I am real. Not dirt. Not lint. Not invisible.
Sometimes I so badly want to explain to people that they are real. That the pain they extend onto themselves in hopes that others change, really can harm them forever.
Why do you think that I have walked away from so many people in my lifetime? Why do you think I am protective of myself? I don't put myself in harms way anymore. I learned my lesson that as much as people say they have changed, some JUST CAN'T.
It saddens me to walk away from these people, but I am healthier because of it. And believe me they have tried to regain something within us - father daughter, sisters, friendships, work mates but still I maintain my distance. Yes I forgive them but it doesn't mean I have to be in their presence.
I just want to say to some that you don't have to subject yourselves to situations just because you think they have change, or that it is obligation. Sometimes it is okay to say no. Yes even with family. I had to do that. It hurt me deeply because I believe the best in people but I had to put my foot down.
I get so sad watching friends who do this. Not sure if it is the hope that something might change and can't give up or if it just something drilled inside of them. All I know is watching friends become less than air or the dirt upon the ground. I cry. I get angry. I pray. Then I give them all the space they need. Because I know if I talk to them, it will only cause them to be angry at me for my words are true. I don't need that.
I tried to give chances. I tried to have people in my life. I just knew even the worst of people still deserved an opportunity but after striking me down so many times and killing me inside. I just had to let them go. Become so indifferent to them. Now that is the hardest step. Hence why I never contact anyone in my family anymore.
I wanted to be real. I wanted to be a person again. I was worth more that being air or dirt. Or so I felt the desire to be more.
So down went my foot. I may have been called names. Been slandered against but I still held my ground. It was the hardest things to do. To just show people that I was real. I am real. Not air, dirt, lint. Not a welcome mat nor the invisible one. I WAS REAL.
So my friends. I have worked hard to be real. I still have moments where I feel as though being the dirt was easier. Being the invisible one was simple. Yet I can't go back to being her. I tried once. I ended up cutting and harming myself JUST to please people to the extent that my life was surreal.
Some of my friends STILL subject themselves to harm. I cannot understand their reasoning. Maybe they are like me, hoping to see the light inside of the people or even a turn of colors. Yet in turn they get burned harder than before for being a human, for being a person. I want so bad to hold but I cannot. So only my tears fall because I imagine being subjected to that over and over. Even in appearances will eventually degrade and kill you inside.
I just want my friends to know, yes I have been there. I don't want to watch it happen but I am. It just kills me inside too because there is nothing I can do but stand on the sidelines. I can't even approach those in question of killing off my friends joy, happiness. All I can do is wait to see if I am still friends with them. If they want to talk to me.
Right now all I am doing is praying. Hoping they still are real inside. The hardest step is to say no, to walk away and fight for you. Be selfish.
Why do you think that I have walked away from so many people in my lifetime? Why do you think I am protective of myself? I don't put myself in harms way anymore. I learned my lesson that as much as people say they have changed, some JUST CAN'T.
It saddens me to walk away from these people, but I am healthier because of it. And believe me they have tried to regain something within us - father daughter, sisters, friendships, work mates but still I maintain my distance. Yes I forgive them but it doesn't mean I have to be in their presence.
I just want to say to some that you don't have to subject yourselves to situations just because you think they have change, or that it is obligation. Sometimes it is okay to say no. Yes even with family. I had to do that. It hurt me deeply because I believe the best in people but I had to put my foot down.
I get so sad watching friends who do this. Not sure if it is the hope that something might change and can't give up or if it just something drilled inside of them. All I know is watching friends become less than air or the dirt upon the ground. I cry. I get angry. I pray. Then I give them all the space they need. Because I know if I talk to them, it will only cause them to be angry at me for my words are true. I don't need that.
I tried to give chances. I tried to have people in my life. I just knew even the worst of people still deserved an opportunity but after striking me down so many times and killing me inside. I just had to let them go. Become so indifferent to them. Now that is the hardest step. Hence why I never contact anyone in my family anymore.
I wanted to be real. I wanted to be a person again. I was worth more that being air or dirt. Or so I felt the desire to be more.
So down went my foot. I may have been called names. Been slandered against but I still held my ground. It was the hardest things to do. To just show people that I was real. I am real. Not air, dirt, lint. Not a welcome mat nor the invisible one. I WAS REAL.
So my friends. I have worked hard to be real. I still have moments where I feel as though being the dirt was easier. Being the invisible one was simple. Yet I can't go back to being her. I tried once. I ended up cutting and harming myself JUST to please people to the extent that my life was surreal.
Some of my friends STILL subject themselves to harm. I cannot understand their reasoning. Maybe they are like me, hoping to see the light inside of the people or even a turn of colors. Yet in turn they get burned harder than before for being a human, for being a person. I want so bad to hold but I cannot. So only my tears fall because I imagine being subjected to that over and over. Even in appearances will eventually degrade and kill you inside.
I just want my friends to know, yes I have been there. I don't want to watch it happen but I am. It just kills me inside too because there is nothing I can do but stand on the sidelines. I can't even approach those in question of killing off my friends joy, happiness. All I can do is wait to see if I am still friends with them. If they want to talk to me.
Right now all I am doing is praying. Hoping they still are real inside. The hardest step is to say no, to walk away and fight for you. Be selfish.
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