Plea

Over these last few days I have been completely frustrated with unanswered questions only to realize I shouldn't want to know because I have forgiven to a certain point. Accepting that the pieces of me are healing. Once I am completely healed I won't need to ask the questions. I won't even want to know.

I will just be happy that I was a friend to someone. And carry on.

To ask or even to face, right now would be damaging in a way. I think I am still troubled by if there was belief of people. I lost track with understanding so many things. And I just walked away. I couldn't take it anymore.

Sure right now is peaceful for me. Waking up, doing small errands and working these things all help heal these parts of me. Its only been a few months and been only a month since confirmation of my plea. So I am just going through the motions.

Soon enough all the bites that are itching will heal. I may have a small scar because I scratched at it but needless to say I will have a reminder that I did heal.

I have to realize that all things considered, just how much I knew you. I know gossip and nastiness wasn't part of who you were. In fact you wanted to run from it. But I can't help think of the ripple collection of women who have approached me.

I still tire of the reminders of nastiness from them. Them staking there claim on you. I don't care if they were yours. I only wanted friendship in the outcome. Even if it was distant. I have gotten things distorted but I know now.

Just being able to say yeah we are friends. Just friends. That is kind of my only wish.

I am slowly building the tapestry back up after its been torn nearly to the top because I can't stop being your friend. I am sorry if that isn't what you want to hear.

Just to say this to you, friend, my end of the bridge is slowly being build. I just had to burn it. It didn't fall. That is the hand of God. I can't just tell him no. So I am listening. Replacing planks of thicker wood. But time.

Sure tears are here. Time is healing me. Sure I will be angry but know this. I am not angry with you. Just all those wagging tongues of people. I tired of the assaults. I know its just them striking claims or trying to slay me.

But I have support from those I work with. They have helped me a great deal and have noticed the significant changes in  me. All this past mess and the rages of good and bad. Work has noticed me happy.

So grateful to be free. And I am your friend. And it is okay to be seen in places together. Speaking not so sure about. I would hate to throw up on you because I am nervous. But if words happen they happen. And one day I will reach for a real hug.

Because I cannot stop thinking that I will always be your friend. Not ex friend.

So listen to me carefully. If you think I am angry at you. No I talk to get my frustrations out. Because when these people show up at my work I begin to believe they are attacking me because of you. Only to realize its there sorry attempts to be catty.

I have to take time to realize that you aren't that petty. Too intelligent for drama.

So bear with me just a little longer. Please.