I won't know
No sleep now. Just awake and can't tell my head to shut up. Striving hard to not let the tears hurt, sting. Definitely just want to scream. Maybe I need to walk. But where, at 1 am?
So many words to say and yet I have to learn to be quiet. Suppress the anger or just let come off.
No way to let the eyes be tired. I know my soul is but the mind cannot shut off. Part of me just say to forget. Don't let stupid stuff kill you. Yet how can I not?
I like my hard skin from the world. I miss it. I liked being heartless or cold. It made me "feel" less. And now all I do is feel. Drives me so nuts.
And why? Because I care way to freaking much. I want that removed! NOW!
I wanted so badly to be a priority. Yet who am I kidding. I am an afterthought or a drunken thought. Did you not notice? The reality is there. I get tired of having to "beg" for attention. You know how degrading that is? Do you? Last time I looked I was real. Last time I noticed I have feelings.
And I am mad because you helped me develop my feelings. Why? Why care enough to help me open up only to slam the door on my face, later?
Yes I wish I was part of the world. Maybe I would be noticed. Better yet actually wanted. Ha. Cynical sarcasm. I hide so well.
Rarely do I explain or try to expand on any more parts of me. If I do I might get them used against me. Even more so, maybe some will use what they can to benefit them. Do I really want that? Did I want to be repeatedly raped? Seriously? That is what it feels like.
But what really matters to you, anyhow. I am just a psychotic woman anyways. Well at least that is what you say a lot. I might as well let you believe that. Maybe it just helps you justify the actions you give.
I don't know. But I do know that yeah some days I am crazy. But did you, would you understand why? Would you even want to know? Seriously? If I really gave you the whole bit of honest. No I rather guess you would walk away, better yet RUN.
Whatever you do now, I really won't know. I will only know if you go out of your way to find a way to talk to me. I really won't know. I would not know how you could talk. What would you say? Call me a name or ask a question that causes conflict? I really wont know.
So many words to say and yet I have to learn to be quiet. Suppress the anger or just let come off.
No way to let the eyes be tired. I know my soul is but the mind cannot shut off. Part of me just say to forget. Don't let stupid stuff kill you. Yet how can I not?
I like my hard skin from the world. I miss it. I liked being heartless or cold. It made me "feel" less. And now all I do is feel. Drives me so nuts.
And why? Because I care way to freaking much. I want that removed! NOW!
I wanted so badly to be a priority. Yet who am I kidding. I am an afterthought or a drunken thought. Did you not notice? The reality is there. I get tired of having to "beg" for attention. You know how degrading that is? Do you? Last time I looked I was real. Last time I noticed I have feelings.
And I am mad because you helped me develop my feelings. Why? Why care enough to help me open up only to slam the door on my face, later?
Yes I wish I was part of the world. Maybe I would be noticed. Better yet actually wanted. Ha. Cynical sarcasm. I hide so well.
Rarely do I explain or try to expand on any more parts of me. If I do I might get them used against me. Even more so, maybe some will use what they can to benefit them. Do I really want that? Did I want to be repeatedly raped? Seriously? That is what it feels like.
But what really matters to you, anyhow. I am just a psychotic woman anyways. Well at least that is what you say a lot. I might as well let you believe that. Maybe it just helps you justify the actions you give.
I don't know. But I do know that yeah some days I am crazy. But did you, would you understand why? Would you even want to know? Seriously? If I really gave you the whole bit of honest. No I rather guess you would walk away, better yet RUN.
Whatever you do now, I really won't know. I will only know if you go out of your way to find a way to talk to me. I really won't know. I would not know how you could talk. What would you say? Call me a name or ask a question that causes conflict? I really wont know.
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