On the mind today
My mind races over things that seem unimportant or even that of what may be considered over thinking. Yet it is all important to me. The scenarios of what could be I rationalize every step and have come across as paranoid but I am far from that.
So many people tell me to just be real. Just stop imagining. If only the reality of the concern was heavy. Yet it is not. My mind just has to think. Majority the first 3 or 4 hours of the day I am sorting and storing away my thoughts. It's not that I am oblivious to the world outside. It is more the factor of staying in theory of what to be prepared for.
All in all I am probably over prepared and severely under materialistically prepared. I can be spontaneous on some accounts but in truth that doesn't appeal to me. I am a type of girl who plans. And when promises are made I hold you to them, even if not friends anymore.
To me it is something of great importance.
I never really understood why people made promises if they were prone to forget or not follow through. Yes part of my trust issue falls on this. I hold hope in a promise. I hold trust that words spoken will ring true. Yet not too much ever gets truth. More often than not, the hope fails and the promise given remains inside a locked door.
So many pieces of me. So many moments. Sure getting teary eyed because I have been broken several times for believing in people who say they make good on promises only to turn out to be laughing when I ask them about that promise. So can you blame me for losing that trust, that hope of a reality?
And still the open mind I have realizes that perhaps with all that we fall short on, why it has to be something we promised knowing we couldn't commit? It just breaks me as I forgive. Not wanting people like that to walk back into my life. As much as I cry for the loss it still isn't going to be that they will ever be a part of my life.
Good example my father. Another one was my friend. I forgave numerous times but I can't let someone like them back into my life. It hurts but what hurts more is that they can never fulfill their promises. That I have accepted all because they are gone from my life.
And today, with all that has pressured me I am grateful I don't have to rely on them. For I am grateful not to be broken by their words and actions.
This is my thoughts. Even when I am low and desperate, thinking nothing is worth these low moments. I come to realize I rely on only one person. That is good enough. I don't need to believe in man keeping his promises because they can't be kept. They don't know how to keep them. It is just the reality of life.
For me that is how my thinking ends. That is how the day goes. My mind only finds comfort in the smallest of rewards. Like that of my mother talking endlessly over her fall.
Those are the grandest yet tiniest moments for me. Surprisingly I am okay with being in this spot. For at least I know I am doing better than yesterday or a few months back.
And right now, as much as I have cried I am still doing better without that one person in my life. Because now I know the promises are not possible anymore. I just hope the next person given in their light is allowed to gain the truth in the promises.
A hope I give for all. Be forgiving and don't drop what you hope for to appease another. That is my hope and prayer for everyone.
So many people tell me to just be real. Just stop imagining. If only the reality of the concern was heavy. Yet it is not. My mind just has to think. Majority the first 3 or 4 hours of the day I am sorting and storing away my thoughts. It's not that I am oblivious to the world outside. It is more the factor of staying in theory of what to be prepared for.
All in all I am probably over prepared and severely under materialistically prepared. I can be spontaneous on some accounts but in truth that doesn't appeal to me. I am a type of girl who plans. And when promises are made I hold you to them, even if not friends anymore.
To me it is something of great importance.
I never really understood why people made promises if they were prone to forget or not follow through. Yes part of my trust issue falls on this. I hold hope in a promise. I hold trust that words spoken will ring true. Yet not too much ever gets truth. More often than not, the hope fails and the promise given remains inside a locked door.
So many pieces of me. So many moments. Sure getting teary eyed because I have been broken several times for believing in people who say they make good on promises only to turn out to be laughing when I ask them about that promise. So can you blame me for losing that trust, that hope of a reality?
And still the open mind I have realizes that perhaps with all that we fall short on, why it has to be something we promised knowing we couldn't commit? It just breaks me as I forgive. Not wanting people like that to walk back into my life. As much as I cry for the loss it still isn't going to be that they will ever be a part of my life.
Good example my father. Another one was my friend. I forgave numerous times but I can't let someone like them back into my life. It hurts but what hurts more is that they can never fulfill their promises. That I have accepted all because they are gone from my life.
And today, with all that has pressured me I am grateful I don't have to rely on them. For I am grateful not to be broken by their words and actions.
This is my thoughts. Even when I am low and desperate, thinking nothing is worth these low moments. I come to realize I rely on only one person. That is good enough. I don't need to believe in man keeping his promises because they can't be kept. They don't know how to keep them. It is just the reality of life.
For me that is how my thinking ends. That is how the day goes. My mind only finds comfort in the smallest of rewards. Like that of my mother talking endlessly over her fall.
Those are the grandest yet tiniest moments for me. Surprisingly I am okay with being in this spot. For at least I know I am doing better than yesterday or a few months back.
And right now, as much as I have cried I am still doing better without that one person in my life. Because now I know the promises are not possible anymore. I just hope the next person given in their light is allowed to gain the truth in the promises.
A hope I give for all. Be forgiving and don't drop what you hope for to appease another. That is my hope and prayer for everyone.
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