Lack of
Haven't eaten much in days. Really no desire. Yet I dream in color and of wonderful fruits. A variation of love and disappointment. Its funny how that all works out in the end. Like of old the sweat lodges and the fasting in meditation.
The hope of clearing the soul of toxins and increasing the vibrancy of the spirit. So many times in the last year or so I have had to realize I cannot do that anymore. I can't sit on the balcony and just allow the cold nights to warm me as I meditate in long sessions. Breathing and exhaling all that assaults my sense.
To walk away from all that was me and wash away all that I had been taught has been pretty rough. Even more so is that I am ostracized for what I do now. By those who I thought would support me. A truly rude awakening and slap in the face.
Granted though, now, some of those who tuned me out now are passed. I don't hold it against them. I really never have. I knew I was not what they wanted for family. I understood my place was outside the warmth. I got used to it. I learned to adapt.
Still some of the teachings as a childhood have rung stinging memories back into my head. The simple ways of eliminating all that upsets me. I have to find new ways to erase, new people to let into my circle. Very dangerous indeed. The one I want to listen does, to a certain aspect. Still holds a kind of judgment of me, maybe not to my face or at my words but in their mind. I know that. Hence why I only give half of the issue into their mind. So I don't disturb too much of their sense of calm, peace especially around me.
To watch someone break from what information I give, or to have them respond I am not sure if that is really what I am prepared for. I am unclear if I want them to respond at all. I just know that I want to be a part of their lives and I want to even push to a higher importance but I know I can't do that. I can't make people want to be my friend much less tell me that I am above other things, situations nor people in their lives. I have to learn that it is okay.
Still the hope of hunger to come back and find supreme calm just as I used to under the pressures of fasting, enlightening. Truly to understand that being me is okay even if I don't ever really fit anywhere. Some people run. Some people take walks. Some people exercise. Some people write. Some people talk to other people. Some people scream. I just listen to music and take long walks. If anyone asks me depth digging questions or says they want to know, I may be compelled to explain parts of what are at issue.
Still lots of me want to explain everything, all the way down to the last detail. Yet I hesitate because that is usually the breaking point. I don't want to be the cause of that, nor that of the distance I could get from explaining it. Much more is losing the friendship over it.
Just not worth explaining all the troubles and anger. Nor that of the frustration and anxious ways that strum through my head. Least of all is the fact of being ignored or held at arms length because the stereotyping of emotional or crazy.
Just not worth the risk. Rather just not say a word and let the tears, the sunshine and the music find my mind at the full serene environment. Indeed.
I kind of miss being able to soothe all of me with inhales and exhales and focus. Truly a remarkable experience.
So maybe the hope stress emptied. Somewhere. Not too much in any one person's mind, or lap. I would not want judgment given in thought nor voiced. So I remain quiet.
The hope of clearing the soul of toxins and increasing the vibrancy of the spirit. So many times in the last year or so I have had to realize I cannot do that anymore. I can't sit on the balcony and just allow the cold nights to warm me as I meditate in long sessions. Breathing and exhaling all that assaults my sense.
To walk away from all that was me and wash away all that I had been taught has been pretty rough. Even more so is that I am ostracized for what I do now. By those who I thought would support me. A truly rude awakening and slap in the face.
Granted though, now, some of those who tuned me out now are passed. I don't hold it against them. I really never have. I knew I was not what they wanted for family. I understood my place was outside the warmth. I got used to it. I learned to adapt.
Still some of the teachings as a childhood have rung stinging memories back into my head. The simple ways of eliminating all that upsets me. I have to find new ways to erase, new people to let into my circle. Very dangerous indeed. The one I want to listen does, to a certain aspect. Still holds a kind of judgment of me, maybe not to my face or at my words but in their mind. I know that. Hence why I only give half of the issue into their mind. So I don't disturb too much of their sense of calm, peace especially around me.
To watch someone break from what information I give, or to have them respond I am not sure if that is really what I am prepared for. I am unclear if I want them to respond at all. I just know that I want to be a part of their lives and I want to even push to a higher importance but I know I can't do that. I can't make people want to be my friend much less tell me that I am above other things, situations nor people in their lives. I have to learn that it is okay.
Still the hope of hunger to come back and find supreme calm just as I used to under the pressures of fasting, enlightening. Truly to understand that being me is okay even if I don't ever really fit anywhere. Some people run. Some people take walks. Some people exercise. Some people write. Some people talk to other people. Some people scream. I just listen to music and take long walks. If anyone asks me depth digging questions or says they want to know, I may be compelled to explain parts of what are at issue.
Still lots of me want to explain everything, all the way down to the last detail. Yet I hesitate because that is usually the breaking point. I don't want to be the cause of that, nor that of the distance I could get from explaining it. Much more is losing the friendship over it.
Just not worth explaining all the troubles and anger. Nor that of the frustration and anxious ways that strum through my head. Least of all is the fact of being ignored or held at arms length because the stereotyping of emotional or crazy.
Just not worth the risk. Rather just not say a word and let the tears, the sunshine and the music find my mind at the full serene environment. Indeed.
I kind of miss being able to soothe all of me with inhales and exhales and focus. Truly a remarkable experience.
So maybe the hope stress emptied. Somewhere. Not too much in any one person's mind, or lap. I would not want judgment given in thought nor voiced. So I remain quiet.
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