Contemplating
Its been almost four years since I came into this organization and I can see why people want to leave to explore the world. To experience and gain the acceptance of their peers. I at times want to leave momentarily so I can gain some peace.
I know I have peace, joy and calm here. Yet the struggles of being who I am, here, have caused a lot of ripples inside of me. So many days I weigh the what ifs, can dos and the here goes now. So many thoughts of where I could be. How things would be different.
Yet, I would still lose you. No matter what I don't win. Shrugs. I wonder what the purpose is anyhow. The point of the larger picture. What is my role? Seriously I just want nights where I could obtain long ones in locations I enjoy with those I want to enjoy with. Not feel the insecurities I have here.
Not one to really fit in. Never really have. Always been this odd one who experiences way too much and may know way too much including details. The finer ones are always the best. Yet I don't say a word. But watch as people who misunderstand who I am twist.
I am so used to that now. Used to never really feeling comfortable in anyone's company. Well save one. Anyhow that doesn't matter. So I stand congenial to so many. Rather hard to keep hosting positive words when very few are returned.
I always am strange when I know I have issues with starting a small talk conversation. I am a more in depth person. Lets talk about things of passion or experience. This is most important. Just as much as the depth of intelligence. I don't mean book smart. I mean life, art and intrigue.
So yeah trying to just jump up and tell people about me is the hardest thing to do. Being introverted and odd is where I am comfortable. Only a handful of people really know that about me. Truly I say that is delightful.
Yes I don't always sound like the introvert but it is the fact I do care about you, your situation and I rather have a full on conversation about how you are doing and how you got there than chitchat. Still I get exhausted quickly after large crowds. Sometimes people see me disappear and go for a walk. Yes I may even go into a room and fall asleep.
I am just that type of person. So for me to finally try to fit somewhere, its truly exhausting. Being in the world I was just another weirdo crafty person. I was okay with that. Content with being me. No reason to tone down me.
Here, though, expectations are high upon my head. Maybe its time I step back and look long, hard. Re access what "here" means to me. Does it just tickle my heart, mind and spirit or is a privilege? What is my place here? Do you know?
Maybe I am just confused. Being single, only one in family in organization and at a loss of job and pay perhaps are all the possibilities that are making the world seem rather enticing at this moment. Maybe I need to understand being me is okay "here" too. Yet I have not felt it to be true. At to this opportunities given.
Clearly I still won't be obtaining what I would want entirely. At least it is time to reconsider why "here" is important. If you have words you can say. Find a way to tell me. Because I fail to see "here" as being helpful and loving.
So many obstacles. Just need to be involved and shown I am truly cared for. Sometimes just one truly big hug says it all. NO matter who is looking. No care if people correct. Sometimes the need is real and deep.
SO sure. Cautious is necessary at moments but sometimes it all needs to be thrown to the wind. Do you understand me?
I know I have peace, joy and calm here. Yet the struggles of being who I am, here, have caused a lot of ripples inside of me. So many days I weigh the what ifs, can dos and the here goes now. So many thoughts of where I could be. How things would be different.
Yet, I would still lose you. No matter what I don't win. Shrugs. I wonder what the purpose is anyhow. The point of the larger picture. What is my role? Seriously I just want nights where I could obtain long ones in locations I enjoy with those I want to enjoy with. Not feel the insecurities I have here.
Not one to really fit in. Never really have. Always been this odd one who experiences way too much and may know way too much including details. The finer ones are always the best. Yet I don't say a word. But watch as people who misunderstand who I am twist.
I am so used to that now. Used to never really feeling comfortable in anyone's company. Well save one. Anyhow that doesn't matter. So I stand congenial to so many. Rather hard to keep hosting positive words when very few are returned.
I always am strange when I know I have issues with starting a small talk conversation. I am a more in depth person. Lets talk about things of passion or experience. This is most important. Just as much as the depth of intelligence. I don't mean book smart. I mean life, art and intrigue.
So yeah trying to just jump up and tell people about me is the hardest thing to do. Being introverted and odd is where I am comfortable. Only a handful of people really know that about me. Truly I say that is delightful.
Yes I don't always sound like the introvert but it is the fact I do care about you, your situation and I rather have a full on conversation about how you are doing and how you got there than chitchat. Still I get exhausted quickly after large crowds. Sometimes people see me disappear and go for a walk. Yes I may even go into a room and fall asleep.
I am just that type of person. So for me to finally try to fit somewhere, its truly exhausting. Being in the world I was just another weirdo crafty person. I was okay with that. Content with being me. No reason to tone down me.
Here, though, expectations are high upon my head. Maybe its time I step back and look long, hard. Re access what "here" means to me. Does it just tickle my heart, mind and spirit or is a privilege? What is my place here? Do you know?
Maybe I am just confused. Being single, only one in family in organization and at a loss of job and pay perhaps are all the possibilities that are making the world seem rather enticing at this moment. Maybe I need to understand being me is okay "here" too. Yet I have not felt it to be true. At to this opportunities given.
Clearly I still won't be obtaining what I would want entirely. At least it is time to reconsider why "here" is important. If you have words you can say. Find a way to tell me. Because I fail to see "here" as being helpful and loving.
So many obstacles. Just need to be involved and shown I am truly cared for. Sometimes just one truly big hug says it all. NO matter who is looking. No care if people correct. Sometimes the need is real and deep.
SO sure. Cautious is necessary at moments but sometimes it all needs to be thrown to the wind. Do you understand me?
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