Determination
Ugh. I kick myself. I can't stand just mopping around. It cannot be how I do myself from now on. I must keep going and being strong for myself. I cannot allow myself to wallow in self pity for I am better than that. I know I will have to watch my steps but for goodness sakes stop being down in the blues over split milk.
Its over and done with. Whatever comes, comes. But I cannot let that lay me low. I have to walk standing up right because I know I am a person. Yes I make HUGE mistakes in my life and I have to live with the consequences I have decided upon. Yet it is by no means to tell me to lay down and die.
I never have before. Yes I cried. Yes I wallowed. Yes I wanted to hurt myself. Then I realize I shouldn't feel this way. I cannot be allowed this right. This passage isn't for me, but for those who have been harmed. I am not that.
So I must get up and be that big girl I am and carry on. Sure some of the steps hurt like sharp glass or a stabbing but even those I have felt real. So how, if I am able to survive that in real life, can I not move forward figuratively.
Sure my life has be a roller coaster the last few years. I have been ever changing. Yet today I make the stand to be determined not to be the smashed worm. I am ready to tackle whatever is necessary to never fall back into a pit. I have been there. I have crawled up only to be slammed back down. Believe me when I say it is scarier the second, third and fourth time.
Still I had the determination to continue to coming back. That is where I need to be. To see that I am determined to find the firm ground my feet can stand on.
So now it is time to stop slinking back under the covers, wishing the day would turn to night. To fade away into the woodwork. What is that point? I am not invisible. I spent years defining that I am real and so what if I have to redefine myself again. It is the necessity I can build.
Did you think that I would wallow, continue to harm myself, sit in the darkness and cry all day long. NO. I don't stay there long. I look, I search for those who can teach me. Sure I make my stumbling blocks upon people and myself but does that stop me from redefining, refining the person I need to be? No. I grow. I learn. I accept what I need to do. What I have to do to maintain my place.
Yes I am so scared. Yet do I even deserve that opportunity to be scared of what may take place? No. I did them. By dern I will stand up and feel real again. Clear. I don't know about you but being clear of everything will be that weight gone, completely.
Sure I will cry and hope. But I cannot dwell on the what is gone. I do have a backbone. It is the one I built when I had to leave the old pains behind. The cuts, the poisons, the welcome mat - just everything. I had to grow.
So here I am. Forcing myself to get up. Not allowing the self pity to isolate me. I must be out. I must seek places I found bits of joy. Some I have to cross off my list but I must keep going. This way I move forward and not sink down.
So if you sink, just keep crawling back. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is hit rock bottom only then is when you find yourself, freely. It is interesting that I have hit rock bottom before. Yet never had it hurt more than this time. So I am slowly freeing myself. Climbing high to the top of the pit. All I hope for is a hand to help me out.
Whether it is only the momentary lift or the lifelong. I don't get to choose this time. It is in the hands of the helpers.
So making myself get out. Clear out my mind before I tackle the battle before me. Be aware of my kinks in my armor so that I can protect my weakness. Indeed it is time to get out.
So shower. Get dress and make the most of today. No smile. Just a determination deep within me. I hope you do well. No falling too hard.
Just move.
Its over and done with. Whatever comes, comes. But I cannot let that lay me low. I have to walk standing up right because I know I am a person. Yes I make HUGE mistakes in my life and I have to live with the consequences I have decided upon. Yet it is by no means to tell me to lay down and die.
I never have before. Yes I cried. Yes I wallowed. Yes I wanted to hurt myself. Then I realize I shouldn't feel this way. I cannot be allowed this right. This passage isn't for me, but for those who have been harmed. I am not that.
So I must get up and be that big girl I am and carry on. Sure some of the steps hurt like sharp glass or a stabbing but even those I have felt real. So how, if I am able to survive that in real life, can I not move forward figuratively.
Sure my life has be a roller coaster the last few years. I have been ever changing. Yet today I make the stand to be determined not to be the smashed worm. I am ready to tackle whatever is necessary to never fall back into a pit. I have been there. I have crawled up only to be slammed back down. Believe me when I say it is scarier the second, third and fourth time.
Still I had the determination to continue to coming back. That is where I need to be. To see that I am determined to find the firm ground my feet can stand on.
So now it is time to stop slinking back under the covers, wishing the day would turn to night. To fade away into the woodwork. What is that point? I am not invisible. I spent years defining that I am real and so what if I have to redefine myself again. It is the necessity I can build.
Did you think that I would wallow, continue to harm myself, sit in the darkness and cry all day long. NO. I don't stay there long. I look, I search for those who can teach me. Sure I make my stumbling blocks upon people and myself but does that stop me from redefining, refining the person I need to be? No. I grow. I learn. I accept what I need to do. What I have to do to maintain my place.
Yes I am so scared. Yet do I even deserve that opportunity to be scared of what may take place? No. I did them. By dern I will stand up and feel real again. Clear. I don't know about you but being clear of everything will be that weight gone, completely.
Sure I will cry and hope. But I cannot dwell on the what is gone. I do have a backbone. It is the one I built when I had to leave the old pains behind. The cuts, the poisons, the welcome mat - just everything. I had to grow.
So here I am. Forcing myself to get up. Not allowing the self pity to isolate me. I must be out. I must seek places I found bits of joy. Some I have to cross off my list but I must keep going. This way I move forward and not sink down.
So if you sink, just keep crawling back. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is hit rock bottom only then is when you find yourself, freely. It is interesting that I have hit rock bottom before. Yet never had it hurt more than this time. So I am slowly freeing myself. Climbing high to the top of the pit. All I hope for is a hand to help me out.
Whether it is only the momentary lift or the lifelong. I don't get to choose this time. It is in the hands of the helpers.
So making myself get out. Clear out my mind before I tackle the battle before me. Be aware of my kinks in my armor so that I can protect my weakness. Indeed it is time to get out.
So shower. Get dress and make the most of today. No smile. Just a determination deep within me. I hope you do well. No falling too hard.
Just move.
Comments
Post a Comment