Park Meditation
Seated with my legs propped up in the windshield enjoying the harsh rays of sun hitting the soles of my feet. A nice cool breeze wafting through the car. Seated in a half shady area.
Nice local park. No need for the walk today. One tomorrow. So many changes happened over this weekend and I am excited for the movement. Being placed in motionless state is Earth shattering and spirit depression.
The life of you gets swallowed up and then you fall so hard to the ground you break every part of you. I am grateful for the motion.
Seems careless but it is what I needed. Soon too much will be announced and a HUGE sigh of relief will come. No more "pretending" to be alright. I no longer have to explain to people. It will just be announced and the precautions will reign. Yet I started almost a month ago, eliminating people.
I didn't feel it was right to keep pretending I didn't know the status of my own situation. It was me lying to people. So my start was saying good bye to several people. Even the very stubborn ones.
I had a few clinging still this morning but I had to explain I would never grow or learn to miss people if they kept hanging on.
My decisions to move forward was the day I said goodbye. My only objections were that of when I was told I would be sole blame for breaking up people. To this day it is something hard to swallow but that is where I have to understand I was always meant to be the downfall so freedom could be achieved.
Surprisingly I accepted that until someone came along and explained their time with you. That just raped me over, made me so angry. At that moment I understood the depth of you needing freedom more than anything. And I was still willing to take blame. There was no need for her contact.
To this day I feel nothing for her. You can hate me for that. Yet understand that I understood why you went to her. Even more so I grasped so many other aspects.
Then I had to start healing. I had to forgive everyone for their assumptions of me. I had to realize that it is possible to forgive and even forget. Yet the one thing I am not sure I can do yet, is love you all.
I have learned much sitting in the warm car, meditating over things. I have learned that it will take a long time before I can ever be satisfied to be a loving person to all of you.
One day.
So now leaning into the shade a bit more I prepare my mind for some soft breezes. So I linger long enough to put shoes back on and crank the music up. Feeling the clearing of one more piece of healing.
Soon I will be healed. But right now I am just have one lasting view of this park. Then head off home.
Nice local park. No need for the walk today. One tomorrow. So many changes happened over this weekend and I am excited for the movement. Being placed in motionless state is Earth shattering and spirit depression.
The life of you gets swallowed up and then you fall so hard to the ground you break every part of you. I am grateful for the motion.
Seems careless but it is what I needed. Soon too much will be announced and a HUGE sigh of relief will come. No more "pretending" to be alright. I no longer have to explain to people. It will just be announced and the precautions will reign. Yet I started almost a month ago, eliminating people.
I didn't feel it was right to keep pretending I didn't know the status of my own situation. It was me lying to people. So my start was saying good bye to several people. Even the very stubborn ones.
I had a few clinging still this morning but I had to explain I would never grow or learn to miss people if they kept hanging on.
My decisions to move forward was the day I said goodbye. My only objections were that of when I was told I would be sole blame for breaking up people. To this day it is something hard to swallow but that is where I have to understand I was always meant to be the downfall so freedom could be achieved.
Surprisingly I accepted that until someone came along and explained their time with you. That just raped me over, made me so angry. At that moment I understood the depth of you needing freedom more than anything. And I was still willing to take blame. There was no need for her contact.
To this day I feel nothing for her. You can hate me for that. Yet understand that I understood why you went to her. Even more so I grasped so many other aspects.
Then I had to start healing. I had to forgive everyone for their assumptions of me. I had to realize that it is possible to forgive and even forget. Yet the one thing I am not sure I can do yet, is love you all.
I have learned much sitting in the warm car, meditating over things. I have learned that it will take a long time before I can ever be satisfied to be a loving person to all of you.
One day.
So now leaning into the shade a bit more I prepare my mind for some soft breezes. So I linger long enough to put shoes back on and crank the music up. Feeling the clearing of one more piece of healing.
Soon I will be healed. But right now I am just have one lasting view of this park. Then head off home.
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