Intensity of my day and fog
Last few days I have been in a major fog. I can function yet the only reason I have been going is the prayers that have been answered. Small ones. Best defeats I have been given.
All it takes is the peace enough to sleep. The strength enough to walk and maintain a pace so work can be done. The patience with those who say oh you look okay and can't you just get rid of you problem. Ha. I have so many times wanted to say something but I have learn patience and not to display anger.
Besides showing anger actually depletes my energy so why waste good energy on silly things.
Today has been a major oddness. The sensitivity experienced is almost unreal. The lava burning inside of me is so mind blowing that I am not even sure how to explain the trials I have to escape. Yet I don't complain, too much.
Strive to maintain some sort of composure. All in hopes I don't sound like I am complaining. Ah to complain about this intensity irritates me more than the ignorance of some people about the invisible qualities of an illness.
So right now all I am in is a small jumping joy moment. The times where I have energy. All I hope is for enough strength to be able to sit outside. I won't push myself for a nice walk because I will be back in bed for a few more days.
So even though I have been wanting to be friendly with those I love the only comfort is sitting up and being in deep sleep. Ah to be covered up is a horrible experience and yet I shake with coldness. No. No fever. Just this intense discomfort.
At times like these I just want to have that induced coma so I can become well enough. Never really have to explain nor cry over the extreme experiences. To see the days disappearing into a cloud of unknown just to not sit in pain. Nor having to look pitiful and lost because of not wanting people to be upset when I tell them please don't touch me.
I am just tired of this crude. I want my life back.
And still I keep moving. All in hopes that one day I step and people actually see the level of intensity I experience and actually want to help. Not saying the disapprove of me now. Its just the exact understanding what I am enduring is real.
Ah. The complete understanding that I strive so hard to forgo the pain. No amounts of tylenol, advil, aspirin nor essential oils can abate in my pursuits of pain release. Just trying to place the feeling, the lava burning, outside of me is just too much.
Yet I must say I don't strive to make people feel pity for me. I am not here for that. I am here to help them learn and understand. That is all I can do with my experiences. I hope big.
And still the days go on. Foggy and odd. Ready for the new steps in paradise without pain. I look forward to that.
All it takes is the peace enough to sleep. The strength enough to walk and maintain a pace so work can be done. The patience with those who say oh you look okay and can't you just get rid of you problem. Ha. I have so many times wanted to say something but I have learn patience and not to display anger.
Besides showing anger actually depletes my energy so why waste good energy on silly things.
Today has been a major oddness. The sensitivity experienced is almost unreal. The lava burning inside of me is so mind blowing that I am not even sure how to explain the trials I have to escape. Yet I don't complain, too much.
Strive to maintain some sort of composure. All in hopes I don't sound like I am complaining. Ah to complain about this intensity irritates me more than the ignorance of some people about the invisible qualities of an illness.
So right now all I am in is a small jumping joy moment. The times where I have energy. All I hope is for enough strength to be able to sit outside. I won't push myself for a nice walk because I will be back in bed for a few more days.
So even though I have been wanting to be friendly with those I love the only comfort is sitting up and being in deep sleep. Ah to be covered up is a horrible experience and yet I shake with coldness. No. No fever. Just this intense discomfort.
At times like these I just want to have that induced coma so I can become well enough. Never really have to explain nor cry over the extreme experiences. To see the days disappearing into a cloud of unknown just to not sit in pain. Nor having to look pitiful and lost because of not wanting people to be upset when I tell them please don't touch me.
I am just tired of this crude. I want my life back.
And still I keep moving. All in hopes that one day I step and people actually see the level of intensity I experience and actually want to help. Not saying the disapprove of me now. Its just the exact understanding what I am enduring is real.
Ah. The complete understanding that I strive so hard to forgo the pain. No amounts of tylenol, advil, aspirin nor essential oils can abate in my pursuits of pain release. Just trying to place the feeling, the lava burning, outside of me is just too much.
Yet I must say I don't strive to make people feel pity for me. I am not here for that. I am here to help them learn and understand. That is all I can do with my experiences. I hope big.
And still the days go on. Foggy and odd. Ready for the new steps in paradise without pain. I look forward to that.
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