Searching in the boxes of memories
I was sorting through some of the files in my head today. Trying the best to recall bits and pieces of life before the car accident. Its funny how some things are up close and personal and some are just so far away. Tracking over the days of September and October. I don't remember much.
Just that of doctor visits. Constant and steady. I also remember people via pictures. Granted I see most of these people daily. Sometimes trying to recall the significance of them in my life. Just parts are scratched. I don't recall much.
I have all the doctor visits, the tests and the variety of possible diagnosis given. Just not clear on whether I got the answers. Many parts are puzzled. Still I go search in miles of paperwork just to locate one shred of evidence. Even finding the paperwork is hard because so much of me is scattered and the notes are filed in various places.
Today I found lots of information that made no sense. In fact just caused confusion and a major migraine to appear. All worth it just to have a moment to find something behind the blackened door. I found many pieces that could have caused great stress on me.
Finally holding the answers in my mind, on paper just has helped release some things. Truly amazing how wanting to clear the mind and attaining sleep can let you gain some information that has been locked away. So much is still yet to find.
All I can say is that I am grateful of the results shown. Thanking Jehovah for helping me find the boxes in my mind, opening them so I can understand bits and pieces of who I was before the accident. Every day is this weird climb upon a hill. The means of screaming "freedom" when I get there is extravagant.
Truly I can see how people held me back. Saw that I wasn't right. If they only knew half of what I was pressed with they too would have been very grateful for an erase. Yeah its an erase. Only way I really recall many things is through the people I see daily. The gut feelings I get with being with them. I know that some of the "feelings" are protection.
Seriously every day is a good one, in its own way. I may be up down, weird and emotional but still its a good day. How so? I am breathing today. I am living. I know lots of me was erased. Lots of my emotions and experiences with people were scattered. Every day is one more day that I get to learn about how to grow again.
Still there are days I struggle to just remember some things. I just want the instant memory recalled. Realizing time is what it takes, if the memory comes back. Just so tired some days of searching. Irritated that I don't get all the answers. Then I become silent. Not sure how to express myself except through art. Or a grand hug.
Some times that is all I need from people. Sometimes even the sayings of all will be okay. Give it time and all will be remembered. Yet is that even a wise thing to hope for? I don't know. I just hope that people see I am different. I did change. Maybe for good or odder. Still I am me. That has to be enough.
Just that of doctor visits. Constant and steady. I also remember people via pictures. Granted I see most of these people daily. Sometimes trying to recall the significance of them in my life. Just parts are scratched. I don't recall much.
I have all the doctor visits, the tests and the variety of possible diagnosis given. Just not clear on whether I got the answers. Many parts are puzzled. Still I go search in miles of paperwork just to locate one shred of evidence. Even finding the paperwork is hard because so much of me is scattered and the notes are filed in various places.
Today I found lots of information that made no sense. In fact just caused confusion and a major migraine to appear. All worth it just to have a moment to find something behind the blackened door. I found many pieces that could have caused great stress on me.
Finally holding the answers in my mind, on paper just has helped release some things. Truly amazing how wanting to clear the mind and attaining sleep can let you gain some information that has been locked away. So much is still yet to find.
All I can say is that I am grateful of the results shown. Thanking Jehovah for helping me find the boxes in my mind, opening them so I can understand bits and pieces of who I was before the accident. Every day is this weird climb upon a hill. The means of screaming "freedom" when I get there is extravagant.
Truly I can see how people held me back. Saw that I wasn't right. If they only knew half of what I was pressed with they too would have been very grateful for an erase. Yeah its an erase. Only way I really recall many things is through the people I see daily. The gut feelings I get with being with them. I know that some of the "feelings" are protection.
Seriously every day is a good one, in its own way. I may be up down, weird and emotional but still its a good day. How so? I am breathing today. I am living. I know lots of me was erased. Lots of my emotions and experiences with people were scattered. Every day is one more day that I get to learn about how to grow again.
Still there are days I struggle to just remember some things. I just want the instant memory recalled. Realizing time is what it takes, if the memory comes back. Just so tired some days of searching. Irritated that I don't get all the answers. Then I become silent. Not sure how to express myself except through art. Or a grand hug.
Some times that is all I need from people. Sometimes even the sayings of all will be okay. Give it time and all will be remembered. Yet is that even a wise thing to hope for? I don't know. I just hope that people see I am different. I did change. Maybe for good or odder. Still I am me. That has to be enough.
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