Grateful in the modes I have
I found what I have to have. I had to look hard. Still so many things I needed to press back into my mind. All the memories that I have lost. All the ones that flash back and forth on cards. Just so many things that I really did lose. I had to gain back on my own.
And here I thought support is supposed to be encouraging. Ha. I seek it so hard. I guess the eyes were searching in all the wrong places. Probably because of comfort. No need to do that.
Repeatedly I am reminded that I am not quite right on my memories and still rattling out of focus. Its a hard task to take on but I admit lots of changes were there. They were already in the makings long ago. Yet I can't recall all of the past. Nor do I want to.
I thought that what was there was strong enough for me to build from and still so many cases I was wrong. Its funny how you strive to regain the positive things but all you can find are the road blocks. So much I have lost. I am placed in this weird place. Not even sure where I go at times. Not even clear if I should wander that way.
Sooner than not I realize just how off and odd I am to people. I am so tired of trying to explain my feelings and not getting anywhere. All I know is that I am willing to always forgive. Though some things come back up. Its only because that is what the mind recalls as a past. Its not too far back.
I barely remember two years ago. So call me jealous if you want, crazy, but in truth that just may be the terms I am permeating at the moment. I'd hate to lose what feels as though a long time. Yet I am not clear if length is anything to do with friendships.
I don't mean to sound off. Some always ask how I am feeling. Then all I can say is okay or fine. Truthfully I don't know what I am feeling. I am just getting the day gone. Hoping that each minute counts but you never know.
If it isn't written down somewhere several times, it must not be important.
So I may seem strange. And I was before it all happened, as people keep saying. Yet did you not know me? Perhaps not.
Today with all that has been upon me I am surprised that the week prior didn't knock me out the rat race altogether. That the eerie ways I have been didn't find me in a shallow grave. Indeed I picked myself up. Realizing that there will be years of working on me. Years.
So I am not sorry for upsetting your routines. I am not going to apologize for making you want to stop being my friend, at times.The way I see it, temporary hurt. It just adds to all the other emotions I can't grasp. No way is there for me to be mad at anyone.
When the realization is that I love everyone. Only problem I have is that there are disappointments because I have low expectations for each day. So to let them attack me, well all I can say is that I am okay with caring too much, loving too much. For when I stop all is washed from me. I won't think, talk nor inquire on well being.
So each day, I gradually gain permanent memories, either through dreams or just making them. No excuses. I plainly just don't want to let go of the remaining things, people I had before. So to build again is tiring, but I do it. It is just a hope that in some cases I don't have to wonder. I don't have to be questioning whether or not I am a part of anyone person's life. I just don't want that to be a thought on my mind every morn.
Possibly the last strand of a rope, did I let it go? Did my hands become tired? I really won't know until I wake up. Boy am I grateful for waking up.
All I am going to say is yes I am different from before, because I don't remember what I was before. At times I have spurts where I cry endlessly but I can't recall why, just the need to do so. And I am constantly striving to cling onto anything or anyone that is tangible to who I liked before. Just the genuine level of emotion people give to me.
All else I am unclear on. Just hopes that the days become more and more certain. Never really clear that all my memories behind me are going to come a knocking. In some cases it is a good thing.
So friend of mine. That is what life is for me. If I am jealous, moody or cranky in a moment just recall I am struggling to remember something that was important from the past. Also I am striving to cling to people who meant something to me before. So I can hope that they remain. And the days where I am numb or aloof those are the days I am soaking it all in. I am organizing the memories and making peace with them. Then the days where I am joyous and happy - maybe even silent- are those days I have found calmness and am ready for more positive jolts throughout the day.
Granted not all my modes are accounted for but these are the ones noticed more than necessary. I am just striving for you to understand. My mind is jumbled. There is a mass need of rearranging and overhaul of setting things back in order. That I even realize moment to moment I am different. So don't ask me what is going on. I can't explain it to you. I can't expect you to even understand what is going on. Too weird at times and then not enough to say.
Just how I am these days.
And here I thought support is supposed to be encouraging. Ha. I seek it so hard. I guess the eyes were searching in all the wrong places. Probably because of comfort. No need to do that.
Repeatedly I am reminded that I am not quite right on my memories and still rattling out of focus. Its a hard task to take on but I admit lots of changes were there. They were already in the makings long ago. Yet I can't recall all of the past. Nor do I want to.
I thought that what was there was strong enough for me to build from and still so many cases I was wrong. Its funny how you strive to regain the positive things but all you can find are the road blocks. So much I have lost. I am placed in this weird place. Not even sure where I go at times. Not even clear if I should wander that way.
Sooner than not I realize just how off and odd I am to people. I am so tired of trying to explain my feelings and not getting anywhere. All I know is that I am willing to always forgive. Though some things come back up. Its only because that is what the mind recalls as a past. Its not too far back.
I barely remember two years ago. So call me jealous if you want, crazy, but in truth that just may be the terms I am permeating at the moment. I'd hate to lose what feels as though a long time. Yet I am not clear if length is anything to do with friendships.
I don't mean to sound off. Some always ask how I am feeling. Then all I can say is okay or fine. Truthfully I don't know what I am feeling. I am just getting the day gone. Hoping that each minute counts but you never know.
If it isn't written down somewhere several times, it must not be important.
So I may seem strange. And I was before it all happened, as people keep saying. Yet did you not know me? Perhaps not.
Today with all that has been upon me I am surprised that the week prior didn't knock me out the rat race altogether. That the eerie ways I have been didn't find me in a shallow grave. Indeed I picked myself up. Realizing that there will be years of working on me. Years.
So I am not sorry for upsetting your routines. I am not going to apologize for making you want to stop being my friend, at times.The way I see it, temporary hurt. It just adds to all the other emotions I can't grasp. No way is there for me to be mad at anyone.
When the realization is that I love everyone. Only problem I have is that there are disappointments because I have low expectations for each day. So to let them attack me, well all I can say is that I am okay with caring too much, loving too much. For when I stop all is washed from me. I won't think, talk nor inquire on well being.
So each day, I gradually gain permanent memories, either through dreams or just making them. No excuses. I plainly just don't want to let go of the remaining things, people I had before. So to build again is tiring, but I do it. It is just a hope that in some cases I don't have to wonder. I don't have to be questioning whether or not I am a part of anyone person's life. I just don't want that to be a thought on my mind every morn.
Possibly the last strand of a rope, did I let it go? Did my hands become tired? I really won't know until I wake up. Boy am I grateful for waking up.
All I am going to say is yes I am different from before, because I don't remember what I was before. At times I have spurts where I cry endlessly but I can't recall why, just the need to do so. And I am constantly striving to cling onto anything or anyone that is tangible to who I liked before. Just the genuine level of emotion people give to me.
All else I am unclear on. Just hopes that the days become more and more certain. Never really clear that all my memories behind me are going to come a knocking. In some cases it is a good thing.
So friend of mine. That is what life is for me. If I am jealous, moody or cranky in a moment just recall I am struggling to remember something that was important from the past. Also I am striving to cling to people who meant something to me before. So I can hope that they remain. And the days where I am numb or aloof those are the days I am soaking it all in. I am organizing the memories and making peace with them. Then the days where I am joyous and happy - maybe even silent- are those days I have found calmness and am ready for more positive jolts throughout the day.
Granted not all my modes are accounted for but these are the ones noticed more than necessary. I am just striving for you to understand. My mind is jumbled. There is a mass need of rearranging and overhaul of setting things back in order. That I even realize moment to moment I am different. So don't ask me what is going on. I can't explain it to you. I can't expect you to even understand what is going on. Too weird at times and then not enough to say.
Just how I am these days.
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