Sometimes my words are different
I don't even bother to say anymore my anger. I don't even bother to tell anyone how I really feel. Just the easiest thing to say is "okay" and "fine". Sometimes all I want to do is just cry into someone shoulder but I don't.
That part of me that can't show that kind of weakness. If I have cried in your presence that is saying a lot. I obviously at one point of my life let down that guard and just exploded. And yet I hold so much back. Not intentionally. I just don't want to be labelled. I can only imagine how much more distant people would hold me if I was this type of person.
You see all my life I have been surviving. From day one inside my mother's womb. I was not a wanted child. Yet I held on. All the things that were tried to discard me I still clung. Then birth I was so tiny. I still thrived. So many parts of my life would have been devistating to so many, to point of psych ward potential, but I am still here. I survived.
You see I continue to thrive. No matter the assaults that are laid upon me, no matter the hatred I still am here, standing. Only I can explain that it is Jehovah.
All those times I tried to lose the pain. Place it somewhere else. Cutting. Only could have been one reason that I continued to hang on. In the world people say, oh God has a need for you. I say Jehovah saved me all those times because I needed to find the truth in him. I needed to know him.
So yeah I am strong. And I am weak. I love too much and way too hard. I am overbearing and overprotective. I am shy but I am powerful. I am passionate about so many things.
But. But. But to explain my pain, my emotions and my scars. No that is hard. When I open up to you I hope that you understand the levels I took to unlock those parts about me.
Still I stare and wonder why I broke open for some people. To feel empathy and emotional and not to ask anything in return. Because that is who I am. I trust.
Maybe that is why I am so weary of opening now. I just let the anger, the emotional downpour and the tears fall inside my blue porcelain walls. I give my words, my heart to Jehovah. Hoping that the calm and peace helps me maintain my strength.
Maintain being a survivor and a pillar. So pardon me if I seem to always want to talk yet no words exit. Maybe I want to say something but just don't want to be labelled.
Part of the strong wall built inside of me. The courage I have endured. The patience I have found and the strength I continue to pray for.
I sometimes just want a million questions asked so I can answer them. To finally expose what is harming me. Question is though is anyone willing to take on that task.
That part of me that can't show that kind of weakness. If I have cried in your presence that is saying a lot. I obviously at one point of my life let down that guard and just exploded. And yet I hold so much back. Not intentionally. I just don't want to be labelled. I can only imagine how much more distant people would hold me if I was this type of person.
You see all my life I have been surviving. From day one inside my mother's womb. I was not a wanted child. Yet I held on. All the things that were tried to discard me I still clung. Then birth I was so tiny. I still thrived. So many parts of my life would have been devistating to so many, to point of psych ward potential, but I am still here. I survived.
You see I continue to thrive. No matter the assaults that are laid upon me, no matter the hatred I still am here, standing. Only I can explain that it is Jehovah.
All those times I tried to lose the pain. Place it somewhere else. Cutting. Only could have been one reason that I continued to hang on. In the world people say, oh God has a need for you. I say Jehovah saved me all those times because I needed to find the truth in him. I needed to know him.
So yeah I am strong. And I am weak. I love too much and way too hard. I am overbearing and overprotective. I am shy but I am powerful. I am passionate about so many things.
But. But. But to explain my pain, my emotions and my scars. No that is hard. When I open up to you I hope that you understand the levels I took to unlock those parts about me.
Still I stare and wonder why I broke open for some people. To feel empathy and emotional and not to ask anything in return. Because that is who I am. I trust.
Maybe that is why I am so weary of opening now. I just let the anger, the emotional downpour and the tears fall inside my blue porcelain walls. I give my words, my heart to Jehovah. Hoping that the calm and peace helps me maintain my strength.
Maintain being a survivor and a pillar. So pardon me if I seem to always want to talk yet no words exit. Maybe I want to say something but just don't want to be labelled.
Part of the strong wall built inside of me. The courage I have endured. The patience I have found and the strength I continue to pray for.
I sometimes just want a million questions asked so I can answer them. To finally expose what is harming me. Question is though is anyone willing to take on that task.
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