Those easy and hard moments
The easiest part was admitting I did wrong. The hard part is letting go of the hurt that people give from a situation. That is something I have to work on with Jehovah.
Something that may take a while. Even the possibility of loving those people that hurt me, ah ha I say no to that. For now.
And for good reason. I have forgiven but the pain is still raw. Even though I am at peace inside from everything. If it were possible to explain the contradiction all this speaks of, grand.
I can't claim to understand the complexity of my emotions nor do I ever want to explain them to anyone but Jehovah. I have come to learn no one can be trusted enough with any information I give them because it is shredded and tossed back at me in severities.
Paled by the lack of friendships and rules given. That I never really want to make new friends for opportunity that someone else will destroy me.
Oh yes parts of me still rage and I put it here and in my art. I have to. Nothing is gained by a personal vendetta. I see no reason to pretend I have that kind of power.
So to think I would lower myself to be someone like my past, well think again. I have some standards. Sadly I didn't listen to all of them. I just reasoned too much. And I got whacked for it.
A lesson you always learn from hindsight only hoping that you apply it deep within yourself.
Yet here I am sitting outside the Kingdom Hall waiting to gain my entrance enough to absorb what Jehovah needs me to hear. Hopefully it is something that I can place into my life right now.
For certain I do need to see what is left of me here. For sure I cannot study at the moment. I need the announcement and so I can finally adjust. Once and for all.
One day I will come back. Lots of people will be waiting but I hope I have found the conviction I need, that nothing can tear me from Jehovah's table. I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
As for now I don't have that feeling. And I won't have it for a while.
Something that may take a while. Even the possibility of loving those people that hurt me, ah ha I say no to that. For now.
And for good reason. I have forgiven but the pain is still raw. Even though I am at peace inside from everything. If it were possible to explain the contradiction all this speaks of, grand.
I can't claim to understand the complexity of my emotions nor do I ever want to explain them to anyone but Jehovah. I have come to learn no one can be trusted enough with any information I give them because it is shredded and tossed back at me in severities.
Paled by the lack of friendships and rules given. That I never really want to make new friends for opportunity that someone else will destroy me.
Oh yes parts of me still rage and I put it here and in my art. I have to. Nothing is gained by a personal vendetta. I see no reason to pretend I have that kind of power.
So to think I would lower myself to be someone like my past, well think again. I have some standards. Sadly I didn't listen to all of them. I just reasoned too much. And I got whacked for it.
A lesson you always learn from hindsight only hoping that you apply it deep within yourself.
Yet here I am sitting outside the Kingdom Hall waiting to gain my entrance enough to absorb what Jehovah needs me to hear. Hopefully it is something that I can place into my life right now.
For certain I do need to see what is left of me here. For sure I cannot study at the moment. I need the announcement and so I can finally adjust. Once and for all.
One day I will come back. Lots of people will be waiting but I hope I have found the conviction I need, that nothing can tear me from Jehovah's table. I mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
As for now I don't have that feeling. And I won't have it for a while.
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