Some people lack

The fee that never comes back from all the hard work you do. The achievements that you hope to be able to benefit from becomes less than adequate. So what does the part of your divided mind completely say in return?

Oh how you want so badly for some kind of recognition for the hard work and yet the spirit inside of you is just grateful that you finished your goals. Onward to the next set. Further and further down the line.

Yet nothing seems ever good enough for anyone. As though all that you strived to help and complete they could care less if you lived or died. Is that really the loving way of people today? Is that the hope of wiping away those sins? When we come back and have been forgiven by Jehovah, where will you stand?

Open arms? Or just pushing away with a grateful smile?

Seriously though. The thought entertains the minds of those who are out here in the world. Yes we were disfellowshipped but the reason we were is because of admitting our guilt and taking the discipline. So many people forget that. This is the way to keep a congregation clean, yes but what happens when we get reinstated?

Will there be love? Oh no. I have seen the shoved off faces of people who say they forgive but are hypocrites in their allowances. Jehovah forgave. But they can't let it go. They have to let the dirty deeds of our past keep rolling around.

Only to rehash it over and over. Sadly that is just how imperfect we are. Yet the judging isn't from a man. So why think you are God? If Jehovah forgives that means you must too.

And still so many people stand against that commandment.

It hurts me now. Even more so then it did when I was on the other side, the forgiving side. I still saw how people were nasty to those who were reinstated. How can you say you are loving when you are playing God.

Last time I looked you are far from what is Godlike if you pretend to forgive after a reinstatement. Even worse is that you kept giving these people the way off look and not even addressing them as real people in the family.

Can I blame them for wanting to stay away, no.

Now me looking on the outside, from my standpoint as a disfellowshipped person I am not sure that I ever want to "come back" if that is what "loving me" is after I get reinstated. This "love" that is projected inside here is lost. It is hidden and with malice.

It saddened me before and it saddens me now.

I only know that when I get reinstated, I won't be at this hall. This will not ever be my home hall again.  And I am okay with that. I never really fit in even being a single sister. It was hard because I had absolutely no friends AND no family in the truth. To top it all off not many stepped up to "adopt" or mentor me so I could carry forward.

To me that is the saddest part of life.

So keep on pretending to love when reality some of you have no clue what it is. This adaptation of understanding the what is expected and yet still failing to comply doesn't just come from those who are disfellowshipped, it comes from those within the hall.

These are hard times, yet will get even more worse. And still so many of you fail to recognize the one thing Jehovah does. He loves without rehashing. Ever think that is why so many don't come back? Its not personality differences. Its the LACK of love shown. Its the holding the past over our heads. That is why we don't come back.

Perhaps people fail to see that we struggled way before we begged for our discipline. Even then it was overlooked. Knowing his flock, wow. Respect is also earned not just given. So many have to REACH out and so few do until the bridge inside our spirits are torn down and are burning blazes. Even harming others.

Yet if you had listened to us in the beginning you would have seen. If you had been paying attention to Jehovah's flock within the congregation, you would have known. This wasn't just chance or weaknesses on our parts. No we broke open, freed ourselves.

Yet love, compassion was not there.

And if you ever wonder why I write this, well if any of you had known me you would have INSTANTLY understood.

Yet the lack of love exists. The lack of concern. The lack of paying attention to the flock.

Had you seen, you would have known all the attempts I made to ask, to beg for help. Yet I got pushed away. Aside.

Keeping hanging there. Just wait. Keep pushing through. Yet all the while I was already disengaging. No one listened to my cries. No one paid attention.

SO I BEGGED for disfellowshipping. In all honesty I was so far gone from love and from the congregation by the time I was announced that the words people kept telling me were just words. Nothing to listen too but through one ear to the other.

And now everyone is concerned if I will come back. Well that is between Jehovah and I. He knows my heart. And no one else does. No one else listens.

SO next time you decide to judge AFTER Jehovah has forgiven, remember we all are imperfect and we all lack something. We all need the love and support from the first day we become reinstated to the first time we are baptized - no matter our age and if we have family in the truth. Every step of the way.

So if you ever see me in a congregation somewhere in the middle of nowhere remember love is what found me again. And it wasn't here.