No longer do I wonder
Here I sit in a new location for a few days. Loving the people I meet. They are all fun and exciting. At times I am very quiet and a bore to them but I can hear them sensing the I am nervous. Not quite anxious but just ready to take new steps.
Always the scare a bit because of the new faces, all the new names to learn but eventually the mind is settled and life carries on. As I always should have.
I let life and my decisions lead me to areas that I thought were good, encouraging but I have come to understand that nothing was real in those places, with people. So much was empty. So much of me was gone. And I allowed myself to go silent.
It is funny how I had hoped when I escaped one relationship that I was not going to lean into another like it. Yet I fell. I loved so hard. Accepting what was given, as only the allowances to had. I was okay with getting whatever was given even if it was a one sided dream.
And dream it was. I understand that. I didn't even look into reality to think of the impossibilities. I just took what I could have. I was fine with that. Until I wasn't. Until I could just look away.
Then I just became jealous and nasty. But that was my protection to me. I know that now. I was protecting me and my dream. Yet that was it. I had become so inverted into the dream that reality was caving in and I didn't even notice nor care.
That is until it slammed down upon me. I looked away. I even accepted so many things in my life. I was going on fine with my place. I could lean into where I was and then another constant slamming.
Part of the reason why I am here today. I don't need that constant slap. That constant harassment that I got. Even got to the point where life was easier erasing all parts of me including my favorite places to go.
Looking into myself and seeing that sure I was a big pushover. Sure I loved with all was left of my heart. And then I crashed.
Realizing that I would never be just the right fit. Even continued on when the games were twisted and regulated. Then to find out that it was commands given by another person. Ah how wicked. Yet I continued to maintain a hope.
Daringly I continued.
Yet today I realize I am good, grand and supreme to those around me. It took a while and rude awakening to see that I am truly becoming the person I should have been in the beginning.
Now too set in my ways to let anyone bully me. I have had enough of that in 2 years to last me a lifetime. And yet I did have a lifetime of bullying. Still I am holding on.
So yeah I was surrounded by new people. Enjoy new associations and began to expand. Looking like a real woman who is emerging as a swan verses the ugly duckling.
Sure I still have moments where I ravish myself over the love I had for some. Sure I feel confident that no one will ever compare. Yet I know this redhead meant something once. As I see all changing to be such. So I just hope nothing ever backfires on you.
I hope all those runs that play in your mind, stay there and don't destroy you later.
Sure I also wish peace for you. Even though I was torn and still regurgitate the experience every now and then, I am capable of saying thank you.
Life now carries me on. I am building up new hopes and dreams. One day I can finally talk about it without anger, jealousy and sadness. Then I will be completely oblivious of what happens to you. It will be good.
So soon.
I made grand associations here today. More to come. Contacts rolling in my emails and phone. It is good to finally have more that work and family in my phone once more. Yet no attachments. Thank goodness, hopefully never.
Tomorrow more findings. Then a journey home. It has been good. Slightly I smile as goosebumps find me and chills roll over me. Ah. Good it is to finally feel free at last.
Always the scare a bit because of the new faces, all the new names to learn but eventually the mind is settled and life carries on. As I always should have.
I let life and my decisions lead me to areas that I thought were good, encouraging but I have come to understand that nothing was real in those places, with people. So much was empty. So much of me was gone. And I allowed myself to go silent.
It is funny how I had hoped when I escaped one relationship that I was not going to lean into another like it. Yet I fell. I loved so hard. Accepting what was given, as only the allowances to had. I was okay with getting whatever was given even if it was a one sided dream.
And dream it was. I understand that. I didn't even look into reality to think of the impossibilities. I just took what I could have. I was fine with that. Until I wasn't. Until I could just look away.
Then I just became jealous and nasty. But that was my protection to me. I know that now. I was protecting me and my dream. Yet that was it. I had become so inverted into the dream that reality was caving in and I didn't even notice nor care.
That is until it slammed down upon me. I looked away. I even accepted so many things in my life. I was going on fine with my place. I could lean into where I was and then another constant slamming.
Part of the reason why I am here today. I don't need that constant slap. That constant harassment that I got. Even got to the point where life was easier erasing all parts of me including my favorite places to go.
Looking into myself and seeing that sure I was a big pushover. Sure I loved with all was left of my heart. And then I crashed.
Realizing that I would never be just the right fit. Even continued on when the games were twisted and regulated. Then to find out that it was commands given by another person. Ah how wicked. Yet I continued to maintain a hope.
Daringly I continued.
Yet today I realize I am good, grand and supreme to those around me. It took a while and rude awakening to see that I am truly becoming the person I should have been in the beginning.
Now too set in my ways to let anyone bully me. I have had enough of that in 2 years to last me a lifetime. And yet I did have a lifetime of bullying. Still I am holding on.
So yeah I was surrounded by new people. Enjoy new associations and began to expand. Looking like a real woman who is emerging as a swan verses the ugly duckling.
Sure I still have moments where I ravish myself over the love I had for some. Sure I feel confident that no one will ever compare. Yet I know this redhead meant something once. As I see all changing to be such. So I just hope nothing ever backfires on you.
I hope all those runs that play in your mind, stay there and don't destroy you later.
Sure I also wish peace for you. Even though I was torn and still regurgitate the experience every now and then, I am capable of saying thank you.
Life now carries me on. I am building up new hopes and dreams. One day I can finally talk about it without anger, jealousy and sadness. Then I will be completely oblivious of what happens to you. It will be good.
So soon.
I made grand associations here today. More to come. Contacts rolling in my emails and phone. It is good to finally have more that work and family in my phone once more. Yet no attachments. Thank goodness, hopefully never.
Tomorrow more findings. Then a journey home. It has been good. Slightly I smile as goosebumps find me and chills roll over me. Ah. Good it is to finally feel free at last.
Comments
Post a Comment