First steps of a "normal" day

My eyes opened so fast this morning. I am thankful I am still breathing. Pretty much the only gratitude I have left. Knots in my stomach for what today may bring but I have to own up to everything and walk with a backbone.

My body quivers but I am okay.

I guess now freedom is here. I am still reading over Psalm 51 in detail. I won't be good company not even in the wind. Yet here I stand with the wind in my face. Chilling me and freeze my legs and feet. Just as I hoped to be. Frozen.

In prayer, if mine can even be heard.

But I will not be negative. I cannot. That will not help me.
Yes I know I'd rather die than show my face anywhere but I am owning all my faults. I don't think and I don't feel at this moment.

I look to my phone in hopes a messages and I know I am a fool.  I gave up that opportunity long ago. Just takes time to sink in. All I was doing was forcing people to be in my presence. Now. Shrugs. I really don't get to decide.

I just float. As I empty all my thoughts out here. It doesn't matter who reads. I spark no drama. I seek no sympathy. I only accept that my words are my own.

I will continue to remain private. Just a little more now.

So body in the wind. Thoughts scatter the air in waves.

I cannot ask anyone to listen. I cannot talk to anyone either. So my words are just me, here. If I can even write, here.

Its just me. And if Jehovah will have me, great. All else well they can talk if they want. If they want me to listen I will hear. Yet if the voice doesn't respond just know the mind hears.

Becoming numb. Time for the daily grind of coffee. Bittersweet I suppose.

Towards a good morning. Its a sad start but it started. I promised myself no crying. And I will maintain that. In public.

Home. Allowances are made.

Here are to the first steps of a "normal" day.