Up and out
Well the attempt was there. Yet so much of the day remains. So another shot in a few hours. I look forward to working with my siblings to get the news of Jehovah out. It is truly a priviledge I have let slide for a few months.
I have tried so hard to decide where I was going only forgetting I really don't have that choice. So here I am awaiting my commands. Ready to go where I am needed. I suppose right now is focus on growing. No moves.
People always ask what is "stopping you" from going? I could say oh there is a brick wall, a thunderous loud voice or just a restraint. How though do you explain that JEHOVAH is holding you in place. Its not a negative thing. Jehovah is telling me where I need to be. If that offends you then you need to talk to him. If you think I am not growing then you have a lot yet to learn about me.
So many times I think I am ready to leap towards something else but you must realize I think in rashness. I leap and think at the same time. Unclear if I should just be thinking before the big leap. I am not too spontaneous. I know that can be rather boring for other people.
Yet I rather being boring and predictable and understand where I need to be than wandering aimlessly for the need to whack me in the head. I have been there before. I didn't like where that led me.
So right now, yes I am stationary. I am right where Jehovah needs me to be. Obviously I need to focus or refocus on some things. So if that offends you that you may be stuck with me I am not sorry. I am needed here. I can't move to another area with loose ends. Just not who I am.
As for friendships. I have kind of let them go. Right now I can't focus only helping anyone if I get lost in doing so. I learned my lesson with that. Shrugs. I have to listen to what Jehovah is teaching me. Right now it is working on getting my voice back. Being able to talk about Jehovah and all the goodness about him and the kingdom.
I tried so hard to fight Jehovah before and he showed me his power. So why would I do that again. Here I have been battling him and myself for a long time. Its just right to listen. So if you are irritated or want to say something, go ahead. I can't say I will hear but I will listen. Suprisingly that is what I did for a long time. Hear and listen. Tired of it.
So now I am just listening and hearing what my Father, Jehovah has to say to me. Putting me where he needs me to be. So I can continue to grow and finally gain my voice back. If friendships and other stuff remain, grand. If not then I am capable of dealing. Just how it has to be.
So go ahead and talk.
Today started out the way I wanted. To remain positive in the long run will be hard but I am up for the challenge. Finding the Mary who was long missing after a year of misunderstandings, will be rewarding. Not going to let someone break that person again. Tired of fighting for something, someone that doesn't need me. So I am letting all go. I have to. Its so toxic that wondering if I belong somewhere, with anyone is killing me.
The choice. It was made. I understood.
I now have learned. Thanking Jehovah for pulling me up today. Pulling me outside 4 times already. Truly remarkable to feel the real love. Truly joyful of the inner peace. A moment to cry. Indeed a good relief to finally be able to tell people how I feel deep within.
Just even if it is just words expressed here.
I was discouraged. Misunderstood.
Thought I was loyal but I was more clingy than need to be.
Hurt but I kept looking for ways to help. Only realizing I was just harming myself more.
Empty after all that took place. Not ever knowing if I would ever be real anymore.
Tired of all the hype to get a look, a glance and some words.
Just realized I can't play anymore. I can't be tossed continuously. Even in sarcastic laughter. I can't be that person you willy nilly chose on occasion. I can't.
That part hurt me. Trying to put aside the coolness. To be indifferent. I can only do that until I breakdown.
And I have several times.
Could have just once believed me. Just once.
But I learned I am needed for other things. Jehovah pulled me up and out today. I needed to be felt like I was really needed. Indeed I look forward to helping those who really want me there.
Thank you Jehovah for the start of something grand, once more.
I have tried so hard to decide where I was going only forgetting I really don't have that choice. So here I am awaiting my commands. Ready to go where I am needed. I suppose right now is focus on growing. No moves.
People always ask what is "stopping you" from going? I could say oh there is a brick wall, a thunderous loud voice or just a restraint. How though do you explain that JEHOVAH is holding you in place. Its not a negative thing. Jehovah is telling me where I need to be. If that offends you then you need to talk to him. If you think I am not growing then you have a lot yet to learn about me.
So many times I think I am ready to leap towards something else but you must realize I think in rashness. I leap and think at the same time. Unclear if I should just be thinking before the big leap. I am not too spontaneous. I know that can be rather boring for other people.
Yet I rather being boring and predictable and understand where I need to be than wandering aimlessly for the need to whack me in the head. I have been there before. I didn't like where that led me.
So right now, yes I am stationary. I am right where Jehovah needs me to be. Obviously I need to focus or refocus on some things. So if that offends you that you may be stuck with me I am not sorry. I am needed here. I can't move to another area with loose ends. Just not who I am.
As for friendships. I have kind of let them go. Right now I can't focus only helping anyone if I get lost in doing so. I learned my lesson with that. Shrugs. I have to listen to what Jehovah is teaching me. Right now it is working on getting my voice back. Being able to talk about Jehovah and all the goodness about him and the kingdom.
I tried so hard to fight Jehovah before and he showed me his power. So why would I do that again. Here I have been battling him and myself for a long time. Its just right to listen. So if you are irritated or want to say something, go ahead. I can't say I will hear but I will listen. Suprisingly that is what I did for a long time. Hear and listen. Tired of it.
So now I am just listening and hearing what my Father, Jehovah has to say to me. Putting me where he needs me to be. So I can continue to grow and finally gain my voice back. If friendships and other stuff remain, grand. If not then I am capable of dealing. Just how it has to be.
So go ahead and talk.
Today started out the way I wanted. To remain positive in the long run will be hard but I am up for the challenge. Finding the Mary who was long missing after a year of misunderstandings, will be rewarding. Not going to let someone break that person again. Tired of fighting for something, someone that doesn't need me. So I am letting all go. I have to. Its so toxic that wondering if I belong somewhere, with anyone is killing me.
The choice. It was made. I understood.
I now have learned. Thanking Jehovah for pulling me up today. Pulling me outside 4 times already. Truly remarkable to feel the real love. Truly joyful of the inner peace. A moment to cry. Indeed a good relief to finally be able to tell people how I feel deep within.
Just even if it is just words expressed here.
I was discouraged. Misunderstood.
Thought I was loyal but I was more clingy than need to be.
Hurt but I kept looking for ways to help. Only realizing I was just harming myself more.
Empty after all that took place. Not ever knowing if I would ever be real anymore.
Tired of all the hype to get a look, a glance and some words.
Just realized I can't play anymore. I can't be tossed continuously. Even in sarcastic laughter. I can't be that person you willy nilly chose on occasion. I can't.
That part hurt me. Trying to put aside the coolness. To be indifferent. I can only do that until I breakdown.
And I have several times.
Could have just once believed me. Just once.
But I learned I am needed for other things. Jehovah pulled me up and out today. I needed to be felt like I was really needed. Indeed I look forward to helping those who really want me there.
Thank you Jehovah for the start of something grand, once more.
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