I thought
I kept thinking today was going to be hard but I never laughed so much in seven years than I did today. The rolls and peals of course chuckling turning into bright smiling depth, just amazing how when you finally let go of everything the freedom to be who you should have been finally settles into place.
This wonderful feel. I thought with having only my mother to talk to was going to be a challenge. Yet I find myself talking to Jehovah more and more. Even in those moments I am correcting myself. Not to chide or dislike all those who have used their knowledge of me.
I have tried to remain silent in the major distrust of people yet the need to voice it becomes stronger and stronger. This is when I find myself talking to Jehovah. Only to recall I, too, was willing in certain aspects. Not all. Just some.
Even more so I find myself wondering why I didn't let go. Then I say it is all hindsight. Soon it will be a reflection in the rear view mirror. This glare that I can redirect so my eyes, heart don't hurt anymore.
Always see myself as learning. So this is just another distasteful banquet I attended. And still did I learn anything from it? Absolutely.
The sad part is the retraining my heart and mind to love again. I think that will be the biggest challenge. Even more so is the value of trust and respect. I don't know how that is even possible anymore.
I thought today would be a hard day, yet it is more of a reflecting day. Sure some parts are disturbing. Those moments you give yourself to people only to find them using the information to bite and cut you so deep.
Yet. Still. I pick up what is left of me and I learn to reset my life. Sewing back everything I can salvage. Even more so is the attempt and possible success in finding a new me.
Still. I sigh and I have to reach inside of me. Talking to Jehovah in how to grow and build a new foundation. Alas it is always going to be hard, first steps. Yet I know how to go and do fresh places. New starts and different circumstances.
The difference in me and others is that I ALWAYS bounce back. Stronger.
Partially why I am not in a rush. I will follow through when I am ready.
Still I do contemplate much in my heated discussions with Jehovah. Who says he doesn't hear me? My thoughts are not my own. So I will not lean upon my own understanding because that would be listening to thensure most treacherous part of me.
I can really afford to "listen to my heart". I did that for too long and look where it got me.
Broken.
So sure I am grateful for the experience but I pray I never step back on this dirty road. For all it reminds me of is the lackluster of people. Their need of too much and destroying others.
Yes I understand I played my part, willingly. Yet only to a certain extent. The part where I was thrown under a bus for others, well that is where it ends.
I am a real woman. Those that survive and don't wallow in self pity because of trash. Nor remain seated with the trash. Have you never noticed how well I maintain myself in the most disturbing moments?
Ah yes, no you would never have, for to have that note is to have known me. Unfortunately I wasn't enough, but a label good and well.
Still, I have much groundwork to do. Many ways I need to reestablish who I am and what my meaning is to Jehovah. For I get I was used for this moment.
I can endure this, just as I did before. Yet next time I come back I won't be near anyone here. I will be where I am wanted. Not tossed in the trash.
Nor used.
I will be working with Jehovah on my corrections. So yeah I sit here thinking over the day. At this time the only thing that upsets me the most is I never really meant anything to you except I was a means for your end.
That makes me tremble for I thought surely I meant more. A fool.
Always a fool for believing I was anything more than your excuse of dirt on your backside.
Yet. Still. I admit my place. I took what I asked for. And I now no longer search for it in anyone.
Never again do I want to feel like that. Torn. Broken. Tossed. Labelled.
I was real.
Today I thought things would be harder. Yet it wasn't. It was a healing day.
This wonderful feel. I thought with having only my mother to talk to was going to be a challenge. Yet I find myself talking to Jehovah more and more. Even in those moments I am correcting myself. Not to chide or dislike all those who have used their knowledge of me.
I have tried to remain silent in the major distrust of people yet the need to voice it becomes stronger and stronger. This is when I find myself talking to Jehovah. Only to recall I, too, was willing in certain aspects. Not all. Just some.
Even more so I find myself wondering why I didn't let go. Then I say it is all hindsight. Soon it will be a reflection in the rear view mirror. This glare that I can redirect so my eyes, heart don't hurt anymore.
Always see myself as learning. So this is just another distasteful banquet I attended. And still did I learn anything from it? Absolutely.
The sad part is the retraining my heart and mind to love again. I think that will be the biggest challenge. Even more so is the value of trust and respect. I don't know how that is even possible anymore.
I thought today would be a hard day, yet it is more of a reflecting day. Sure some parts are disturbing. Those moments you give yourself to people only to find them using the information to bite and cut you so deep.
Yet. Still. I pick up what is left of me and I learn to reset my life. Sewing back everything I can salvage. Even more so is the attempt and possible success in finding a new me.
Still. I sigh and I have to reach inside of me. Talking to Jehovah in how to grow and build a new foundation. Alas it is always going to be hard, first steps. Yet I know how to go and do fresh places. New starts and different circumstances.
The difference in me and others is that I ALWAYS bounce back. Stronger.
Partially why I am not in a rush. I will follow through when I am ready.
Still I do contemplate much in my heated discussions with Jehovah. Who says he doesn't hear me? My thoughts are not my own. So I will not lean upon my own understanding because that would be listening to thensure most treacherous part of me.
I can really afford to "listen to my heart". I did that for too long and look where it got me.
Broken.
So sure I am grateful for the experience but I pray I never step back on this dirty road. For all it reminds me of is the lackluster of people. Their need of too much and destroying others.
Yes I understand I played my part, willingly. Yet only to a certain extent. The part where I was thrown under a bus for others, well that is where it ends.
I am a real woman. Those that survive and don't wallow in self pity because of trash. Nor remain seated with the trash. Have you never noticed how well I maintain myself in the most disturbing moments?
Ah yes, no you would never have, for to have that note is to have known me. Unfortunately I wasn't enough, but a label good and well.
Still, I have much groundwork to do. Many ways I need to reestablish who I am and what my meaning is to Jehovah. For I get I was used for this moment.
I can endure this, just as I did before. Yet next time I come back I won't be near anyone here. I will be where I am wanted. Not tossed in the trash.
Nor used.
I will be working with Jehovah on my corrections. So yeah I sit here thinking over the day. At this time the only thing that upsets me the most is I never really meant anything to you except I was a means for your end.
That makes me tremble for I thought surely I meant more. A fool.
Always a fool for believing I was anything more than your excuse of dirt on your backside.
Yet. Still. I admit my place. I took what I asked for. And I now no longer search for it in anyone.
Never again do I want to feel like that. Torn. Broken. Tossed. Labelled.
I was real.
Today I thought things would be harder. Yet it wasn't. It was a healing day.
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