I am good enough
Moving forward. How?
The mind laughs at me as I hear I told you so echoing straight into my core. Trying my hardest not to overthink nor get over emotional because I have no right to do that. Not now and not ever.
So I look over the last few years of my life and am singling out how stupid I have been. Just seeing I should have been more intelligent. Yet I let everything slide. That is what I am supposed to do. I keep forgiving and loving, but why?
So that the conscious is okay? I really don't know. But I have been nice. I have been quiet about a bunch of crap. I will continue to remain so. But don't you dare call me names. Don't you dare try to understand. Because even though you say you do, yeah maybe more than most, you still don't know me. Because you don't want to.
I am okay with that. I understand. But don't try to say I am something, or even say that I did something out of contentiousness because I didn't. Not even an ego trip. Nor was it even anything extreme. If you knew me then you would understand I am passionate about those in my circle. I strive to help.
Until I break. I did, apparently. So bad that I had to be labeled and you believed. And still I let that go. Now I am just walking away. I am tired of defending people, me. I am tired of trying to make people, you understand my place.
I don't give up. I won't do that. Even if I am hurting I won't give up. I just will take a rest. Look away and build me more.
I allowed myself to help, help help and just be walked on. Now I have to let that go. I have to make it known that I am focusing on me. I may be selfish but being forty one I am allowed to become all about me now. I can't help you anymore.
That is what you have wanted to hear for a long time now. I get it. Shrugs. No more strength to help carry you in places you don't want to be. I had to realize some people just want to stay stuck. Sometimes I just gotta leave them alone so they realize they are unmovable.
When I am needed I will hear. Yet will I be able to help you then? I don't know. But I will try.
And then even now you may say I am the one that needs help. No. I may be at a humiliating low moment in my secular work or living in poverty but I am content. I can deal with whatever assaults me here, because I HAVE LIVED here most of my life.
I wanted the extreme. I wanted to be the brave one to help you. I wanted to stick to you like glue. Probably the worst thing I could ever do. I learned though, to separate myself. Let you mold and grow. Yet to stand back while the mistakes were made, that was hard. Yet I let them be made, I even let people blame me. Just to see where I would be placed in your life.
I have learned. I seek. I will always search. And am I aiming for any pain or targeting any one person? No. I keep going.
If you knew me well enough you would have known by now the very life I live could be given to save you. Just who I am. Take it or leave it. Just who I am. Fragile at times. Private to many. Secretly inquisitive and always looking for the brighter light in the saddest, worst moments in life.
I don't know what is to be said. I just have to tell you that I am selfish. Not noisy or conceited. Not even egotistical or arrogant. I just strive to remain close to who I am. I thought that was good enough but now I realize its too much for you.
So this is how I have to jump forward. Realizing my boundaries. My worth. May never be right for you but it is me. I am good enough.
The mind laughs at me as I hear I told you so echoing straight into my core. Trying my hardest not to overthink nor get over emotional because I have no right to do that. Not now and not ever.
So I look over the last few years of my life and am singling out how stupid I have been. Just seeing I should have been more intelligent. Yet I let everything slide. That is what I am supposed to do. I keep forgiving and loving, but why?
So that the conscious is okay? I really don't know. But I have been nice. I have been quiet about a bunch of crap. I will continue to remain so. But don't you dare call me names. Don't you dare try to understand. Because even though you say you do, yeah maybe more than most, you still don't know me. Because you don't want to.
I am okay with that. I understand. But don't try to say I am something, or even say that I did something out of contentiousness because I didn't. Not even an ego trip. Nor was it even anything extreme. If you knew me then you would understand I am passionate about those in my circle. I strive to help.
Until I break. I did, apparently. So bad that I had to be labeled and you believed. And still I let that go. Now I am just walking away. I am tired of defending people, me. I am tired of trying to make people, you understand my place.
I don't give up. I won't do that. Even if I am hurting I won't give up. I just will take a rest. Look away and build me more.
I allowed myself to help, help help and just be walked on. Now I have to let that go. I have to make it known that I am focusing on me. I may be selfish but being forty one I am allowed to become all about me now. I can't help you anymore.
That is what you have wanted to hear for a long time now. I get it. Shrugs. No more strength to help carry you in places you don't want to be. I had to realize some people just want to stay stuck. Sometimes I just gotta leave them alone so they realize they are unmovable.
When I am needed I will hear. Yet will I be able to help you then? I don't know. But I will try.
And then even now you may say I am the one that needs help. No. I may be at a humiliating low moment in my secular work or living in poverty but I am content. I can deal with whatever assaults me here, because I HAVE LIVED here most of my life.
I wanted the extreme. I wanted to be the brave one to help you. I wanted to stick to you like glue. Probably the worst thing I could ever do. I learned though, to separate myself. Let you mold and grow. Yet to stand back while the mistakes were made, that was hard. Yet I let them be made, I even let people blame me. Just to see where I would be placed in your life.
I have learned. I seek. I will always search. And am I aiming for any pain or targeting any one person? No. I keep going.
If you knew me well enough you would have known by now the very life I live could be given to save you. Just who I am. Take it or leave it. Just who I am. Fragile at times. Private to many. Secretly inquisitive and always looking for the brighter light in the saddest, worst moments in life.
I don't know what is to be said. I just have to tell you that I am selfish. Not noisy or conceited. Not even egotistical or arrogant. I just strive to remain close to who I am. I thought that was good enough but now I realize its too much for you.
So this is how I have to jump forward. Realizing my boundaries. My worth. May never be right for you but it is me. I am good enough.
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