Breaking

Another scare with grandmother. I can't afford to call off today. I will just have to wait in lingo over the situation. So much of her is there but so much is gone. I have to realize at 99 you have seen some things in life and don't have to be coherent all the time.

Still the rough road of whether you hang on or fall asleep neatly, is wearing me down a little.

This weekend has been on  a roll. First bad. Then good. Then bad. Then a whole day of good. Then bad again. Yet today I cannot call off. There is no allowances on a holiday. I will just have to work and pretend my mom, my family doesn't need me.

Its so hard to be the pillar some days. And not have a real way to express the frustration of dealing with all the pressure. Probably why I am on this trippy experience this morning.

Slowly I suck it up and carry forward. Getting ready for work. Pretending all things are okay but I know they aren't. I just keep my head up.

Feeling down a little but its going to be okay. I have a good support system that can push me in the right direction.

Every step is good.

For now. Until I break down.

Please don't let me do that at work.

Please.

Then my mind says shh. and I move forward. Carrying my weights but in stride as I exhale. Examining myself and moving headstrong, forward.

I must.
I must.
I must.

Don't let me break. Please.