My car ride
I sit here relaxing for the first time today. Much was done in this day but more to the calming of nature. Sure a country girl can dress like city but still craves country.
Hence why the drive into the back roads of the Carolinas put peace back into my heart. The only weight was that of carrying concern about others involved in my situation and how life without protection, how their lives will be.
Yet I didn't dwell long for that would make me start to dislike them and not feel the pity. So I just allowed the scenery to absorb me.
Ponds. Old homes. Textures of flowers. The creeks and rocks. I just let it make me feel as though I was as a child. Fun. Free.
The torture I had was the discussion with my mom about my sister. Ah an endless cycle with her. Oh you just had your differences.
No no mom. Kate hurt me bad. My last straw and true reveal of her colors was when I was pregnant with my son.
No no I have no differences. I have no feelings of love for her. And haven't for decades.
Then explaining how ruthless she was.
I shut down completely. I don't and didn't discuss it. How do you explain what truth is about a dead loved one? How?
Let. It. Go.
And so I ended discussion and walked away. No more loving sisterly fights. No. Deadly. Walking away battered.
Then to tell my mom I would never explain it. Never.
So here I sit in my room trying to softened my mood. Trying to keep that peaceful outlook. Even though anger sits upon my shoulder about my mom never getting me. EVER!
I just had to walk away from her.
Sighing as I scroll over the memories of ponds, wildflowers, old buildings, creeks and landscapes. Soothing me until the desire to rest falls upon my eyes, my soul.
A perfect fix for the anger. Meditation until sleep overcomes. Then a small nap. Oh how it will refresh.
Kindness.
Indeed. Relaxation before tonight. A pause before the jolt. The smile I hold strong. Lingering inside my mind and heart.
I only want freedom, peace and love to circle. It's good to hope, yes? Friend.
Hence why the drive into the back roads of the Carolinas put peace back into my heart. The only weight was that of carrying concern about others involved in my situation and how life without protection, how their lives will be.
Yet I didn't dwell long for that would make me start to dislike them and not feel the pity. So I just allowed the scenery to absorb me.
Ponds. Old homes. Textures of flowers. The creeks and rocks. I just let it make me feel as though I was as a child. Fun. Free.
The torture I had was the discussion with my mom about my sister. Ah an endless cycle with her. Oh you just had your differences.
No no mom. Kate hurt me bad. My last straw and true reveal of her colors was when I was pregnant with my son.
No no I have no differences. I have no feelings of love for her. And haven't for decades.
Then explaining how ruthless she was.
I shut down completely. I don't and didn't discuss it. How do you explain what truth is about a dead loved one? How?
Let. It. Go.
And so I ended discussion and walked away. No more loving sisterly fights. No. Deadly. Walking away battered.
Then to tell my mom I would never explain it. Never.
So here I sit in my room trying to softened my mood. Trying to keep that peaceful outlook. Even though anger sits upon my shoulder about my mom never getting me. EVER!
I just had to walk away from her.
Sighing as I scroll over the memories of ponds, wildflowers, old buildings, creeks and landscapes. Soothing me until the desire to rest falls upon my eyes, my soul.
A perfect fix for the anger. Meditation until sleep overcomes. Then a small nap. Oh how it will refresh.
Kindness.
Indeed. Relaxation before tonight. A pause before the jolt. The smile I hold strong. Lingering inside my mind and heart.
I only want freedom, peace and love to circle. It's good to hope, yes? Friend.
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