Silence and solitude
I sit in a world of silence. I take my hearing aid out and just focus on the paintings in front of me. Never really noticing anything but the random streak of acrylics on limbs.
It happens a lot when I paint. I never really notice any particular spot until I clean up. It's funny how the silence and focusing fades out everything else. Even music and a movie are erased from view. Just the bold primary and secondary colors shout out at me.
The paintings never really make any sense until I am completely finished with them. In fact I have 2 in which I don't like their end results so it means they really are not finished. Or at least to me they are not done.
All I can say is that I am grateful for being able to paint. Abstract primarily but soon something realistic will be shown. Not just right now.
Silence is golden. At least that is what the movie theaters used to say. I still think it rules. Not quite sure just yet but knowing me I am finding comfort and growth, slowly in my solitude. Not lonely just alone.
This is how I learn about me. Where I belong in Jehovah's organization. Yet I can tell you at this moment I BELONG on the outside. I am okay with that. This way I learn the reasons of my choices and I learn the greatest significance of Jehovah's gift.
Yet to this very second I know the truth but it isn't sticking. I don't feel right. I am truly a hypocrite. And that I accept. Working on that to change.
Yet even as I sit here watching Emma and painting I still understand my need for silence. By all means the volume is on and the captions can be read but I know this movie by heart.
So I quietly paint the next tile. Full background of blue, aqua and white with hints of red. Makes me think of aqua fresh toothpaste. Alas I chuckle realizing that is the basis of inspiration. I laugh more but quietly.
Flowers are all that dance in my mind. Yet faces too. The want to draw realistically again aches inside of me. Perhaps another rekindling moment. I smile. Realizing the last time I drew a profile or frontal. Freshman year in high school. Everything became anime and abstract after that.
Then it faded.
Just as many parts of my life.
Now changes are occuring and life is jumping forward. Rapidly. All I hope for is in my solitude I learn about my place in everyday. Wherever I was supposed to be according to Jehovah's plans.
Still I do not push at myself because I know if I do I may never want to come back. Finding that there isn't any safe haven at all, that would be unruly.
Even now I taste a full mouth of putrid sourness when I think of the fact I won't come back. So somewhere in this crushed heart Jehovah will help me find my way back to his table.
One day. But today is about the solitude and softness of silence. Painting. Flowers. Books. Romantic movies. Laughter. And me.
It happens a lot when I paint. I never really notice any particular spot until I clean up. It's funny how the silence and focusing fades out everything else. Even music and a movie are erased from view. Just the bold primary and secondary colors shout out at me.
The paintings never really make any sense until I am completely finished with them. In fact I have 2 in which I don't like their end results so it means they really are not finished. Or at least to me they are not done.
All I can say is that I am grateful for being able to paint. Abstract primarily but soon something realistic will be shown. Not just right now.
Silence is golden. At least that is what the movie theaters used to say. I still think it rules. Not quite sure just yet but knowing me I am finding comfort and growth, slowly in my solitude. Not lonely just alone.
This is how I learn about me. Where I belong in Jehovah's organization. Yet I can tell you at this moment I BELONG on the outside. I am okay with that. This way I learn the reasons of my choices and I learn the greatest significance of Jehovah's gift.
Yet to this very second I know the truth but it isn't sticking. I don't feel right. I am truly a hypocrite. And that I accept. Working on that to change.
Yet even as I sit here watching Emma and painting I still understand my need for silence. By all means the volume is on and the captions can be read but I know this movie by heart.
So I quietly paint the next tile. Full background of blue, aqua and white with hints of red. Makes me think of aqua fresh toothpaste. Alas I chuckle realizing that is the basis of inspiration. I laugh more but quietly.
Flowers are all that dance in my mind. Yet faces too. The want to draw realistically again aches inside of me. Perhaps another rekindling moment. I smile. Realizing the last time I drew a profile or frontal. Freshman year in high school. Everything became anime and abstract after that.
Then it faded.
Just as many parts of my life.
Now changes are occuring and life is jumping forward. Rapidly. All I hope for is in my solitude I learn about my place in everyday. Wherever I was supposed to be according to Jehovah's plans.
Still I do not push at myself because I know if I do I may never want to come back. Finding that there isn't any safe haven at all, that would be unruly.
Even now I taste a full mouth of putrid sourness when I think of the fact I won't come back. So somewhere in this crushed heart Jehovah will help me find my way back to his table.
One day. But today is about the solitude and softness of silence. Painting. Flowers. Books. Romantic movies. Laughter. And me.
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