How I am when someone asks me..
Those things that you have to accept because you are a changed person. The hardest things in the world. And yet you do move. The steps are slow and they kill you in some way but you just motivate yourself in going.
Sadly you expect someone want to be there with you as your body goes forward but you find yourself doing all the motions alone. Normal almost. Whatever "normal" is. Then you find yourself thinking that there were no ways to change any one person's thinking. La the trials you tried to make that happen, probably were just vanity.
And still the need to continue to try is there. Why? Probably because you still care, you still want to walk with these people. You still want them in your lives and yet its tearing you down. But you keep going.
Because they are so important to you. You want them with you in all your steps. Even those super low and reality hitter moments all the way up to the laughter and jumping in joy moments. You WANT you NEED them in your life.
Still the moments when you crash, you expect them there to not criticize nor judge what you are feeling. You want them to just listen and not feel as though it is them that is hurting you. You want them to just genuinely ask how can I help. Though it scares you to no end that they will ask just that. Because you won't know what to respond with. Because you are scared that if what you ask for is going to be too much for them to give.
So you crash, and you crash alone. Not because the world and your friends believe its depression. In all seriousness I am not sad. I just overwhelmed with everyone else's emotions and all the situations I couldn't outright deal with. So I crash into this big crying shame. Yet no one sees the crash. No one knows unless I say something. And I can't seem to get in my mind that it is okay to break in front of people. And pray that when I do finally break names won't be called or lectures won't be given. That would just draw me back into my recluse. Not on purpose.
I always want to tell people what I am feeling. Yet it is so complex. I'd rather discuss how they are doing than even contemplate that I am human too. Then when I someone does say I noticed you are quiet or anxious I throw up a defense mechanism. Almost afraid that I will be classified somewhere and people will be reluctant to pursue a friendship with me.
I just don't even know how to explain my emotions. Being called cold hearted isn't true. I am not. I am just tired of all the crude that sits inside of me from experiences I have be projected into. I just don't know how long it takes for recovery because each one instance is overwhelming. Many would be mentally committed if they had to deal with all that I inhale.
So today, yeah I crashed. I crashed alone. I am just breathing. Pushing so much stuff out that I may just lose lots of friendships, if not all. But I can't stand the hurt, the amounts of pain. I do end up dealing with it all via music or art. But you must know, just having someone LISTEN to me without words. Just want to be there and are willing to not scold or push.
To me that is the greatest gift. And yet I cannot imagine that there are any one person who can do that. Because I will feel that I have burdened you or you may use it somewhere else down the line, rehashing it in a way by saying a Mary moment or something else. That cuts me.
So now you can get an idea why I crash so much. It isn't that I am sad and low from depressing thoughts. Its the fact I am overwhelmed with other people's situations compiled with dealing with leftover emotions I couldn't get rid of last time I crashed.
Believe me. Most of me is so happy. I just hate seeing reality. I am a hopeful romantic dreamer. So the reality sometimes bites too hard. If you dealt with what I dealt with, how would you endure?
So here I am just going to enjoy my music. Press on into the day. But would dream and pray hard that you do decide to talk to me. I understand that dreams and prayers take days, months and sometimes years. So one day, I may hear from you.
I will see if you can really try to understand me. I can't promise anything but I will try my hardest for you to have a glimpse of what goes on in my head.
Sadly you expect someone want to be there with you as your body goes forward but you find yourself doing all the motions alone. Normal almost. Whatever "normal" is. Then you find yourself thinking that there were no ways to change any one person's thinking. La the trials you tried to make that happen, probably were just vanity.
And still the need to continue to try is there. Why? Probably because you still care, you still want to walk with these people. You still want them in your lives and yet its tearing you down. But you keep going.
Because they are so important to you. You want them with you in all your steps. Even those super low and reality hitter moments all the way up to the laughter and jumping in joy moments. You WANT you NEED them in your life.
Still the moments when you crash, you expect them there to not criticize nor judge what you are feeling. You want them to just listen and not feel as though it is them that is hurting you. You want them to just genuinely ask how can I help. Though it scares you to no end that they will ask just that. Because you won't know what to respond with. Because you are scared that if what you ask for is going to be too much for them to give.
So you crash, and you crash alone. Not because the world and your friends believe its depression. In all seriousness I am not sad. I just overwhelmed with everyone else's emotions and all the situations I couldn't outright deal with. So I crash into this big crying shame. Yet no one sees the crash. No one knows unless I say something. And I can't seem to get in my mind that it is okay to break in front of people. And pray that when I do finally break names won't be called or lectures won't be given. That would just draw me back into my recluse. Not on purpose.
I always want to tell people what I am feeling. Yet it is so complex. I'd rather discuss how they are doing than even contemplate that I am human too. Then when I someone does say I noticed you are quiet or anxious I throw up a defense mechanism. Almost afraid that I will be classified somewhere and people will be reluctant to pursue a friendship with me.
I just don't even know how to explain my emotions. Being called cold hearted isn't true. I am not. I am just tired of all the crude that sits inside of me from experiences I have be projected into. I just don't know how long it takes for recovery because each one instance is overwhelming. Many would be mentally committed if they had to deal with all that I inhale.
So today, yeah I crashed. I crashed alone. I am just breathing. Pushing so much stuff out that I may just lose lots of friendships, if not all. But I can't stand the hurt, the amounts of pain. I do end up dealing with it all via music or art. But you must know, just having someone LISTEN to me without words. Just want to be there and are willing to not scold or push.
To me that is the greatest gift. And yet I cannot imagine that there are any one person who can do that. Because I will feel that I have burdened you or you may use it somewhere else down the line, rehashing it in a way by saying a Mary moment or something else. That cuts me.
So now you can get an idea why I crash so much. It isn't that I am sad and low from depressing thoughts. Its the fact I am overwhelmed with other people's situations compiled with dealing with leftover emotions I couldn't get rid of last time I crashed.
Believe me. Most of me is so happy. I just hate seeing reality. I am a hopeful romantic dreamer. So the reality sometimes bites too hard. If you dealt with what I dealt with, how would you endure?
So here I am just going to enjoy my music. Press on into the day. But would dream and pray hard that you do decide to talk to me. I understand that dreams and prayers take days, months and sometimes years. So one day, I may hear from you.
I will see if you can really try to understand me. I can't promise anything but I will try my hardest for you to have a glimpse of what goes on in my head.
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