleep here, in the cold

So the day is finally over. The roller-coaster is just coming to a halt. The night overtakes and I find comfort in the darkness.

Seating myself outside for a long time. Not really caring if sickness comes. Just need the tears to fall and the heart to cease the rapid motions.

Slowly my eyes close as the prayers keep thrumming inside of me. Holding me close are the scriptures in Psalm. The songs of David that keep me going strong as I drip tears and leftover droplets of rain upon my bible.

I cannot cease the twisting. I cannot speak for my tongue is swollen and my mouth is dry. My mind is open but for only a little bit of thoughts.

I cannot stay motionless and yet I cannot move. The need to just find hope within the coldness. To be there and find me.

One hopes. Yet. The cold just bites. Just numbs but I need to not to feel anything. I need to empty everything into the wind.

Oh how I yearn to scream and yet I choke on my own spit.  No need to expect comfort anywhere.

No expectation of anything but distances and severity. I just rock myself back and forth remembering all I have survived. Only I hope I continue.

Yet at this moment I just hope to die. Inside. Just hope that all the emotions rolling inside of me become vague. Slowly disappearing so I too came become nothing to anyone significant.

I just cry more. I just lean into the wind. Allowing the bitterness keep me company. As I deserve.

How do I go? How do I move? It makes no difference because I have lost something important to me.

Nothing matters anymore. I have to be content with me. Now.

I even dislike me. I am sure you do too.

Letting go and falling asleep in the cold. Just where I need to be.

Distant to all. Once more.