No spring chicken

Sometimes the most difficult thing to do is to listen to your body. Especially when you know in your mind that you are shutting down but you try to squeeze out the last bit of juice.

Just the need to push to see how far you can go before it's all over. Yet somewhere in the night the constant battle with my nausea I had to stop pushing, stop reasoning. That moment of hushed realization you are not a spring chicken anymore, kicks in. The reality that you did your duty in your youth of three or four jobs to help the family grow. 

This is a cold hard fact. 

When this finally settles inside, the heart almost dies and tears fall. Truly parts of me just scream. Was it worth it? Absolutely.  I supported my family when no one else would. That is strength and courage. The hard work instilled in my mind.

Keep pushing until there is no more. Just the accepting that no more is there sooner than I want it to be. Then a long period of resting.

Ever been tired of just resting?? So much of me commands the exiting of space and yet my limbs make this jelly motion. I fall. Cry and then laugh. 

So stubborn. You can blame my upbringing.  We had strength. But today I am just physically exhausted. No gumption to eat but I do. Lots of water,  hot tea and coffee. Trying my best to maintain some health.

So sure I sound like I gripe about my health. No its more like I am trying to understand something I just will never understand. So I cry in frustration and questions of why me.

Then I lay down for a while. Hope. Pray.  Then seek the peace while all is healing in its own way.

Actually having to just let time heal me. Rest heal me.

If you can't love me in my stubborn angry moments you don't deserve to be a part of my joyful happy healed moments. 

Just how it has to be.