A shiver, a glimpse
The softest of sighs fall out of my lips. Finding hope inside the thoughts that roll in my mind. Such a grandness as I lightly laugh. Sometimes I just want to tell so many people about me and then I halt. What if it harms me? What if they open me too far and I fall too wide? Would that really be a bad thing?
Some days I say no. Most other days I just revert back to times of childhood. Crushing myself further and further into the shadows. Praying I am not seen. Leaning into the closet just as the storm hits the whole house. I tremble but am thankful I am not part of the raging storm. Not tonight. Just my sister.
Sadly I shake my head to clear those sounds of crunching bones and loud claps of hand against skin.
I sigh once more. So grateful I hid so many times. Only listened.
Though I did experience the rage several times.
Now. I shiver as the chill from the open window makes me shut my eyes. I rock just a little bit only to erase the boxes. Clear my head of the memories. Just for a while longer.
I sit here inside my room, looking around at the familiar sights of wedgwood blue and heavy dovetail drawers. Just placing myself where warmth can hold me. Halting the images I gave to many to see. Halting the curious questions laying and waiting for me.
I just am open and then shut so fast. No wonder so many people don't know what to make of me. No wonder I confuse so many people. Shock them too with my memories, my experiences in life. No it was not a grand life. Yes there were difficulties but I must say though, I did survive for a reason.
Can't understand what that is but I am grateful for the safety I was in. Granted at most points in my life I have had to learn the hard way. They were experiences, life lessons. Nothing I would want to put on anyone. None of my baggage I would ever want someone to open. Just for fear that would scare them away.
I do fear that just a little. Just the fact that I am an introverted weird one. The complexity of me is enough to have even me crazy so I am sure I would have a few people in volumes of defined insanity because of those bits of baggage. To wrap or warp their minds around it all. I would not want the blame of that.
So here I am striving to give as little as I can and praying for those who pry or question to know more do not become distant from me. For I have already experienced that enough for a lifetime. Thank you.
Some days I say no. Most other days I just revert back to times of childhood. Crushing myself further and further into the shadows. Praying I am not seen. Leaning into the closet just as the storm hits the whole house. I tremble but am thankful I am not part of the raging storm. Not tonight. Just my sister.
Sadly I shake my head to clear those sounds of crunching bones and loud claps of hand against skin.
I sigh once more. So grateful I hid so many times. Only listened.
Though I did experience the rage several times.
Now. I shiver as the chill from the open window makes me shut my eyes. I rock just a little bit only to erase the boxes. Clear my head of the memories. Just for a while longer.
I sit here inside my room, looking around at the familiar sights of wedgwood blue and heavy dovetail drawers. Just placing myself where warmth can hold me. Halting the images I gave to many to see. Halting the curious questions laying and waiting for me.
I just am open and then shut so fast. No wonder so many people don't know what to make of me. No wonder I confuse so many people. Shock them too with my memories, my experiences in life. No it was not a grand life. Yes there were difficulties but I must say though, I did survive for a reason.
Can't understand what that is but I am grateful for the safety I was in. Granted at most points in my life I have had to learn the hard way. They were experiences, life lessons. Nothing I would want to put on anyone. None of my baggage I would ever want someone to open. Just for fear that would scare them away.
I do fear that just a little. Just the fact that I am an introverted weird one. The complexity of me is enough to have even me crazy so I am sure I would have a few people in volumes of defined insanity because of those bits of baggage. To wrap or warp their minds around it all. I would not want the blame of that.
So here I am striving to give as little as I can and praying for those who pry or question to know more do not become distant from me. For I have already experienced that enough for a lifetime. Thank you.
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