Tonight no courage
In the long run I played my part well. I was observant and pleasant. Even though I was struggling. I smiled. I did my job well. Giving people the hugs they needed and the gifts of joy.
Now I am ready to let go of the pain in my head, my ear. I just sigh because I brought whatever I am experiencing at this moment, on myself. Displaying anger, anguish and disappointment when I should have be joyous that nothing serious has been thrown at me.
Yes asides from the career loss, I know Jehovah carries his children in turbulent times. I have seen his miracles and holy spirit through all that kept me going. And still keeps coming.
So no matter how much I want to rip apart people in and out of my life I just need to destress. Relax and forbid myself to allow any bitterness to soak into my system.
The songs tonight were uplifting. The people try to be encouraging. Still striving to gain my voice back, to just raise my hand again. Not feel inferior to all those who have made excellent comments. Not let what I may comment on feel less than that of an average person. Not to chide myself into believing that only children can make simple comments.
Truly a trial I face every time I sit down for a meeting. Sitting alone even harder. But I do it. I make the effort to make eye contact with people I want to sit with but then I get all shy and back off. Praying that I gain enough courage. Still I feel weird.
Always weird. Always. Accepted.
Onwards I just have to keep encouraging myself just as much as I do all the young ones. I am so shy, so nervous and always jumpy. And yet I am so proud of the young ones making grand comments. I just will have to start small. One comment. One or two sentences. Direct.
I seek someone who wants to help challenge me. Just someone that says okay I will hope you raise your hand. Don't be scared in feeling that its wrong or not the complete answer. Just say something and feel good about it.
Tonight I was almost ready to leave. The only thing keeping me there tonight was the hope to talk to a few people. And I didn't get to. I left quickly and very quietly. I didn't stay behind to make jokes with people. I just didn't feel the necessity to drag out an already long day into explaining my long face to people.
Maybe that is why no one really knows about me. Ah. I am going to just be silent. The fingers are going to just keep typing but the chiding of myself I am going to shut down.
So if you feel compelled to say something, do so. Maybe I can hear your words. I hope.
Now I am ready to let go of the pain in my head, my ear. I just sigh because I brought whatever I am experiencing at this moment, on myself. Displaying anger, anguish and disappointment when I should have be joyous that nothing serious has been thrown at me.
Yes asides from the career loss, I know Jehovah carries his children in turbulent times. I have seen his miracles and holy spirit through all that kept me going. And still keeps coming.
So no matter how much I want to rip apart people in and out of my life I just need to destress. Relax and forbid myself to allow any bitterness to soak into my system.
The songs tonight were uplifting. The people try to be encouraging. Still striving to gain my voice back, to just raise my hand again. Not feel inferior to all those who have made excellent comments. Not let what I may comment on feel less than that of an average person. Not to chide myself into believing that only children can make simple comments.
Truly a trial I face every time I sit down for a meeting. Sitting alone even harder. But I do it. I make the effort to make eye contact with people I want to sit with but then I get all shy and back off. Praying that I gain enough courage. Still I feel weird.
Always weird. Always. Accepted.
Onwards I just have to keep encouraging myself just as much as I do all the young ones. I am so shy, so nervous and always jumpy. And yet I am so proud of the young ones making grand comments. I just will have to start small. One comment. One or two sentences. Direct.
I seek someone who wants to help challenge me. Just someone that says okay I will hope you raise your hand. Don't be scared in feeling that its wrong or not the complete answer. Just say something and feel good about it.
Tonight I was almost ready to leave. The only thing keeping me there tonight was the hope to talk to a few people. And I didn't get to. I left quickly and very quietly. I didn't stay behind to make jokes with people. I just didn't feel the necessity to drag out an already long day into explaining my long face to people.
Maybe that is why no one really knows about me. Ah. I am going to just be silent. The fingers are going to just keep typing but the chiding of myself I am going to shut down.
So if you feel compelled to say something, do so. Maybe I can hear your words. I hope.
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