Still too early

And still to my delay I get here too early. Seating myself in the parking lot until a determined time.

This lateness will eat away at me and end up making me not want to go anymore. That is something I am afraid of. Yet it is something I have to build.

Be prepared to say sorry you can't talk to me. One by one people will soon learn to leave me be. And let me grow.

This I have to learn. Grow patient with. And still already I sit in my car and get horrible snide looks. Amazing.

To realize none really stopped from day one I stepped in. All the way to my baptism.  Never liked me. Still couldn't look at me as a sister with a renewed sense of goodness. And now I kind of have proved them right.

Typical.

What though will happen when I gain favor from Jehovah again. What will they do? Still see hatred for me? Things that go unchanged in their hearts?

I know not. But I look forward to that day, when I am ready to come back to Jehovah.  No looking at the bad but the positive points in life.

Still that is a long way off. Slowly everyone keeps telling me to search for me and leave all else alone.

Right now I can't see how that is possible. If I just let go only Satan wins. To me that is like letting my exhusband, my sister and my dad win in all parts of my life. I don't want that.

So I must hope. I know my praters aren't heard now. So I must just keep searching.

Until I find who Jehovah is once more. Yet not today.

I am only holding on today for a shred of volume from Jehovah. If I don't see it and he doesn't grab me, I am sure I will fail. Falling way off.

Living life to the best that my family want me to. All without Jehovah.

And at this moment it seems good. So tempting. I will have to wait.

See if Jehovah really does love me.