Boundaries, barriers and walls

I feel as though when I put up my barriers someone becomes defensive. As though I was wrong to have boundaries or say no to their pressings. Even worse are those who become nasty in the categories of saying I am cold hearted for ignoring people and their ways.

But did anyone ever really look down the road and around the path I had walked several times. Placing markers so others could be careful, nah. I am just insane in the fact that I care too much.

So I care too much and I bleed too much when I let people in who take and take and take. Not really giving back when they should. Oh dare me for wanting to place a door in their way. Dare me for thinking I am allowed space from harm.

Yet I dare you to strive to understand my bit in the lives of others. Not just seeing or hearing what you want to hear. Look deeper. Seek the real notes. Maybe you will begin to see that life was not always peaches and cream. Sometimes it was poison and belladonna.

Yet I begin all brand new. It is necessary to continue. What is best, more is that I love all even more. Even when the rage is against me. I understand the rolling of pain that is screaming at me.

Even more so is that I linger on a hope. Praying that the memories of actions are placed where love overrules them. That my spirit doesn't hide behind terror of words. Nor does my weakness for all get exploited the way it has.

For me it has always been simple. Just build a barrier. Create this wall. It has always helped me see the imperfections in the world. Observing where I can.

So much of me empties the layers of harm. I let the monstrosity of life and words battle against me so I can learn to adapt to the newness of the lesson. Yes my layers or walls build to tighten the skin. Only a way to become less and less disturbed by things. The thicker, rough outer parts of me are cold.

I admit being cold to several. Yet in many cases had you experienced what I had, maybe you too, would have built your wall. Built your barrier up higher.

And yes there are many things about me that I must work on. One day at a time the layers peel away. The bricks become that red clay putty again. Until then I accept how I am seen by many. I have to deal with that. And if it means I gain names or recommendations from others, so be it.

I rather have boundaries, barriers and walls than be broken and bleeding.

So that has to be good enough. It has to be where I am seen. If not I know my place in lives of people. I can understand I am not welcome in rooms of some. Accepted. Learned. And happy to understand.