Waking thoughts
Waking to the exact moment and not too long. Since my soul matches my mind I prepare for a day of work. Oh not hard work just that of learning.
Yet it is a slow process. Today I am just allowing the breeze to hold me. Just letting the day unfold before me. No rush to get the work done.
It has been a full four days since the announcement and I feel like a totally different person. No expectations of me except that to be thankful for my breath and to enjoy the day.
Perhaps that is not what people expected me to be but I have gone through a lot in seven years. And been grateful for the ups and downs but I didn't even begin to live.
I am a woman who learned of her childhood. Even went as far to tell people of my past, only to find out that it can be used against me. My childhood was hateful in most of the years.
Yet there were moments when I smiled.
I held that facade for so many people, so many years. And now I have learned to embrace who I am.
One who no one can trample. To trust in people will be hard. I spent many years giving myself to the wrong people. Tried so hard to fit in and yet I only got exploited again.
What benefit do I have from that? All I can say is that I really am unclear whether my place is there. Yet I keep searching.
It was funny, yesterday I was able to educate 4 people on who Jehovah's Witnesses are and why easter is paganism.
Perhaps the most defining moment is when my boss asked.
Yet the oddity is now I am able to have that moment of real zeal after years of not feeling it.
Yet I don't know if where they are is the right place for me. I sit here, happy. Just peaceful in my state of confusion. The simple joy of being able to make the day mine.
Selfish and even childish but I am a woman who can be both. I am not ashamed of me. I am a bit of my past but it is who I am. I have learned to adjust who I am to fit all the disgusting pieces.
Yet nothing inside me breaks. It's surefire endurance. I note that my shoes are not the same as others and by far I don't want to judge. Though if people are fake to me I will know it.
I have learned that many people twist stories and even steal lifelines of others to gain the much needed attention. For me, I walk away. I can't abide by people like that.
So yeah I can be cold hearted only because people insinuate I have no clue and am shallow. Ah yet you have no understanding of me.
So this morning I give a shout put to all those who thought I was stupid, naive and shallow. Even those who thought I was cold hearted. Perhaps you never knew me because for me to show my cold heart it was because I was tired of all the details, the lies and the feeling uncomfortable knowing that people change when they speak. Their action says one thing but their words don't match.
Yes I stand here looking out at the breeze, thankful I got away from those who can harm, break and slowly kill you from the inside. Narcissistic behaviors. So sure I was cold hearted but that is my protection from people like you, her.
And I am happy for the results because now I see I was only the tip of of the iceberg. Yet the blame of the sinking.
Alas I have learned much. Scarred a little but not dead. I live on. Growing to learn who this strong woman is to be.
Just Mary.
Who you will never know.
Yet it is a slow process. Today I am just allowing the breeze to hold me. Just letting the day unfold before me. No rush to get the work done.
It has been a full four days since the announcement and I feel like a totally different person. No expectations of me except that to be thankful for my breath and to enjoy the day.
Perhaps that is not what people expected me to be but I have gone through a lot in seven years. And been grateful for the ups and downs but I didn't even begin to live.
I am a woman who learned of her childhood. Even went as far to tell people of my past, only to find out that it can be used against me. My childhood was hateful in most of the years.
Yet there were moments when I smiled.
I held that facade for so many people, so many years. And now I have learned to embrace who I am.
One who no one can trample. To trust in people will be hard. I spent many years giving myself to the wrong people. Tried so hard to fit in and yet I only got exploited again.
What benefit do I have from that? All I can say is that I really am unclear whether my place is there. Yet I keep searching.
It was funny, yesterday I was able to educate 4 people on who Jehovah's Witnesses are and why easter is paganism.
Perhaps the most defining moment is when my boss asked.
Yet the oddity is now I am able to have that moment of real zeal after years of not feeling it.
Yet I don't know if where they are is the right place for me. I sit here, happy. Just peaceful in my state of confusion. The simple joy of being able to make the day mine.
Selfish and even childish but I am a woman who can be both. I am not ashamed of me. I am a bit of my past but it is who I am. I have learned to adjust who I am to fit all the disgusting pieces.
Yet nothing inside me breaks. It's surefire endurance. I note that my shoes are not the same as others and by far I don't want to judge. Though if people are fake to me I will know it.
I have learned that many people twist stories and even steal lifelines of others to gain the much needed attention. For me, I walk away. I can't abide by people like that.
So yeah I can be cold hearted only because people insinuate I have no clue and am shallow. Ah yet you have no understanding of me.
So this morning I give a shout put to all those who thought I was stupid, naive and shallow. Even those who thought I was cold hearted. Perhaps you never knew me because for me to show my cold heart it was because I was tired of all the details, the lies and the feeling uncomfortable knowing that people change when they speak. Their action says one thing but their words don't match.
Yes I stand here looking out at the breeze, thankful I got away from those who can harm, break and slowly kill you from the inside. Narcissistic behaviors. So sure I was cold hearted but that is my protection from people like you, her.
And I am happy for the results because now I see I was only the tip of of the iceberg. Yet the blame of the sinking.
Alas I have learned much. Scarred a little but not dead. I live on. Growing to learn who this strong woman is to be.
Just Mary.
Who you will never know.
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