Randomness
Ever just sit and stare out a darkened wall? Just want to talk to someone but trying something new. I never wanted to be someone's obligation. The thing that people have to say hello to. For that matter have a "routine" in say it.
Some days I want a random, out the blue text that says all about you and the emotions I give. La. Just thoughts. I wanted to remain always being a person that got random stuff. No not necessarily cards and flowers but letters and spontaneous gestures.
Perhaps I am too much of a romantic. Too old fashioned. I kind of lost the whole part of surprises. Never really got them in life. And when people were generous enough to surprise me with anything I remained shocked for a while. Just the sincerity in the thought is what made me hold onto the shock, hope and joy.
Stupid, probably, but that is what I miss the most. Besides regular conversations about just anything. Not strained words here and there. And here I am the obligation. Only gain the mornings because I write. No longer the hellos at random times or the small gestures. I have realized reality of the big picture has slapped me.
Oh well. The slow responses. The "busy" times. I get now. I used to be first or second and now just an afterthought. And yes it hurts but I keep still, quiet. I want to be the choice.
Still I don't push. I certainly don't beg. I just live. I stand tall in the breaking wind. And my strength keeps me moving.
So now I just show I understand because I do. I play the part of unaffected and sturdy but its a lie. I am affected and weak. Although I do really comprehend. I have seen the cycles.
And here I am absorbing the day in slits. Watching the wind and feeling the chill. Its a good rude awakening. All I ever wanted was to be a choice.
Some days I want a random, out the blue text that says all about you and the emotions I give. La. Just thoughts. I wanted to remain always being a person that got random stuff. No not necessarily cards and flowers but letters and spontaneous gestures.
Perhaps I am too much of a romantic. Too old fashioned. I kind of lost the whole part of surprises. Never really got them in life. And when people were generous enough to surprise me with anything I remained shocked for a while. Just the sincerity in the thought is what made me hold onto the shock, hope and joy.
Stupid, probably, but that is what I miss the most. Besides regular conversations about just anything. Not strained words here and there. And here I am the obligation. Only gain the mornings because I write. No longer the hellos at random times or the small gestures. I have realized reality of the big picture has slapped me.
Oh well. The slow responses. The "busy" times. I get now. I used to be first or second and now just an afterthought. And yes it hurts but I keep still, quiet. I want to be the choice.
Still I don't push. I certainly don't beg. I just live. I stand tall in the breaking wind. And my strength keeps me moving.
So now I just show I understand because I do. I play the part of unaffected and sturdy but its a lie. I am affected and weak. Although I do really comprehend. I have seen the cycles.
And here I am absorbing the day in slits. Watching the wind and feeling the chill. Its a good rude awakening. All I ever wanted was to be a choice.
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