Seated
Today I sat here contemplating life's little quests only to realize my mind is so far surpassing that.
Say here weighing out all the benefits of where I am going in life and the ideas that a great and small, according to my goals list. Noticing that the small details have been moved forward. Expanding into the greater parts.
Only to realize I still have much to achieve before the completion. So much more of me is excellerated by sheer need.
Surprisingly it took me to how I used to believe I needed someone. I am sure by now I am not even a glimpse on the mind. However to say that person still remains in my head.
Never in a negative way. Always the lessons I don't want to fall back on. Those pieces of life that say to me to just forego the ideas.
Ah and the theory I once was a significance to them, I still laugh in dripping sarcasm. Really forming this high regard never to walk back into their lives for any reason.
And then the mind settles down to the points of attaining the applications for such goals. Small steps I maintain to reaching out. Not in the necessity to interfere in lives but to observe the ways so I don't turn back. Dying into an old habit that kills all parts of me.
Sure I have my moments where I just want words screamed at me. Then other days I just pray for silence. I even have days where a hug is rating high on the list only to realize the best hug I can give is to myself.
And now, I am still seated but reading scriptures to help boost me away from clinging old thoughts. Slight distances I go to not be seen. Those parts of me that I hold at high regard. Only because Jehovah does. That is the part I have to cling too.
Sadly when I think of those in the past I get angry. The want to just say how much it angered me. How much I dared myself to be different. Yet I remain silent.
So these last few days I have put my energy, what I had left, into my art. Dissecting the hurt and placing it inside the beauty of paints.
As for old friends. Well that won't happen. For I would be interfering and destroying. Not apologetic for the reality. Not going to be lingering.
Just saying I wanted it to end differently. Yet it was for the best. I know that.
Still it doesn't stop hurting to recall but I no longer feel anger nor betrayed. I know you lived life the way you saw best. Always will.
And that I know I gain my happiness deeper because I am not relying on you.
I still trust. Yet what can you trust of a stranger?
Say here weighing out all the benefits of where I am going in life and the ideas that a great and small, according to my goals list. Noticing that the small details have been moved forward. Expanding into the greater parts.
Only to realize I still have much to achieve before the completion. So much more of me is excellerated by sheer need.
Surprisingly it took me to how I used to believe I needed someone. I am sure by now I am not even a glimpse on the mind. However to say that person still remains in my head.
Never in a negative way. Always the lessons I don't want to fall back on. Those pieces of life that say to me to just forego the ideas.
Ah and the theory I once was a significance to them, I still laugh in dripping sarcasm. Really forming this high regard never to walk back into their lives for any reason.
And then the mind settles down to the points of attaining the applications for such goals. Small steps I maintain to reaching out. Not in the necessity to interfere in lives but to observe the ways so I don't turn back. Dying into an old habit that kills all parts of me.
Sure I have my moments where I just want words screamed at me. Then other days I just pray for silence. I even have days where a hug is rating high on the list only to realize the best hug I can give is to myself.
And now, I am still seated but reading scriptures to help boost me away from clinging old thoughts. Slight distances I go to not be seen. Those parts of me that I hold at high regard. Only because Jehovah does. That is the part I have to cling too.
Sadly when I think of those in the past I get angry. The want to just say how much it angered me. How much I dared myself to be different. Yet I remain silent.
So these last few days I have put my energy, what I had left, into my art. Dissecting the hurt and placing it inside the beauty of paints.
As for old friends. Well that won't happen. For I would be interfering and destroying. Not apologetic for the reality. Not going to be lingering.
Just saying I wanted it to end differently. Yet it was for the best. I know that.
Still it doesn't stop hurting to recall but I no longer feel anger nor betrayed. I know you lived life the way you saw best. Always will.
And that I know I gain my happiness deeper because I am not relying on you.
I still trust. Yet what can you trust of a stranger?
Comments
Post a Comment