Ready to disappear
No motivation. Just lingering in life. No charge to go nor one to stay. The restless inside of me is jumping all over the place. The need to get out and go somewhere I am not known. To feel free to be me. To let all go and be peaceful inside. Quiet.
Silenced in this world. Society barred and emptied into the streets. My spirit is aching.
I don't know how to express the emotions I am feeling. I can say that disappointment of self and others are big riders. I also know that life's quirks are riding on the hairs and the loss of some sort of love is hiding underside of the horse. Truly I can say that my mind and heart are all jumbled. Quite a mess. So tangled that there is no unraveling in sight nor in distance.
Hence the need to escape. The desperate attempts to let go and be all that is expected and dreamed of. Yet what is expected? I know I never really fit in anywhere. And when there is a crowd of people gathered I am usually in the center with circles around me, talking but not to me or I am standing outside the crowds looking for one person to talk to. Yet just one person seems million miles away.
If there is anyone to talk to.
How does this happen? How do we become completely neutralized? Just standing quietly in expectation of someone to talk to. Though I have noticed people talk only in spurts. No real depth to the conversation. No wonder I look away, forming the bored or oblivious looks.
Then to try to gain a full conversation I have to be careful who I speak too. Why is this so wrong? Why can't I talk to those who interest me? Why does it have to be those on a list? Why does the speech have to be of generalized chitchat? This longing for in depth words, meanings. Indeed I am confused.
Here I sit just staring out the window, glancing over my watchtower once more. Still not getting deep into it. For it seems that I am lacking the comprehension. The focus of anything but taking the walk in the mountains, dancing on the beach and absorbing life with friends. The rare few I have left.
Just want to be elsewhere. Looking positive that being anonymous is doable. How about you? Feel you need a ticket with me but not with me. Just to the location to get soaked in. Then later down the road find each other to compare life? Do you? Because I am packed and ready. Ready to disappear.
Silenced in this world. Society barred and emptied into the streets. My spirit is aching.
I don't know how to express the emotions I am feeling. I can say that disappointment of self and others are big riders. I also know that life's quirks are riding on the hairs and the loss of some sort of love is hiding underside of the horse. Truly I can say that my mind and heart are all jumbled. Quite a mess. So tangled that there is no unraveling in sight nor in distance.
Hence the need to escape. The desperate attempts to let go and be all that is expected and dreamed of. Yet what is expected? I know I never really fit in anywhere. And when there is a crowd of people gathered I am usually in the center with circles around me, talking but not to me or I am standing outside the crowds looking for one person to talk to. Yet just one person seems million miles away.
If there is anyone to talk to.
How does this happen? How do we become completely neutralized? Just standing quietly in expectation of someone to talk to. Though I have noticed people talk only in spurts. No real depth to the conversation. No wonder I look away, forming the bored or oblivious looks.
Then to try to gain a full conversation I have to be careful who I speak too. Why is this so wrong? Why can't I talk to those who interest me? Why does it have to be those on a list? Why does the speech have to be of generalized chitchat? This longing for in depth words, meanings. Indeed I am confused.
Here I sit just staring out the window, glancing over my watchtower once more. Still not getting deep into it. For it seems that I am lacking the comprehension. The focus of anything but taking the walk in the mountains, dancing on the beach and absorbing life with friends. The rare few I have left.
Just want to be elsewhere. Looking positive that being anonymous is doable. How about you? Feel you need a ticket with me but not with me. Just to the location to get soaked in. Then later down the road find each other to compare life? Do you? Because I am packed and ready. Ready to disappear.
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