What do I have in common
It's kind of weird not going in yet but what would I say. Nothing. I had nothing but Jehovah in common with people inside the hall.
There was no other connection. And now that is even distant. Not because the world got to me. Oh no it was because I disconnected a while back. Then seeing how tricky everyone was.
Truly no one really forgave me from my first incident. Though I was forgiven by Jehovah. That is sad that a prior piece cab weigh that much over someone.
Then to gain services and all but not really fitting in anywhere. To me that has always been my issue. Never quite clicking with any one person.
So right now I just have to figure out if Jehovah still wants me. I have to search for him again. See if his words reach my heart at all.
Right now. No. Nothing hits completely. I hear the comments and words but nothing pinches me like it did before.
That is what I have to find again. It is a slow process.
Watching all these people go in and I feel nothing. Not as though I didn't love them just that the words being said are empty.
Just how it is right now.
I am not blind. I hear but it doesn't hit my heart hard like it should. I am not angry at Jehovah. Just some of his people. But then they aren't really his people anymore either.
Still we are all his children. Some just so severely distant that we can't begin to know how to look for strength anymore. That isy problem.
I don't know how to search. Kind of lost that ability. And I am really not healing like as I say I am. Just becoming more and more silent.
My family doesn't like how I am now but I have to relearn how to be this vibrant person I was before. I understand that it takes a couple of years to do so, and I will be patient with myself.
I kind of have to be to relearn skills I once had. Then to absorb what is being told to me.
Parts of me still hurt so bad. Yet I know I did part of the blame. I ache because only I was announced as the wicked one and not anyone else.
Which is cruel because it looked like I was the only one that had reason to break this union and I wasn't.
Yet this is why I can't see what Jehovah wants me to see, because he is trying to tell me to keep going but I just want to stop.
So no part of me studies anymore. No part of me really appreciates the goodness. I just sit there in the hall with people I used to know, only not doing anything but listening.
I suppose that is the first step to everything. Listening.
My family never really wanted me to go to these things - the hall. And really want me to stop altogether. Yet I can't.
Not ready to slice myself in half yet to help my family understand. I just absorb what I need to, to maintain my form of sanity.
No need for "therapy" that everyone keeps recommending to me. No point in telling a stranger things about me that they won't understand and then just give me a drug for.
Nope.
I just keep going where I need to go. Listening.
For now it's here. Soon it will be a new place. One day, if Jehovah still wants me, he will allow the words to reach my heart. I can only hope.
Until then I just sit where I am supposed to until they tell me to stop.
There was no other connection. And now that is even distant. Not because the world got to me. Oh no it was because I disconnected a while back. Then seeing how tricky everyone was.
Truly no one really forgave me from my first incident. Though I was forgiven by Jehovah. That is sad that a prior piece cab weigh that much over someone.
Then to gain services and all but not really fitting in anywhere. To me that has always been my issue. Never quite clicking with any one person.
So right now I just have to figure out if Jehovah still wants me. I have to search for him again. See if his words reach my heart at all.
Right now. No. Nothing hits completely. I hear the comments and words but nothing pinches me like it did before.
That is what I have to find again. It is a slow process.
Watching all these people go in and I feel nothing. Not as though I didn't love them just that the words being said are empty.
Just how it is right now.
I am not blind. I hear but it doesn't hit my heart hard like it should. I am not angry at Jehovah. Just some of his people. But then they aren't really his people anymore either.
Still we are all his children. Some just so severely distant that we can't begin to know how to look for strength anymore. That isy problem.
I don't know how to search. Kind of lost that ability. And I am really not healing like as I say I am. Just becoming more and more silent.
My family doesn't like how I am now but I have to relearn how to be this vibrant person I was before. I understand that it takes a couple of years to do so, and I will be patient with myself.
I kind of have to be to relearn skills I once had. Then to absorb what is being told to me.
Parts of me still hurt so bad. Yet I know I did part of the blame. I ache because only I was announced as the wicked one and not anyone else.
Which is cruel because it looked like I was the only one that had reason to break this union and I wasn't.
Yet this is why I can't see what Jehovah wants me to see, because he is trying to tell me to keep going but I just want to stop.
So no part of me studies anymore. No part of me really appreciates the goodness. I just sit there in the hall with people I used to know, only not doing anything but listening.
I suppose that is the first step to everything. Listening.
My family never really wanted me to go to these things - the hall. And really want me to stop altogether. Yet I can't.
Not ready to slice myself in half yet to help my family understand. I just absorb what I need to, to maintain my form of sanity.
No need for "therapy" that everyone keeps recommending to me. No point in telling a stranger things about me that they won't understand and then just give me a drug for.
Nope.
I just keep going where I need to go. Listening.
For now it's here. Soon it will be a new place. One day, if Jehovah still wants me, he will allow the words to reach my heart. I can only hope.
Until then I just sit where I am supposed to until they tell me to stop.
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