Push the grit

I sit here trying to push myself knowing I only have just a little over two hours left. Yet I can't even begin to stand without my knees buckling.

I appear fine on the outside. I bring many smiles but eyes speak volumes I never say.

A slow shut down while I am trying to be uplifting to others.  I don't want people to watch me collapse. I stand tall with my weakness and I strive for the light at the end of the work day.

My mind says I can make it but my muscles, bones and immune system screams no. Yet I push. I make the grit within my system struggle for the lasting bursts of energy. Yet I want to cry.

I can not here.

So I sit. Waiting for the rebuild of energy that I can put into motion. Am I scared I will fail?  No. I am more afraid of not being able to walk for a few days than anything.

Yet I understand the ways of my shut down.  Not an emotional ride but a strengthening realization that there are just days I can't be superwoman.

With that I laugh as the noise and vibrancy of people entertaining my spirit. Another moment longer and I can finally get back moving. My legs will hold me.

I make it, as I am supposed to only to get in my car and cry. But that is how I am.

And yet I still am unable to stand. Collapsing before coworkers. Not my finest. Yet it proves to them that I really am weaker than I seem. Not this strong person. Not this stuck up person.  Just a human. Imperfect as the next. And in my days I am strong as well as weak. Can be both at the same time too.

Real. Flesh. Spirit. Human.
Just me.

Now I just hope for more power that isn't mine to make the two hours run quickly. I can only hope.