I need to be there.

I haven't done much today. Not even in the mood to pack much less make a grand journey. I could care less about the joy I will be giving someone else. It just doesn't seem right for me to be experiencing these moments when turbulence is all around me.

I won't be shocked when come saturday no one shows up. I will just be happy I was able to display things. Maybe look into a time when I can one day just allow people to come into my home and pick. And still I am in no big rush to be separate.

Today lots of moments. Tons of Mary moments. More of the factors that I have had roller coasters running in every direction inside of me.

Purging all that is inside, out. Migraine upon me and that is very fine to hold. Makes me realize that I am real. That I cannot change the fact that crying brings them up. I knew they would come and I have accepted the twinges of pain. I have to allow the stress and the tension sit with me. Its best that I am uncomfortable.

I was told to go tonight. Be visible. Yet every part of me screams, become invisible. It is so much easier. Then I realize if I had done the easy thing in the first place, nothing would be in a moment like these, now. Still I learn.

Exhaling. Really noting how I must be ready for a great divide. Always leaves  me standing outside. I have kind of gotten used to never really fitting into this place. My money isn't good enough and my second hand clothing always seems to be the role played sneers. Even more so is the coldness I express. Always in need of "warmth and compassion". Yet did you know I just have to research that. I just have to learn about it because I can't honestly admit I have EVER felt it.

Today is slow going. I was determined earlier. I did do some things such as my bible reading and research. Never got to anything else. I kind of faded into a daze. Perhaps that is the best idea at that moment.

Now I have to get ready. I have to program myself not to arrive too early nor stay too late. I have to learn to step down and back. I am ready. I have been for over 2 years. Its a blessing of sorts. My growth and my refining of who I should become later.

Though there is no stress of what the night may bring. I can only hope that no tears fall. That the composure I have will be strong enough. I know my directions.

Yet here even my stomach growls. Not in hunger but in nerves. I have to have them. Makes me real. Shows that I am so far from perfection. So far from being righteous. Yet I am willing to keep going.

Sure I am uncertain how the night will be. I may even get attacked but I have dealt with that once before and I know I can deal with it now. Every step I take now has to be for my growth. It has to be so that I can learn the means of Jehovah's love and anger of his children. Yes the bible tells about these qualities but the stubborn ones like me have to learn personally.

I admit I am at fault of several things. I admit it. I take full responsibility for all that I have done in my life thus far. And I have to listen to what is recommended for me to grow. No matter the costs. My goal is to stay where I am loved. Even if it means I have to be relocated. This by far is extreme but I will not cause anymore harm.

I will not be the instigator anymore. Too many times I have watched. I have seen. And now it is my turn.

I aim to sit with Jehovah. So whatever is told to me, I must do. I will try my best to stay. Yet if I am pushed out too far I don't even know if Jehovah would hear me.

Getting too far ahead of myself. The multiple scenarios keep building so I must put this idea, this experience to rest in a box. Just for now.

Time to prepare. I need to be there tonight. I need my growth.

Jehovah knows that.