Dreaming
My dreams were so off last night. Well certainly in a good way. Kept dreaming in circles this still interesting day unraveling. So blissful that I need to tell myself to get moving.
Yet the body is slow. No pain just stiff. So it is wonder how wonderful the prayers can be answered. Yet here I thought once out from under the wind of the organization, my words would be invisible. But they aren't.
And now. I have to learn to fly. More like soar.
Every day I am gaining my self respect back. Erasing years and decades of self destruction. It is going to take time. But no amount of people will tell me to seek out another person to express my words only to be given a pill. No.
Nature serves as my cure. The easing of my painful memories. The rising of the feisty one. It is all I can hope for. I am good with that. Then finding my peace. Oh just the settling of how I can be myself once more.
Sure I was devastated when the first turn was there. I was so scared of losing some I had gotten close to but then I have realized I was the one who initiated ever single one of those acquaintances. Realizing I am always projecting myself, placing myself out there.
Then step outside of their designs for me. I felt better. Like a real, natural person. The best thing that could ever happen was that disfellowshipping. I was able to find out who I wanted to be. And I am still on recovery.
Every day I walk forward, not looking back into the boxes. Save one.
An old friendship that I lost. But every day I tell myself I never lost it I just hid it so it could stay protected. Even within myself. Because I was so damaged, so destroyed, so broken. I knew I would cry shame for burning everything.
Yet now, I don't even know if the friendship can be released, found once more. I am always maintaining positiveness. Yet there are days I don't know. Not ever sure if I lost it all.
Then the parts of me say stand up. Be proud. Look, search for your light because when you find it your friendship will soar. Seems childish but that is how I have to look forward to the moments.
So my dreams include these conversations. And more. I won't speak of them. For I don't want to lose hope. I don't want the chance to drop the possibilities that were shown. So I just let time play out.
Now is the shove of myself off this bed and into the shower. No coffee in the house demands for the adventure out. All good things come of remaining strong and positive, free and in love with nature. For I laugh all the time. A blessing for sure.
Good morning friend.
Yet the body is slow. No pain just stiff. So it is wonder how wonderful the prayers can be answered. Yet here I thought once out from under the wind of the organization, my words would be invisible. But they aren't.
And now. I have to learn to fly. More like soar.
Every day I am gaining my self respect back. Erasing years and decades of self destruction. It is going to take time. But no amount of people will tell me to seek out another person to express my words only to be given a pill. No.
Nature serves as my cure. The easing of my painful memories. The rising of the feisty one. It is all I can hope for. I am good with that. Then finding my peace. Oh just the settling of how I can be myself once more.
Sure I was devastated when the first turn was there. I was so scared of losing some I had gotten close to but then I have realized I was the one who initiated ever single one of those acquaintances. Realizing I am always projecting myself, placing myself out there.
Then step outside of their designs for me. I felt better. Like a real, natural person. The best thing that could ever happen was that disfellowshipping. I was able to find out who I wanted to be. And I am still on recovery.
Every day I walk forward, not looking back into the boxes. Save one.
An old friendship that I lost. But every day I tell myself I never lost it I just hid it so it could stay protected. Even within myself. Because I was so damaged, so destroyed, so broken. I knew I would cry shame for burning everything.
Yet now, I don't even know if the friendship can be released, found once more. I am always maintaining positiveness. Yet there are days I don't know. Not ever sure if I lost it all.
Then the parts of me say stand up. Be proud. Look, search for your light because when you find it your friendship will soar. Seems childish but that is how I have to look forward to the moments.
So my dreams include these conversations. And more. I won't speak of them. For I don't want to lose hope. I don't want the chance to drop the possibilities that were shown. So I just let time play out.
Now is the shove of myself off this bed and into the shower. No coffee in the house demands for the adventure out. All good things come of remaining strong and positive, free and in love with nature. For I laugh all the time. A blessing for sure.
Good morning friend.
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